Back on track.

Looking at my white board and realising this is my fourth week back at college since half term was a massive slap in the face. This week I have worked my ass off. Monday college, netball, coursework. Tuesday college, coursework, work. Wednesday worked all day. Thursday college, work. Friday college, coaching. Saturday working, meal. Sunday worked all day. I am shattered. However I don't have time to take a break, I need to keep going. My exams are just a few months away and I really do not want to muck up just because I couldn't be bothered, just because I felt tired. I want to make a change and I really want this week to be the week I make a difference. I know it's a long shot, but as I always say it's better to say you tried then you didn't. I'm fed up of feeling like this, just watching my future literally just fall apart because I'm not happy with myself. I need to make the change, I need to get back on track. I need to do something. Instead of letting everything just pass me by, which I'm awfully good at. This morning my mum said "Shannon you need to get 3 B's to get into Leeds don't you?" And I replied "Yeah I do" "Well do you think theres any chance you will" "Probably not" "So do you see any point going" At this point I actually felt offended, but why? All she did was agree with me and this is when I realised i'm not even trying, I have zero faith in myself that I'll do well in my exams and that i'll even go to university. So I turned around and said "YES, yes there is a point in going, I already don't like one I need to make the most of what I've been offered, if I never go i'll never know if it's worth pushing myself" "Okay thats fair enough, I was only asking because you know how expensive it is to get there, etc." In my head yes, yes I do. But it's my future. And well this is when it hit me, I need to focus on my college work and my future. It won't be easy, I know that and the chances of me succeeding feel very slim. However there is a part of me that's fed up of living like this person. I know theres other things I need to do, to make this change successful. Things that scare me. So one step at a time, but any progress is progress. If I can just make one baby step towards my goal i'll be happy. So happy. Things don't change over night, things take time. Right now, I have no self belief or confidence, i'm forever paranoid, forever in a swing from one emotion to another, I never feel content and I always feel tired, nothing ever feels good enough, I'm my own worst enemy. So here's my vow to change. Who needs new years resolutions to make a change right?