Door mat.

So you'll either read this title and think WTF is she writing about now or you're dumb enough to think I am actually going to spend my time writing about door mats. Either way you're stupid. Just kidding, I love you... so carry on reading. So while i'm sitting here 'resting up' I thought i'd do something a little more active, okay active isn't the word but i'm not about to sit here going through all the different words I know to find the right one. Sitting here scrolling through Facebook, I see people, people who were my friends, people who are my friends, people who I dislike, people who probably dislike me, people who I love and people who just don't bother. Through the past five years of my life, I have gone through stages. Times where I disliked myself, times I thought I wasn't good enough, times I thought no-one was good enough for me and times where I thought i'd never be good enough for anyone else. And it's because of these people, these people who treat others like a 'door mat'. The people who walk into your life, get you hooked and then one day just walk on out. The ones who can't be bothered, the ones who are just simply pricks and the ones where you never really found the answer. Why as people do we think we can play with other peoples feelings? Why do we stop bothering with others? Why does everything have to be done on our terms? We are selfish that's why. Human beings are selfish. We just have different ways of expressing it. Some of us, just act upon what will make us happy, others will act in a way that will make themselves and others happy. My point is why be so selfish? What do we gain? You treat someone like shit, they treat you like shit. It's an on going game which never really stops just dies out over time. A year can change everything. 365 days 52 weeks 12 months 1 year. At the beginning someone could be your best friend by the end they could be almost a stranger. I walk past people who were my best friends and I wonder if we were to talk what would we say? would it be awkward? would it be fine? would we argue? Or would it just be silent? But life is too short for what ifs. So for that reason, I walk by I smile and I get on with my day. The people who treat you like a door mat, aren't worth your time or thoughts. They waste your time and damage the person you are, so stop wasting your time and start making the most out of the people who are worth your time, the people who want to see you smile and laugh, the people who care.

Back on track.

Looking at my white board and realising this is my fourth week back at college since half term was a massive slap in the face. This week I have worked my ass off. Monday college, netball, coursework. Tuesday college, coursework, work. Wednesday worked all day. Thursday college, work. Friday college, coaching. Saturday working, meal. Sunday worked all day. I am shattered. However I don't have time to take a break, I need to keep going. My exams are just a few months away and I really do not want to muck up just because I couldn't be bothered, just because I felt tired. I want to make a change and I really want this week to be the week I make a difference. I know it's a long shot, but as I always say it's better to say you tried then you didn't. I'm fed up of feeling like this, just watching my future literally just fall apart because I'm not happy with myself. I need to make the change, I need to get back on track. I need to do something. Instead of letting everything just pass me by, which I'm awfully good at. This morning my mum said "Shannon you need to get 3 B's to get into Leeds don't you?" And I replied "Yeah I do" "Well do you think theres any chance you will" "Probably not" "So do you see any point going" At this point I actually felt offended, but why? All she did was agree with me and this is when I realised i'm not even trying, I have zero faith in myself that I'll do well in my exams and that i'll even go to university. So I turned around and said "YES, yes there is a point in going, I already don't like one I need to make the most of what I've been offered, if I never go i'll never know if it's worth pushing myself" "Okay thats fair enough, I was only asking because you know how expensive it is to get there, etc." In my head yes, yes I do. But it's my future. And well this is when it hit me, I need to focus on my college work and my future. It won't be easy, I know that and the chances of me succeeding feel very slim. However there is a part of me that's fed up of living like this person. I know theres other things I need to do, to make this change successful. Things that scare me. So one step at a time, but any progress is progress. If I can just make one baby step towards my goal i'll be happy. So happy. Things don't change over night, things take time. Right now, I have no self belief or confidence, i'm forever paranoid, forever in a swing from one emotion to another, I never feel content and I always feel tired, nothing ever feels good enough, I'm my own worst enemy. So here's my vow to change. Who needs new years resolutions to make a change right?

Excitement.

I'm bored. I want something exciting to happen. Something to look forward to. I always thought planning a holiday before going to university would be easy, no hassle just enjoyable. Oh boy was I wrong. Planning a holiday is sooo hard. You have to think about the people, the place, the dates, the cost, how long for blablabla. All I want is the beach, cocktails, my best-friends and the sun. Once thats booked I suppose I will have something to look forward to. I'm just bored of routine at the moment, wake up, get ready, go to college, go home, eat, sleep. wake up, go to work, go home, eat, sleep. It's just boring. I also feel like I need to remember a billion different things at once constantly and I hardly ever remember a couple of things let alone a bloody list. College is better than last year, don't get me wrong. I know longer do philosophy and I have one less subject so more gaps, I get Wednesdays off - but I work & this year I don't do any evening shifts at work. But at the moment college isn't enjoyable, two weeks behind in graphics, failed my first psychology exam & just feel like every lesson I can't concentrate and never take any information in, English my teacher isn't even there & we haven't covered half the stuff we're meant to of by now. Wow I could moan for England at this rate. ASDFGHJJK. I think I might just do that, as this is my blog so I can write about whateveerrrrr I like. I'm also tooo tired to write anything else, sleep it is. GOOD NIGHT, GOD BLESS.

Choice

Do we have free will or are we determined? Don't worry this isn't actually going to be a blog based on the subject of philosophy but it will definitely intertwine with some free will and determinism. Choice. Do we have the choice to do otherwise in every situation or are we predetermined? Is everything just a chain of events? We all like to think we could do otherwise for one reason or another, maybe it makes us feel less guilty or maybe it gives us reason in particular situations. Whatever the reason is if most people were asked "do you believe we have free will?" The most common response I believe that would come of this question is "yes, yes we do". Why is it that we can't handle the idea of our lives being out of our control or the idea that we just follow the lines that were drawn out for us? Many people say they could just get up and move away, but how many people do? Many people have dreams of being famous and successful, yet how many people do? Other times we say to ourselves why me. Why does this have to happen to me? Seems quite a selfish thought, but then again if you don't look after yourself then no one else will. Recently I have had a couple of these thoughts. Cancer is a bitch. Cancer should probably get cancer and die and leave everyone to be happy and lead joyful lives. But it doesn't happen like that. Two of my relatives have now been diagnosed with cancer in the past six months and it hurts. However close we may not be now, they will have always played a part in my life. What hurts the most is knowing that I’m living a life where I take people for granted. These two people I haven't seen for a year, since my great auntie died a few years ago, things changed. The Christmas visits stopped, the cards and the phone calls came to a halt. Slowly these people have disappeared from my life. And that hurts, it hurts a lot. Maybe this wasn't totally my fault, maybe I didn't or don't have complete control. But in a few months I will be 18, I don't have any excuses. I'm not a child anymore. If I want to do something I should just get up and do it right? We all know it's not that easy, we all know with each day of life there is a new barrier. I have only been on this earth for 17 years, what do I really know. But from those 17 years, I have learnt something or should I say learning as I'm not quite there yet. People come and go. Some people will shove you down and others will be there to pick you back up again. But you, you will always be there for yourself. Or so I hope. In every situation think about yourself, don't be selfish but don't lose self-respect. Don't lose ambition. Today I have realised there is only 11 weeks of college left and tomorrow I'm going to London for my first applicant today. Tomorrow is going to make everything become so real. This time next year I could be living in London or Leeds or Cardiff?! My life will have changed. I'm scared but I know in the back of my mind I’m doing the right thing, I want to experience life properly. I want do think I can do everything I've always wanted to. However is my life full of my own choices and decisions? Certain things seem out of my hands. For example my relatives, I don't know how much longer they have, I don't want to live in guilt, because I know they would never want me to. I want to make something out of myself, for those who have come before me. I may be scared now but if I don't try, I’ll never succeed and I’ll never know if anything I want in life was possible. So all I can say is do what makes you happy and prove to yourself that anything is possible if you just put your mind to it.

If you don't try, you'll never succeed.