understanding this

i could put on a front like i'm not sad inside, i could put on a front so you cant see the tears i am fighting, i could lie everytime you say how are you and i say i am ok. i could look at you with this great big smile and laugh until my stomache hurts, i can say i dont care a billion times for me just to be thinking its the only thing i care about. could be the smallest thing that could set me of it, it could be the smallest thing to remind me but all i see is these same thoughts day in day out. to only think its normal. so young to be sick of life, so young to care. but when your faced with all these things, these changes, what do you do? feels like everyone says there ok, when there not, just plugs in & shuts the whole world out.

you no what i trusted you. i believed you when you said, 'shannon no matter what happens i will always have time for you, you've been there for me through a lot & thats the least you deserve' but look.. where are you? not here and it hurts. a billion people could tell me your not worth it, but nothing can be said to stop how much i care for you, how much i want you to just come up to me & give me a big hug & say i'm sorry, but its not going to happen unless i make that first move to say something, but you no what i dont want to, i'm scared what you'll say, i'm scared that in reality this could all be my fault, i'm scared that you will just say you dont care and its best i just let go. but i need you, i really needed you. and thats all there is too it. i have told you things that i could never tell anyone else & i suppose i havnt told anyone else. but right now all that i told you has come back to me, not that it went.

i'm not sure if i miss you or i am just angry that i lost you. there was a time when we were so close, that losing you was never a thought, never a option. but its been over a year since we started to drift and no longer can i count on you. no longer are you some one who would come running when i'm down, who i could relie on to catch me when i fall. you've changed and it just gets to me. each day when i see you, i just wish we could at least say hi, i hate it. i helped you when you needed me, i did my best to boost you back up but i obviously didnt do enoough.

i annoy myself how i cant talk about it, i annoy myself how i dont give one person the chance to understand, but how to you just blurt all this out, the only thing someone ever says it i am sure its just getting to you, it will all be alrite or maybe you need some sleep or i am sure its not that bad, or they look at you thinking how pathetic are you seriously, i have been through far worse. but when you feel like your stuck this road & you cant get of it.

--

ok totaL random one but erghhhh you annoy me. the stupid little things, all you ever do is complainn... when i was a kidd things were like this bla bla, you cant even clean your own facking plate because you've been working all day & then if anyone else gets food its why dont you offer me, then you go get a fat ass piece of cake make the most annoying noises & just have to irritate me.

not finished but meh.

just another day

so where do i start i have written 2 blogs already wanting to just let all this emotion out but i can never seem to finish them, for anyone to see they just stay sat there for my eyes only, so this time i will finish it! but where do i start .. i will start with the roots of today.. just another day hay, getting up having my shower & boiled egg & eating my apple on my lovely journey to school with my best friends. i get to school, i go to tutor, i go to lesson, same old same old. so i had tutor mentoring with my best mate & my tutor today talking about school and how its going blabla & i was like well its going ok abit stressful but i'm ok. So the day carrys on i go to break have a little chitchat & a bite to eat(A) i go to my next lesson, drama, a lesson i love & enjoy. get to express my self in a different way. be who i want to be. but recently we've been working on a play called much ado about nothing, a shakesperes play, which at first i wasnt to keen on because i got the part i didnt want, i was a man & well i'm not a manly type of girl:L but ah well(: & then i realised i had 47 lines to learn :| so not so good:/ so todays lesson we would be getting ready for our final performance on tuesday. so i am sitting in my lesson having a class discussion & the next thing i know, what i was seeing just jumped, i didnt understand so i turned away & closed my eyes holding my hand to my head, i looked at my friend but she seemed just a blurr. i dont even no what i said but she knew i wasnt right, i begin to cry, tears just strolling down my face. she was like come on shannon lets go out the room for a bit. so i tried to stand, but my breathing was going funny & my legs were jelly, all i can remember is holding on to my friend, i didnt understand what was happening or why it was. i was shaking & couldnt help but cry, i was embarressed, it had to happen AGAIN & infront of all these people, they must of thought i was faking it or being stupid, i didnt know what to think i was too confused. my friend manages to get me down the corridor to my teachers office & my other friend got the first aiders for me. i sat on the chair, upset, angry, embarressed, confused & feeling helpless. upset because i didnt understand what just happened, angry because it happened again & i hated it, embarressed because it was infront of my whole class, confused cause i did understand where it came from & helpless because i felt lost. i dont even remember thanking my friend, but i was greatful, i dont remember clearly if thats what happened or if it was in that order but thats what sits at the back of my mind, the two first aiders came, they asked me a few questions & made me feel a bit better that i was alrite, they held my hands & helped me walk down the corridor, i happened to see one of my friends but i just put my head down with embarressment. but the thing is this had already happened this week..

monday evening; i was playing netball like i always do, feeling as happy as larry, had an alrite day & one of my friends was sweet enough to bake me cookies, i was feeling absolutly fine. didnt play first quarter because we had a few more players then usual but i went on at second quarter playing centre my normal position(: which i love but i can get very tired. was a good game, quite funny as we were kicking ass & the ladies were getting very moody & agrressive which can be very amusing(: so it got to half time i was feeling abit tired but that was normal & then i went on as goal attack which is new for me but i was looking forward to it, but suddenly my breathing felt tight & i was finding it hard to breath, i just thought i had over done it a bit, so i tried to pace my self & slow my self down. but it wasnt working the 15 minutes felt forever. i thought someone would notice i was struggling but i felt invisible, i carried on playing thinking i would be ok & the quarter would be over soon. but i couldnt i walked of the court & looked to my mum, i couldnt breath probably & i was shaking my mum took hold of me & my legs were just not moving they felt like jelly, again the tears began to run down my face, this had never happened to me before, what was it, my mum thought i was having an asthma attack, so she tried calming me down, it felt like everyone was looking at me, i felt like i was in some kind of bubble, i was scared, embarressed.

...

so it had happened again.. my mum had booked me a doctors appointment but not for another week or so.. but i didnt mind because i thought it was a flook & i said to her ah dont worry about it then if i have to wait that long i will be fine by then, but i wasnt:/ obviously. no one new what it was.. asthma, diabeties, stress, flook, sugar rush, hormones, i didnt no but it all scared me, but as i sat there on the netball court as i sat there on the chair in the office the same things ran through my head. what if i was.. what if i am.. i was scared. so i went to the doctors today for them to say i had a bit of a high blood pressure & pale eyes & i was probably just stressed, but if i was how to stop it, a lot of people said prob all the drama you've been doing but i felt like it had to be more then that, its finally just got to me hasnt it:/ i have blood tests on monday & i thought next week was bad enough already with stupid dentist, which i just ergh hate.

i dont really no what i think of any of it. i just feel like a little girl lost in this mad place. i just wanna feel better, i dont wanna be so emotional that the smallest thing can break me into tears so i feel so rubbish i just sit & cry with anger. but how do you explain to people you love, that your just not happy how? but you cant stop it.

not to sure.

another random i found.

do you ever get that feeling when you just can't explain anything because you just dont no. like you feel down, but you dont no why? or you feel like you should be annoyed with someone but you cant quite explain what they did to make you feel like it. do you ever wish you just had the guts to walk up to someone and say do you actually care about me or are you just gonna stand there and act as you couldnt care less, or walk away from me and just leave me. i dont really ever no why i dont? maybe its because i just dont want the tears or having to handle with the grief that comes with it, it never really seems worth it.

but the thing is with out saying anything i still get the tears and stress but it just seems the easy way out & then when you have a fat drama performance coming up in two weeks & you have 47 lines to remember & then having to retake my maths, we did it all early for nothing. then i have to think about my science which is coming up, then i obviously have friend & girl friend commitments & then my favourite sport netball & all my other school subjects, sometimes it all gets to much, but i wouldnt ever give up on any of it because they all mean so much to me. just feels some people just want to make things harder.

to not make sence i do best, to feel lost and pretend i'm all ok i do.

puzzled mind

i look at you when your looking the other way & i see the friend ship we had. The one i fought so hard for, the one i never wanted to give up on, know matter what happened. We are so different, but yet being your best friend felt so right. We had the stupid arguments, but i always tried to be there for you & i know you were greatful.. you brought me such nice things, which i loved & still do. but every time i look at them, i feel puzzled not knowing what i did so wrong for you to just let me go. For me not to have you as a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to.. unless i planned to do that through a computer. And tbh i guess i rather have nothing if thats what you want. we're not best friends we're only just friends, you don't have the time for me & you've told me yourself.