a step in the right direction..

each day i take a step, a step higher, slowly reaching even ground. things are getting better not easier. i am learning that in every situation, theres always something good you can focus on. i dont like being sad, so i'm not? i havnt cried in over a week and for me that is the biggest achievement i have had in a long time. i dont enjoy sitting alone and wishing for my life to be easier, i prefar laughing and smiling, don't we all? but if we all do prefar that, why do we choose to let our selves drop to a level that it feels impossible we cant get off of? i'm no better then anyone else and i would never upset someone intentionally but sometimes people dont no when enough is enough.

we take alot for granted with out realising, we make ourselves feel worse without even knowing so, today a man came into school to talk to my year group about maximising achievment and when i first heard about it i was like yes..:) i am looking forward to it and then someone said it was rubbish so my want.. dropped. but then i was like if i go in with a open mind i will find out for myself and tbh i am very glad i did. it was an inspiration which inspired me to write a blog actually but as i started one last night i thought well i shall add to it..

every one person has a dream, every one person is going through the same thing ...life. sometimes as people we feel sorry for ourselves either because we're having a bad day or somethings not quite going right, but thats just the facts of life. with out the bad things we wouldnt be so greatful for the good.

only,one person can change your life, you

i like to be different, i like to stand out from the crowd, to be unique to shine in my own way. i have a few dreams which i would like to follow and i suppose the process starts now, today. everything seems impossible untill its done. but why dont you give something new a try? why dont you take a step out of your comfort zone, see what you can do.

my favourite things in life.. the people i share my life with, my animals,coookies, new clothes, shopping, the cookie monster, getting into bed when i am really tired and just falling asleep, writing, acting, netball, having long chats with people & realising how lucky i have it, fooood, feeling good about my self, the feeling of being loved and cared about by someone other then my family, meeting new people and instantly feeling like you have known them for years, dancing too music like a idiot, making people smile, watching and helping people go from down to low, looking through old pictures, being appreciated, doing well in school, acheiving, setting goals and meeting them, running as fast as i can for no reason, laughing so much i cry, being snuggled up to the person you love and just not wanting to let go, being held and to be told your loved, singing to music, going out with my friends and just having a laugh with out having to try, looking through old pictures, the feeling of someone looking up to me.. so theres so many things i love in the life.. so surely they can over come the bad.. so this is my step, my step in the right direction.

come dine with mee babbeh.

Well last night i stayed at my friends house for our 'Come Dine With Me' hehe. we are cool i know(: but i will start just before then.. well first of all me & my lovely friend had netball.. which i love, but we were playing each other so I wasnt really looking forward to it, but my team played really well even if we lost, was very proud and very HOT. soo then we pondered out the front of school and i got a letter and i was thinking oh damn.. academy letter, which is netball trials but right now i dont have the time for them but i opened it to find a £25 pound check for me for helping out with netball!:) so i was a very happy chappy.. moneeey ££££. so.. we drove to georgias house in my sexy car.. then we had our showers.. LUSH shower i may add(: so then i got ready (got to wear my new booties.. that made me happpy) soo.. i put on my sexy knitted grey tights with my black legwarmers and grey and black dress and put on the booties & did my hair & makeup :D then waited for georgia to be ready .. ohh & georgie came over first tooo. then miss B took us to the Carters house which i was very nervous about but when i got there i seemed to be fine(: Matt cooked us beef casserole with roast potatoes and carrots and brocolli and sticky toffee pudding for desert which was good, even if he didnt think so i thought so!:) then we went upstairs and watched a film which was verry good but i was tired.. so managed to fall asleep:( :L after the filmm we were just chatting casually and i fraped Matt which to be honest made me laugh rather alot. ha i am sorry this is quite a s*itty blog but tbh i just dont no how to write about it.. basically i had a lovely time and i cant wait until its my turn.. got it all planned out (A) little christmas crackers, a noooooice roast, hot chocolates and just a load of laughs.. anyhow i dont no what to say so i am gonna stop until i get some inspiration! <3

36 blogs later..

11th november 2010

Well 36 blogs later and a lots gone on.. not all so positive, but then sometimes i think i take for granted what i have. i don't really appreciate it until its gone. so i was thinking last night about a quote which came from the heart and head.

When you reach a place when you feel the only option is giving up, don't. Stand and be strong, remember through every dark patch the light will shine. Appreciate what you have, while you have it. Live for today, not yesterday. Create the unthinkable, be who you truly are.

today was a day i wanted to remember, today was meant to be a day that was special. today was the day that me and my ex boyfriend would have been together for 6 months. but instead it was a day for thinking about what i don't have and about the people fighting for my country. today i did not cry, i did not let myself get low, because sometimes things happen which you cant control and sometimes not everything is meant to be how much it may feel it could last forever. no one can understand how one may feel they can only try. so many people in worse situations then myself, which i think has helped the tears. My friend once said love scars, but the scars make the person you are today. Which i suppose is very true. Yesterday when i was watching Pride of Britain awards, i thought to myself.. if a small boy can fight cancer twice and still come out the other side with a smile on his face and a 12 year old girl can save childrens lifes in a fire, then simply being me is not all that hard. In the past two years i have changed because of the dramatic changes i have experienced, i have had to say good bye to 4 people i care about and 2 animals and nearly lost another. i have gained and lost best friends, i have been lied too, I've been stabbed in the back, i have been dragged along, i have been heart broken. but each person can make a list of what they've been through and how much pain they are feeling but not many people can get back up again and stand strong and actually accept whats happened and get on with there lives. many people will hold grudges, many people will plan revenge, many people will sit and cry but i don't want to be one of those people, i want to be someone who can smile through every thing that's thrown at them.


falling in love brang us so close, too only push us apart. one year can turn your life around to turn it straight back again.





sitting with no emotion, thoughts going through your head.
feeling exhausted and tired as you sit upon your bed.
reaching out for happieness, trying to catch that smile.
you wait and think, is this someone testing me, am i on trial?
your walking through the dark days, searching for the light.
your confused of how you feel and your chest is feeling tight.
turning to the mirror, you look at yourself, in shame, in dissapointment..
you see you loosing yourself again.

my next blog is going to be about something a little different :) so i hope this was ok for tonight, night bloggers :)

I am sitting here trying to explain myself why I am here? Why this has to happen. Telling myself how I feel over and over, how nothing seems to get better, how something, someone has to knock me down while someone else is trying to pull me up. I don’t know how to explain myself I have so much I could say but it just won’t come out. I’m hurting and I can’t concentrate, I don’t want to eat, I feel sick, I’m scared, I can’t sleep properly, I can’t even sit down without all these bad thoughts coming to my head I keep trying to push it out, I keep telling myself this is all one bad dream and soon you’re going to wake up and you’re going to be fine and you will be laughing because none of this has happened. These past two years will disappear and anything bad will be gone only the good memories remain. But as one door closes one shall open as the saying goes... but my doors are closing but none opening. I feel like slowly I am being shut in the dark with only a small window of light to light me up, to guide me through. you said you loved me, you said you would help me all the way, pick me up and you will always be there but I feel like I have just been shoved to the ground however many times you can ask for my friendship how many times you can say sorry it doesn’t stop this pain, there just words and they can’t stop these horrible feelings that I feel. They can’t stop the tears that I cry day by day... or the thoughts of getting away from it all, or when I am sitting here missing you not knowing what to do with myself because everything just gets me thinking. I don’t enjoy being alone, because all I can do is think... and I don’t like it... really am I a sad person... I love to smile and I love to laugh even more, the simplest of things can make my day but the simplest of things can make it come crashing down. I just want you to be here next to me, saying Shannon I will always be here when you need me and when you’re feeling the tiniest bit bad tell me and I will
be there, whether it’s to just hug you or to wipe your tears I will be there, I will be that somebody. but that not going to happen and to accept that I don’t know how long it’s going to take, right now it feels impossible but doesn’t everything when you’re scared and confused.. The smallest thing can seem like the tallest mountain, the simplest word can make your stomach feel as if it’s turned inside out. I know it’s only been a day... but I knew over a week ago so why isn’t it getting any easier, why is my stomach still turning or why eyes still filling why is my head still got all these thoughts on repeat, why cant I just go to sleep wake up with my head high and get on with my life, why are all these things holding me down. I am just so tired of pulling myself back of the ground, and telling myself how stupid I am being, I just want to sit there until someone grabs me and just pulls me up. I know my friends are trying so hard and I know they just want me to be back on top, but right now I just can’t do it, I can’t make that climb.. And then just to add to it the whole thought of school just hurts my head. I have a maths reset in two weeks and yes I have been revising I’ve been going to the extra classes I’ve been offered but I know I haven’t been doing my best because I can’t, I’ve lost all focus, I was sat in English today trying to write my essay on Romeo and Juliet, one of the hardest essays we have to write.. And it covers some of my coursework for English and English lit... but still I sat there complaining to my friend how shit I feel and I just couldn’t do it. Then in January I have my environmental land based science exams, with my science resits, with my graphics resits and something else... I think, and I am just so scared that everything will get to me and I will muck up and I won’t get a second change and the course I want to do in college I won’t be able to do. I want to go college but yet I am so scared to make that big step, I don’t know what I want to take and I am scared to pick anything because I am scared of the pressure or stress it will course.. I love drama, so much. But I am too scared. I am just one big mess and well... I just want it to fuck off to be honest. Sad - angry - unhappy - scared - lost - lonely - heartbroken - stuck... but I wrote this blog to get it all out... to move on from it all. to find the strength inside me to stand up to myself and push myself out of this dark place where I have got myself because I am not helping myself I know .. The first step in life is to admit when you’re unhappy and to not keep it locked in but to let it out and to be honest with yourself and the people around you... if it means crying cry, if it means screaming scream. Because sometimes the only person who can pick you back up is yourself and you just have to be strong enough to do it, because the only way you can move forward is to let go of the past and let yourself enjoy what you have.

I was scared of loosing you but now I have what is there to be scared off?

Thank you so much to my best friends who have came running when I have needed you or been there for a hug or just gave me the confidence to smile, thank you for putting up with me when you properly could just hit me and I hope you will always be there for me. Because I will always be there for you no matter what. I love you guys and without you this would feel all so much worse.


So be proud of who you are, because no body can be as good as you at YOU.

Thank you blogger <3