So I'm sitting in my room like I have since tea, at my laptop on my unmade bed, which I should have made hours ago so I could actually sleep in it, but obviously sitting here watching a laptop screen was more interesting for me? not that I see how it could possibley be more interesting.

Why am I such a depressive person, why can't I smile when my friends and family tell me to, why do I lie to my mum and tell her that i'm fine, I suppose it's because what else am I meant to say, my friends 'know' .. well kind of, I don't think I have it in me to tell them it all. What would be the point, nothings changed. And i'm not alone, so someone as weak as me or weaker is not going to be able to help me, it feels hopeless now a days. I sit and watch days pass by, put on this face to go to school, but it still breaks, I still let the pathetic people get to me with there.. "fat ass" or "sweaty hore" or just personal things. but honestly if someone jokes about your friend committing suicide because of you, your not just going to laugh it off, like some cold hearted bitch, are you?

I'm a jealous, heart broken girl, who needs to learn to get back up on her own two feet and not to care what people think of her. But there's so much pressure and well my self esteem is like zero. I can't even pee in someones house, because I think someone will hear or think i'm having a shit and laugh at me, so I let it ruin my night. wtf is wrong with me. I can't go out, without comparing myself to the first person I see. I can't help but look in the mirror and think why do I have to look like this. Why can't I be one those people who don't care.. why am I letting it run my life. Why do I seek this attention, I just feel invisible to everyone else, unimportant, unhelpful and a pointless life. I don't do any good, I don't make anyone smile - not properly. Even my best friends just say i'm moody, I don't want to be.. I don't want to be this selfish human being. But where do I go from here..

But all these days, they feel like they’re the same, Just different faces, different names.