I need motivation.

I'm sitting here and I've finally realised I'm lacking complete motivation. I've always found it hard to motivate myself and normally find myself trying to escape or hide away from decisions and jobs that need to be done. But I'm fed up. Life right now just seems so confusing. Everything seems like one big rushed decision. In the past few months I had to decide whether I was going to University this year and if I did where I wanted to go and what I wanted to study. I left it so late to decide. My whole life i've wanted to be successful, all I've ever wanted is to grow up and earn my way through life with a happy family. When you're younger you have these ideas of what would be your'dream job!' Here are just some of mine; I wanted to be a teacher, an actress, an illustrator, an author, a food taster (I liked food okay... don't judge) I thought I could be in the olympics and become a famous sprinter! I really liked that idea. I imaged myself being Kelly Holmes, who isn't even a sprinter! What an idiot. Even a famous netball player. Then I reached the age of 13 and I then came to like the idea of being a counsellor or psychologist. I wanted to help people. I wanted to help children and adolescents. This seemed like a great idea, I could earn good money and help people. The two things that I wanted most. But now i'm 17 and at the end of the year I possibly could be starting this journey. So why am I not motivated? Why am I not pushing myself? I thought this would be fun, exciting. But I'm not smiling. Is it that I'm just scared of moving away, is it because I've made a wrong decision or have I just got nerves. Each day just seems to pass so fast, all I want is time to think but I can't. I just constantly feel confused. Nothing ever seems like the 'right' decision. I need motivation. I need guidance. I need to do what makes me happy, what's right for me. And I need to decide now. All I can say is fuck of decisions, fuck off life.

Just a view

Well I haven't written a blog in a while and in the last few days I've really wanted to, so now is a perfect time. I'm not sure what I really want to write about, so we'll just see where it goes. Right now, I'm not sure how I feel. Not happy, not sad, not angry, not scared... maybe a little lost and a bit confused. But I am uncertain why. I suppose you could say I'm quite excited as tomorrow I'm seeing Plan B with my best-friends Tessa & Chloe & half term is only a few days away. Which I can't fucking wait for babbbby. My plan is work my ass off this week, then do NOTHING until I go back to college. Sounds amazing to me, but we'll see! So I suppose you may wonder why i'm feeling lost and confused? Or maybe you don't actually care. If so BYE. Otherwise keep reading and you'll find out. Well I suppose you could say it's because I'm not sure where i'm going with my life. I feel that the end goal is somewhat unachievable. How could I ever achieve what I've set my heart on. Years ago this year felt so far away, sometimes I didn't even think I'd make it this far. Going to College felt a distance, let alone finishing College and moving away to University. I can't imagine being without my Mum, my Dad, my sisters, my brother-in-laws, my niece and my best friends and even my pets. I can't imagine a Monday night without playing netball with the girls, driving home chatting to my parents having my hot chocolate and cuddling up with my cat. I can't imagine a week, where I wouldn't see my best-friend. Let alone months. I can't imagine a day without all these people who are just so constant in my life. I want to be successful and I want to have my own experiences, I want to travel and I'd LOVE to visit a third world country and actually give something back for a change, whether it's just interacting with them or teaching them to write. My dream would be to teach them the sport that I love. I would also love to have my own family or even just a strong relationship to share these dreams and goals with. Someone to motivate me and someone who I could motivate too. Someone who could be a part of my family! But the best things come to the people that wait, right?;D Two years later, shit all has came apart from head fuck after head fuck so whoever came up with that silly 'motive' to be patient when it comes to relationships can fuck off. :D Aw I'm friendly really, honest. I like to think I will be successful and shit will go my way. But without trying i'll never know. So this year will mean stepping out of my comfort zone. Putting myself out there and just seeing what I can actually do when I put my heart to it.

Your problem is how you are going to spend this one odd and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over people and circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.