just another day

so where do i start i have written 2 blogs already wanting to just let all this emotion out but i can never seem to finish them, for anyone to see they just stay sat there for my eyes only, so this time i will finish it! but where do i start .. i will start with the roots of today.. just another day hay, getting up having my shower & boiled egg & eating my apple on my lovely journey to school with my best friends. i get to school, i go to tutor, i go to lesson, same old same old. so i had tutor mentoring with my best mate & my tutor today talking about school and how its going blabla & i was like well its going ok abit stressful but i'm ok. So the day carrys on i go to break have a little chitchat & a bite to eat(A) i go to my next lesson, drama, a lesson i love & enjoy. get to express my self in a different way. be who i want to be. but recently we've been working on a play called much ado about nothing, a shakesperes play, which at first i wasnt to keen on because i got the part i didnt want, i was a man & well i'm not a manly type of girl:L but ah well(: & then i realised i had 47 lines to learn :| so not so good:/ so todays lesson we would be getting ready for our final performance on tuesday. so i am sitting in my lesson having a class discussion & the next thing i know, what i was seeing just jumped, i didnt understand so i turned away & closed my eyes holding my hand to my head, i looked at my friend but she seemed just a blurr. i dont even no what i said but she knew i wasnt right, i begin to cry, tears just strolling down my face. she was like come on shannon lets go out the room for a bit. so i tried to stand, but my breathing was going funny & my legs were jelly, all i can remember is holding on to my friend, i didnt understand what was happening or why it was. i was shaking & couldnt help but cry, i was embarressed, it had to happen AGAIN & infront of all these people, they must of thought i was faking it or being stupid, i didnt know what to think i was too confused. my friend manages to get me down the corridor to my teachers office & my other friend got the first aiders for me. i sat on the chair, upset, angry, embarressed, confused & feeling helpless. upset because i didnt understand what just happened, angry because it happened again & i hated it, embarressed because it was infront of my whole class, confused cause i did understand where it came from & helpless because i felt lost. i dont even remember thanking my friend, but i was greatful, i dont remember clearly if thats what happened or if it was in that order but thats what sits at the back of my mind, the two first aiders came, they asked me a few questions & made me feel a bit better that i was alrite, they held my hands & helped me walk down the corridor, i happened to see one of my friends but i just put my head down with embarressment. but the thing is this had already happened this week..

monday evening; i was playing netball like i always do, feeling as happy as larry, had an alrite day & one of my friends was sweet enough to bake me cookies, i was feeling absolutly fine. didnt play first quarter because we had a few more players then usual but i went on at second quarter playing centre my normal position(: which i love but i can get very tired. was a good game, quite funny as we were kicking ass & the ladies were getting very moody & agrressive which can be very amusing(: so it got to half time i was feeling abit tired but that was normal & then i went on as goal attack which is new for me but i was looking forward to it, but suddenly my breathing felt tight & i was finding it hard to breath, i just thought i had over done it a bit, so i tried to pace my self & slow my self down. but it wasnt working the 15 minutes felt forever. i thought someone would notice i was struggling but i felt invisible, i carried on playing thinking i would be ok & the quarter would be over soon. but i couldnt i walked of the court & looked to my mum, i couldnt breath probably & i was shaking my mum took hold of me & my legs were just not moving they felt like jelly, again the tears began to run down my face, this had never happened to me before, what was it, my mum thought i was having an asthma attack, so she tried calming me down, it felt like everyone was looking at me, i felt like i was in some kind of bubble, i was scared, embarressed.

...

so it had happened again.. my mum had booked me a doctors appointment but not for another week or so.. but i didnt mind because i thought it was a flook & i said to her ah dont worry about it then if i have to wait that long i will be fine by then, but i wasnt:/ obviously. no one new what it was.. asthma, diabeties, stress, flook, sugar rush, hormones, i didnt no but it all scared me, but as i sat there on the netball court as i sat there on the chair in the office the same things ran through my head. what if i was.. what if i am.. i was scared. so i went to the doctors today for them to say i had a bit of a high blood pressure & pale eyes & i was probably just stressed, but if i was how to stop it, a lot of people said prob all the drama you've been doing but i felt like it had to be more then that, its finally just got to me hasnt it:/ i have blood tests on monday & i thought next week was bad enough already with stupid dentist, which i just ergh hate.

i dont really no what i think of any of it. i just feel like a little girl lost in this mad place. i just wanna feel better, i dont wanna be so emotional that the smallest thing can break me into tears so i feel so rubbish i just sit & cry with anger. but how do you explain to people you love, that your just not happy how? but you cant stop it.