you can talk to loads of different people about the way you are feeling but still feel the same. you can go over the same thing in your head for three days straight but still feel lost and confused. your losing sleep and your stomache hurts.. you feel like you could be sick, but you dont want to. you can cry but it still hurts. but you cant escape the crying. you feel like just sleeping for weeks.. because your so exhausted of whats happening. you dont like the feeling and you want to get away. nothing you do.. makes anything better, the things you thought would reassure you, dont. some people are there for you.. they really try to help others the ones you expect to be there.. act like they've just had enough of you. i'm scared, i'm nervous, i'm angry, i am fed up. i dont want it to end, but my head keeps telling me different. that each day is closer to me losing you. i know your fed up with me.. but i just wish you would just stop dragging me a lone and just let go. because i am hurting and all i wanna do is escape. i just wanna keep running and running and never stop. people tell me none of this is my fault.. but i cant help but think it is. why would it happen so many times for it not to be my fault, surely i am doing something wrong somewhere. always the people closest to me. tbh the half term is meant to make you feel better get to see people and rest.. but mine always end up being half:) & half :( i dont like showing me sad.. because tbh who likes being sad? cant say i do.. its not nice to see your friend upset, you just wanna pick them up and put them back on their feet. so i try my best to not get upset in front of friends i try my best to hide it, to make it easier. not just for me but for them.

walking along a road, long, bumpy, dangerous, scary but all meant to be worth it. beat your fears, do the unthinkable and be who you want to be, looking at it the second way sounds incredible.. but when you step back and take a look at real life it aint that easy. i suppose if you have the people then it makes it easier.. but when the people turn on you thats when it becomes hard, or should i say harder. i dont really feel like trying anymore these past 4 days i have felt even more drained then i did when i was at school, i would say i need a break but i have just finished my half term.. maybe keeping busy is better for me? i dunno anymore. but i cant take it. i dont have anything to write anymore because all i do is write the same stuff over & over in a different way.. i have so many questions but no answers, so many worries so many fears, that everything seems so hard. evening being me.. the only thing that keeps me going is putting a smile on someones face, watching them laugh at me with me.. either, my mum and dad are planning a weekend away soon, i kind of feel like deleting every contact i have with anyone, just to start fresh and to see if i am worth anything to anyone. if i wasnt here would i be missed.. just a girl in the past, someone who you could use, some one you could hurt and you'd feel ok. because you never really let yourself care.





walk. walk away. shut down.