I am sitting here trying to explain myself why I am here? Why this has to happen. Telling myself how I feel over and over, how nothing seems to get better, how something, someone has to knock me down while someone else is trying to pull me up. I don’t know how to explain myself I have so much I could say but it just won’t come out. I’m hurting and I can’t concentrate, I don’t want to eat, I feel sick, I’m scared, I can’t sleep properly, I can’t even sit down without all these bad thoughts coming to my head I keep trying to push it out, I keep telling myself this is all one bad dream and soon you’re going to wake up and you’re going to be fine and you will be laughing because none of this has happened. These past two years will disappear and anything bad will be gone only the good memories remain. But as one door closes one shall open as the saying goes... but my doors are closing but none opening. I feel like slowly I am being shut in the dark with only a small window of light to light me up, to guide me through. you said you loved me, you said you would help me all the way, pick me up and you will always be there but I feel like I have just been shoved to the ground however many times you can ask for my friendship how many times you can say sorry it doesn’t stop this pain, there just words and they can’t stop these horrible feelings that I feel. They can’t stop the tears that I cry day by day... or the thoughts of getting away from it all, or when I am sitting here missing you not knowing what to do with myself because everything just gets me thinking. I don’t enjoy being alone, because all I can do is think... and I don’t like it... really am I a sad person... I love to smile and I love to laugh even more, the simplest of things can make my day but the simplest of things can make it come crashing down. I just want you to be here next to me, saying Shannon I will always be here when you need me and when you’re feeling the tiniest bit bad tell me and I will
be there, whether it’s to just hug you or to wipe your tears I will be there, I will be that somebody. but that not going to happen and to accept that I don’t know how long it’s going to take, right now it feels impossible but doesn’t everything when you’re scared and confused.. The smallest thing can seem like the tallest mountain, the simplest word can make your stomach feel as if it’s turned inside out. I know it’s only been a day... but I knew over a week ago so why isn’t it getting any easier, why is my stomach still turning or why eyes still filling why is my head still got all these thoughts on repeat, why cant I just go to sleep wake up with my head high and get on with my life, why are all these things holding me down. I am just so tired of pulling myself back of the ground, and telling myself how stupid I am being, I just want to sit there until someone grabs me and just pulls me up. I know my friends are trying so hard and I know they just want me to be back on top, but right now I just can’t do it, I can’t make that climb.. And then just to add to it the whole thought of school just hurts my head. I have a maths reset in two weeks and yes I have been revising I’ve been going to the extra classes I’ve been offered but I know I haven’t been doing my best because I can’t, I’ve lost all focus, I was sat in English today trying to write my essay on Romeo and Juliet, one of the hardest essays we have to write.. And it covers some of my coursework for English and English lit... but still I sat there complaining to my friend how shit I feel and I just couldn’t do it. Then in January I have my environmental land based science exams, with my science resits, with my graphics resits and something else... I think, and I am just so scared that everything will get to me and I will muck up and I won’t get a second change and the course I want to do in college I won’t be able to do. I want to go college but yet I am so scared to make that big step, I don’t know what I want to take and I am scared to pick anything because I am scared of the pressure or stress it will course.. I love drama, so much. But I am too scared. I am just one big mess and well... I just want it to fuck off to be honest. Sad - angry - unhappy - scared - lost - lonely - heartbroken - stuck... but I wrote this blog to get it all out... to move on from it all. to find the strength inside me to stand up to myself and push myself out of this dark place where I have got myself because I am not helping myself I know .. The first step in life is to admit when you’re unhappy and to not keep it locked in but to let it out and to be honest with yourself and the people around you... if it means crying cry, if it means screaming scream. Because sometimes the only person who can pick you back up is yourself and you just have to be strong enough to do it, because the only way you can move forward is to let go of the past and let yourself enjoy what you have.

I was scared of loosing you but now I have what is there to be scared off?

Thank you so much to my best friends who have came running when I have needed you or been there for a hug or just gave me the confidence to smile, thank you for putting up with me when you properly could just hit me and I hope you will always be there for me. Because I will always be there for you no matter what. I love you guys and without you this would feel all so much worse.


So be proud of who you are, because no body can be as good as you at YOU.

Thank you blogger <3