The Countdown

76 days and 6 hours until I go to University. 7 days and 22 hours until my holiday. A holiday without my parents, just with three of my closest friends. I'm so excited, however it doesn't feel real yet. None of this actually feels real. Even the idea that i've finished college doesn't feel real. I don't know where the last two years of my life have even gone! I'm 18, an adult. It just feels surreal. I don't know if I like it not. I don't think my mum and dad's expectations of me have really grown, but my expectations for myself have. I just expect myself to not be scared of anything, to not fear moving away, to go out all the time like everyone else. I want my holiday to come soo badly, but I know once that comes then that means I won't see my boyfriend for another 4 weeks as by the time i'm home he would have left to go away himself. So it's hard to be excited. I'm just trying to tell myself that four weeks is nothing. However I rarely listen to myself, well the optimistic side of myself. I'm half optimist, half pessimist. Normally the negative side wins. Although not always. Recently it has been vice versa and i've seen the good in most things. However you get days like today which seeing the good in things is difficult. But i'm writing this in a way to stop myself dwelling on negative things. The other day I felt I did something brave. To some people it's nothing but to me it's a step in the right direction. Some people know that I suffer from Paruresis, a phobia related to urinating in public toilets or even in the presence of others. You may laugh or maybe you don't really understand how this phobia exists but believe me it does, and it's horrible. It genuinely affects my every day life and stops me from doing various things, while everyones out getting drunk, i'm sat at home in bed. Most people can relax with their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends and not have to worry how much they drink because they might need a wee and if they can't go they'll be in pain. So then you get dehydrated, you get headaches, you genuinely just feel shit and what? All just because you have an irrational fear. 7% of the population may be paruretic. Then when people ask you what's the matter, you feel so embarrassed, then you explain and they tell you, you're being silly and that you should just 'learn to deal with it' or 'try harder', but don't these people think if it was that easy i'd be fine by now? The first time I realised something was wrong was in Majorca 2006, where I felt the most horrible stabbing pains in the bottom of my stomach. It hurt so much. Now university's around the corner I just want to get it sorted. I went to my doctors a year or two ago and he told me he'd never heard of it. So what do you think I did? I just tried to ignore it, I felt like a freak. I'd just try to make sure I wasn't in situations where it would occur. Therefore I'd drink less and not go out. I even tried almost teaching myself to get better. But that failed, some days i'd genuinely think i'm okay and actually getting better then the next day i'd be back to square one. So recently I visited the doctors again. I now have to book an appointment with Devon's depression and anxiety clinic for them to assess me I guess. The next step is actually picking up my phone and making the appointment. But i'm scared and i'm nervous, all I can think is what if it doesn't work? what if there is no solution? what if people just think i'm being stupid? But I can't think like this. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, all that matters is what I think and feel. So if you got this far thank you for reading.