So it's time for a long blog. But why do I share my feelings with a website? Why don't I actually talk to someone, something with feelings and a mind, something which can understand me, help me, guide me. A person. I suppose no one is ever enough and you just don't want to dump your entire mind on someone else, because that's what it is. It's the thoughts going around your head, your problems, worries, fears, hopes and dreams. They either give you the ohh ok:/ or the don't worry it'll be ok, i'm here or the think about the people who are worse off and don't get me wrong they are some of the ways I react to people. It is hard when people are upset, but I like listening, I like helping, it just hurts when you know your not helping, you know there not feeling any better and that you haven't made a difference. Sometimes it is hard to reply to some one though when they've told you exams are getting to them or someones just died or there boyfriends acting a prick.. we're all human at the end of the day, we don't expect each other to have the perfect answers, we just expect people to be there, for a hug, for a laugh, to help us look on the positive side of things.

For example yesterday I spent the day in 'revising' as my mum and dad went to the Devon County Show, but all I did was read three chapters and did a bit of revision for my science. But to cheer me up I went cinema with two of my best friends! Which honestly made me so happy, I don't really know why, but it was nice. And that's the days I like, I don't like the serious 'chats' I like it when people make me laugh when they notice i'm down, not keep "saying whats the matter, you ok? why are you so moody today? surely can't be that bad" It's just so much easier if they just ignore those questions and just go to the straight HUG or make a joke, because then you don't have to lie. Don't have to pretend that you are perfectly fine and that your smile isn't about to break, or you can't even manage to smile. So you just keep your head down, so no one bothers you.

So what to write about. What's on my mind.. well here's a list.
Exams, revision, leaving school, friends, me, family, money, expectations, boys, love, college.

So i've started my exams, i've done three out of nine, confidence level 2/10 .. I know that's what everyone says, but normally when I have 'feelings' about something and they're negative they tend to be right every time. It's just frustrating because you can revise and revise, but if it doesn't come up in the test you are screwed. And that feeling literally sucks. And then the revision runs you down, so you want to relax but you feel like you can't because you need to revise! you need to meet these expectations! The one's your school set, the ones you set, the ones your parents and the college set. And it feels like you're trying but not succeeding. And then you think wow, I just want these exams over.. but that means leaving school. shit. :| i'm not ready. But how much you feel like you are not ready you have to be, because in reality there's no other option, there's no stopping time. It's just go.. go.. go. Then what's next college. Then that's when you really start to say .. shit, because that means leaving friends- even losing some, making new ones, a new place, having to settle in all over again and you don't even know if you'll like the stuff you've chosen. But that's not the only thing your mind.. school plays a big part and seems to link with everything but that isn't just it. There's family and friends and relationships and memories and mistakes and the future. A bit of a blunt end, but damn i'm tired and to lazy to write anymore.