Time To Make A Change.

Happy new year. As we're coming to the middle of January, it's slowly setting in, this is the year, the year I graduate and the next chapter of my life begins. I've been plodding along as you do, in my perfect little bubble, taking day by day, but now it's time to actually think about my future. I've always thought I knew where I was going and what I wanted but as it's coming closer, I'm getting more anxious and more unsure of where I'm going..

So I have an idea of where I want to be. But right now I'm trying to figure out how I get there. And that's the difficult part. I feel like I'm slowly becoming lost. So I've done something about it, I've emailed my university careers advisor and I'm going to book a meeting about my future.

All I've ever known is I want to help people. I've always wanted to take pain away from others. Support people, make someone feel valued and important. Drive away any pain. I want to support mental health charity's. I want to crush the stigma of mental health. I want to assure people they're not alone. I want to help society to understand what mental health is and why they shouldn't laugh or joke. I want to convince people that mental health should be taken seriously. And that we should be concerned about the increase of depression and suicide. I just want to make a difference.

However I've realised to make that difference, I need to put myself out there. I need to push myself and reach for every opportunity. These dreams are ambitious but I'd like to think achievable. I'm determined and determination is key. So as of tomorrow I'm going to start making this dream a reality. I've realised that sometimes for a person to grow, they must feel fear. You have to push yourself until your limits. It's okay to say you want to do something, but it's another thing actually doing it. And I want to do it.

So here's to 2016. To following my dreams of making a change.

Much love,

Shannon

The small things

It sounds cliche but it's true when people say that people always take the small things for granted. Moving away from home is really going to make me realise what I do take for granted. It's the hot water bottles my mum makes when i'm feeling unwell, it's the convenience of my best-friend living 5 minutes away, it's the little walks with my boy after work or waking up to my niece on a Thursday & Friday. It's her giggles and the words she comes out with. It's the random days where me & my sisters just click. Or the family banter on a Sunday. It's the cuddles with my cat every evening. It' the comfort of having a job and being able to afford things or the comfort of coming home to a cooked meal, although many times I don't eat it all or even touch it at all, it's always there. It's the short bus journey it takes for Khaled to get to mine. It's the small things. Soon I will really realise how much I'll miss these little things. Although I shouldn't be sad, i'm about to start a new adventure and although things may change, I know certain things will still remain. It's the strong relationships that truly help build your life. So all I can say is here goes nothing.

The Countdown

76 days and 6 hours until I go to University. 7 days and 22 hours until my holiday. A holiday without my parents, just with three of my closest friends. I'm so excited, however it doesn't feel real yet. None of this actually feels real. Even the idea that i've finished college doesn't feel real. I don't know where the last two years of my life have even gone! I'm 18, an adult. It just feels surreal. I don't know if I like it not. I don't think my mum and dad's expectations of me have really grown, but my expectations for myself have. I just expect myself to not be scared of anything, to not fear moving away, to go out all the time like everyone else. I want my holiday to come soo badly, but I know once that comes then that means I won't see my boyfriend for another 4 weeks as by the time i'm home he would have left to go away himself. So it's hard to be excited. I'm just trying to tell myself that four weeks is nothing. However I rarely listen to myself, well the optimistic side of myself. I'm half optimist, half pessimist. Normally the negative side wins. Although not always. Recently it has been vice versa and i've seen the good in most things. However you get days like today which seeing the good in things is difficult. But i'm writing this in a way to stop myself dwelling on negative things. The other day I felt I did something brave. To some people it's nothing but to me it's a step in the right direction. Some people know that I suffer from Paruresis, a phobia related to urinating in public toilets or even in the presence of others. You may laugh or maybe you don't really understand how this phobia exists but believe me it does, and it's horrible. It genuinely affects my every day life and stops me from doing various things, while everyones out getting drunk, i'm sat at home in bed. Most people can relax with their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends and not have to worry how much they drink because they might need a wee and if they can't go they'll be in pain. So then you get dehydrated, you get headaches, you genuinely just feel shit and what? All just because you have an irrational fear. 7% of the population may be paruretic. Then when people ask you what's the matter, you feel so embarrassed, then you explain and they tell you, you're being silly and that you should just 'learn to deal with it' or 'try harder', but don't these people think if it was that easy i'd be fine by now? The first time I realised something was wrong was in Majorca 2006, where I felt the most horrible stabbing pains in the bottom of my stomach. It hurt so much. Now university's around the corner I just want to get it sorted. I went to my doctors a year or two ago and he told me he'd never heard of it. So what do you think I did? I just tried to ignore it, I felt like a freak. I'd just try to make sure I wasn't in situations where it would occur. Therefore I'd drink less and not go out. I even tried almost teaching myself to get better. But that failed, some days i'd genuinely think i'm okay and actually getting better then the next day i'd be back to square one. So recently I visited the doctors again. I now have to book an appointment with Devon's depression and anxiety clinic for them to assess me I guess. The next step is actually picking up my phone and making the appointment. But i'm scared and i'm nervous, all I can think is what if it doesn't work? what if there is no solution? what if people just think i'm being stupid? But I can't think like this. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, all that matters is what I think and feel. So if you got this far thank you for reading.

Change

A few months ago getting away from here was all I wanted to do, going to University didn't seem like too much of a change, I didn't think it would be like this. I thought it would be a new start and everything here seemed a bit of a mess anyway so getting away would be for the best. But now suddenly everything has changed. Things have suddenly turned around, as you can tell I haven't been writing blog after blog about how I feel unhappy. No i'm not happy every minute of the day, but who is? I'm just glad, I've got what i've got. I have a family who I love - although at times we don't always see eye to eye and we may scream and shout, we have a relationship which I couldn't change for the world. Not everyone can call their dad a fucking twat and get called slut in return. The family banter makes my family, my family. We started off quite small, just me, my parents, my sisters and my nan and grandma. I now have practically two brother-in-laws, a 1 year old niece and a boyfriend of my own. And I love that. I also have an AMAZING best-friend who literally is like my life support, her mum & step dad are like my second parents and her house is my second home. We may never talk about all the emotional stuff but she will always be the one to make me smile and laugh and the one that truly cares! We've been friends for practically 11 years and I can't imagine living more than 5 minutes away from her. But by the end of this year 5 minutes will be more like 4 hours. I know it won't change our friendship and she'll always be my best-friend but it doesn't make it any easier! So hopefully she'll come visit me often when she's rolling in the money. But it doesn't stop there I don't have just one amazing best-friend. I also have my two other beautiful girls, who are always there for me! Whether it's sending crazy pictures/videos to one another or getting cushty with some cake and good tv! These girls are also my rocks. It's these people that i'll miss. It's these people that make this step that little bit scarier. I want the next chapter of my life to begin, but I don't want to leave this one behind. It feels like the exciting part has only just started. Although in my eyes University may be a new chapter but a new chapter which involves some people from the previous! It's just scary knowing that if all goes well in less than four months i'll be living in the big city of London! A dream which I thought wouldn't ever come true. It's thoughts like these which make me realise how precious the moments you have with people truly are, like my birthday on Thursday! Literally going to make the most out of every second! Spending it with all the people I love and care about. Aw i'm such a soppy twat. So my motto for everyone is just to appreciate what you've got because you'll only regret that you didn't when it's gone! So I spent time looking for a cute meaningful picture & ended up with this ahahaah

Door mat.

So you'll either read this title and think WTF is she writing about now or you're dumb enough to think I am actually going to spend my time writing about door mats. Either way you're stupid. Just kidding, I love you... so carry on reading. So while i'm sitting here 'resting up' I thought i'd do something a little more active, okay active isn't the word but i'm not about to sit here going through all the different words I know to find the right one. Sitting here scrolling through Facebook, I see people, people who were my friends, people who are my friends, people who I dislike, people who probably dislike me, people who I love and people who just don't bother. Through the past five years of my life, I have gone through stages. Times where I disliked myself, times I thought I wasn't good enough, times I thought no-one was good enough for me and times where I thought i'd never be good enough for anyone else. And it's because of these people, these people who treat others like a 'door mat'. The people who walk into your life, get you hooked and then one day just walk on out. The ones who can't be bothered, the ones who are just simply pricks and the ones where you never really found the answer. Why as people do we think we can play with other peoples feelings? Why do we stop bothering with others? Why does everything have to be done on our terms? We are selfish that's why. Human beings are selfish. We just have different ways of expressing it. Some of us, just act upon what will make us happy, others will act in a way that will make themselves and others happy. My point is why be so selfish? What do we gain? You treat someone like shit, they treat you like shit. It's an on going game which never really stops just dies out over time. A year can change everything. 365 days 52 weeks 12 months 1 year. At the beginning someone could be your best friend by the end they could be almost a stranger. I walk past people who were my best friends and I wonder if we were to talk what would we say? would it be awkward? would it be fine? would we argue? Or would it just be silent? But life is too short for what ifs. So for that reason, I walk by I smile and I get on with my day. The people who treat you like a door mat, aren't worth your time or thoughts. They waste your time and damage the person you are, so stop wasting your time and start making the most out of the people who are worth your time, the people who want to see you smile and laugh, the people who care.

Back on track.

Looking at my white board and realising this is my fourth week back at college since half term was a massive slap in the face. This week I have worked my ass off. Monday college, netball, coursework. Tuesday college, coursework, work. Wednesday worked all day. Thursday college, work. Friday college, coaching. Saturday working, meal. Sunday worked all day. I am shattered. However I don't have time to take a break, I need to keep going. My exams are just a few months away and I really do not want to muck up just because I couldn't be bothered, just because I felt tired. I want to make a change and I really want this week to be the week I make a difference. I know it's a long shot, but as I always say it's better to say you tried then you didn't. I'm fed up of feeling like this, just watching my future literally just fall apart because I'm not happy with myself. I need to make the change, I need to get back on track. I need to do something. Instead of letting everything just pass me by, which I'm awfully good at. This morning my mum said "Shannon you need to get 3 B's to get into Leeds don't you?" And I replied "Yeah I do" "Well do you think theres any chance you will" "Probably not" "So do you see any point going" At this point I actually felt offended, but why? All she did was agree with me and this is when I realised i'm not even trying, I have zero faith in myself that I'll do well in my exams and that i'll even go to university. So I turned around and said "YES, yes there is a point in going, I already don't like one I need to make the most of what I've been offered, if I never go i'll never know if it's worth pushing myself" "Okay thats fair enough, I was only asking because you know how expensive it is to get there, etc." In my head yes, yes I do. But it's my future. And well this is when it hit me, I need to focus on my college work and my future. It won't be easy, I know that and the chances of me succeeding feel very slim. However there is a part of me that's fed up of living like this person. I know theres other things I need to do, to make this change successful. Things that scare me. So one step at a time, but any progress is progress. If I can just make one baby step towards my goal i'll be happy. So happy. Things don't change over night, things take time. Right now, I have no self belief or confidence, i'm forever paranoid, forever in a swing from one emotion to another, I never feel content and I always feel tired, nothing ever feels good enough, I'm my own worst enemy. So here's my vow to change. Who needs new years resolutions to make a change right?

Excitement.

I'm bored. I want something exciting to happen. Something to look forward to. I always thought planning a holiday before going to university would be easy, no hassle just enjoyable. Oh boy was I wrong. Planning a holiday is sooo hard. You have to think about the people, the place, the dates, the cost, how long for blablabla. All I want is the beach, cocktails, my best-friends and the sun. Once thats booked I suppose I will have something to look forward to. I'm just bored of routine at the moment, wake up, get ready, go to college, go home, eat, sleep. wake up, go to work, go home, eat, sleep. It's just boring. I also feel like I need to remember a billion different things at once constantly and I hardly ever remember a couple of things let alone a bloody list. College is better than last year, don't get me wrong. I know longer do philosophy and I have one less subject so more gaps, I get Wednesdays off - but I work & this year I don't do any evening shifts at work. But at the moment college isn't enjoyable, two weeks behind in graphics, failed my first psychology exam & just feel like every lesson I can't concentrate and never take any information in, English my teacher isn't even there & we haven't covered half the stuff we're meant to of by now. Wow I could moan for England at this rate. ASDFGHJJK. I think I might just do that, as this is my blog so I can write about whateveerrrrr I like. I'm also tooo tired to write anything else, sleep it is. GOOD NIGHT, GOD BLESS.