I don't know what to say anymore because I feel like I should put myself on repeat because know matter how many essay's I can send you, no matter how many long talks and girly days out together your still hurting, your still fighting to put on that brave face which I know you have. I never thought being 15 would be this hard.. I suppose when your little you don't really understand anything other then food family presents school and colouring in the lines of a picture. It hurts to read some of the things I have read to know that it wasn't just me feeling this pain which I would never in my life wish on anyone. It hurts knowing I can't do anything because whatever I do is barely touching the surface of helping you. I know your not the only one having your down days either.. why does it have to be you? why do you have to suffer? I don't even care what I go through anymore because right now it's not important to me.. it just isn't. I want YOU to be happy and I want you to smile but mean it not just because you feel you have to.

sitting in a crowd of people feeling so alone, lying in bed and your mind is just tiking over and it's not stopping it doesn't until you look at the clock and it's 3 o'clock, your defence is breaking, your smile is fading and the tears are streaming down your face and you look in your reflection you feel sick to the stomache and then you sit down and curl yourself up, telling yourself this will all go away.. days pass.. weeks pass.. even months and you come back to this place again and it hasn't gone away it only feels worse and you don't understand what's happening to yourself. slowing loosing every reason to try, every reason to live. So you come to this stupid sollution and you think it's going to sort your every problem until you look at reality and realise you couldn't be more wrong. remember those walls you built well there all tumberling down and everythings one big blurr. But your not alone, trust me.. take my hand and I will look after you, i'm no angel but I am your friend and nothing can stop the need of protection I feel I should give you and how much one friend can make a difference, i'm no fresh face, i'm no different to any other person but I promise you... once i'm in your life, I'm always gonna be there.

hello..

well hello blogger.. to be honest i don't really know what i am about to write about but i suppose lets just see what comes up in mind. So whats new in the life of shannon? um nothing.. apart from my lovely christmas presents! oo and i'm now on tumblr.. which is where i like to share my small little thoughts as well as on here of course!:).. http://cookie-monster2010.tumblr.com/ It's the christmas holidays at the moment and i should have done a lot of revision for my two exams coming up! but i am just so exhausted and fed up with the thought of exams i suppose it's pushed me the other way but I am going to push my self to do some at least every other night! AND that is going to be a challenge. What else has been on my mind.. well the thought of a new year! a new beginning.. a chance to move on with my self. i'm sixteen next year, i leave school, i start college, its a big year for me, for me and my friends. it's not going to be easy but i am sure i will get through it! i got through this one didn't i and the one before! Funny how fast time flies when you think about it.. a whole decade has gone by, ten years since i lost my great nan but i can still remember it like yesterday, alots changed since then. I've grown up a lot, things have changed. Christmas for example.. it's not just me mum dad my sisters and my gran and my nan.. its bob bill and the other. No but seriously, it's not like it was. And sometimes i feel being the youngest sister i have to grow up quicker.. which isnt all bad but i do miss having the special christmas's and just being us five.. but it's never us five. when again will it ever just be us, my family that i remember. Yes i complain about them and we don't always get along great but sometimes that's all i really want. But i'm not gonna start getting down about it got enough to worry about then being selfish(: It's weird really how someone like me can be such a ray of sunshine but can be so dark.. sometimes i dont really understand my self but i suppose i like to be a mystery.. i was reading about my star sign on this website .. http://www.exploreastrology.co.uk/PersonalityTraitsTaurus.html & alot of i belive is true.. sorrry i am too lazy to share anymore.. g'night:)

AND another blog.

So I feel like writing you a little blog, after a long last week of school! From Math's quiz's to anylzing poems and playing dodgeball. Well after doing so much anylyzing in the past month of poems & plays, I suppose I have that mind set switched on. Yesterday I got a little present from my friend, we're not like best friends but she has been there for me this year and is one of those people who brighten your day. She got me a little cute candy stick with a home made braclette saying 'JUST BE YOURSELF'



Which to be honest really brightened up my day and then when I go home from school I started thinking what did it mean? Did it mean, just being me is fine don't let anyone else tell you different or did it mean stop trying to be something your not just be yourself. Personally I would hope it's the first one, because one thing I try not to do is be something i'm not. I don't go out drinking at the weekends and smoke with my friends. I have stupid little sleepovers and munch out on rubbish while being exstreamly immature, you could say that's sad you may do the same yourself, but one thing I know is that's what I love to do.

But today my other friend came up to me, one of the people who you talk to in class but not really out of school and she gave me a card and inside the card it said

Don't be afraid to smile,
On life's uncertain way,
It may be the only sunbeam,
In someone's dreary day.

Dont be afraid to smile,
On lifes uneven track,
One little smile from you,
And many are smiling back! :)

So after thinking about my first little present I started to think of the meaning of this little poem she had wrote for me inside the card. She said to me that day, that I was the hardest to write about and I didn't no whether that was good or bad? First of all it made me smile to think me smiling could actually brighten up someone else's day and then it made me think has she seen into me and can she see the saddest behind my smile. Or that I don't smile enough and I should because it's beautiful like a sunbeam and can make a change to someone else's not so perfect day.



But the past few days have been rather awesome.. town, pizza, ice-cream, snow, laughing, face masks, bestfriends, sledging, sleeping, wii, chatting and being a complete fool. Here are just a few pictures ..



me and the gorgeous georgie.. my sexy new hat & my lush cookie monster jumper, oo & don't forget the fit geek glasses.



so it's cutting and blatchford looking mighty fine, we're just a tad nutty, but NOTHING to worry about, honest.



it's the next JEDWARD.. it's chloe and shannon. yes we may be a tad strange but atleast we have fun!:)



professional sledgers for the win!

when you start to miss me, remember i didnt run, i didnt even walk away you let me goo..

don't look at the glass half empty look at it half full!

i miss being with you but at least you cant hold me back now.

no i'm not over you, but no longer am i crying every night for you to be with me.

so i love you, so i'm not over you yet and i still think of you every day with out fail, so you come up in every conversation i have with out thinking about it, so everything you said you didn't really mean, but things change, people move on and people lie and tears never die.

newyear 2009- one to remember.
newyear 2010 - hopefully not just one to remember, but to be a ever lasting unforgetable night.

i sing when i can't, i take pictures when i look silly, i moan when i shouldnt, i'm neggative when i should be possitive, i give advice i dont take, i hate change, i hate smoking, i go bed to late, i eat whatever i want, i get moody over the stupidest things, i love when i should move on.. but one thing i want to do is to live just because i can. so let go, live on and enjoy the moment, because we're so lucky and we never can be grateful enough for it.

tears drop, words echo, hearts break, people fall, lips smile, memory lives, how much do we take and how much do we give.




i would love to say i did this but i didnt its awesome! <3

tears

I'm as delicate as a flower, but as strong as a soldier.
The darkness comes and the streams fall, i am quiet, as quiet as one young girl can be. The music forever plays around my head, words echoing as i sit upon the solid floor. In my head i see a door slam & it locks and I try my best to find the key but it's disappeared and it doesnt want to be found, then I look to the other side and there's a door open with a light shining through, but this door's not fully open only a few centre metres but soon the wind will blow and the door shall open, i am sure. So you can hide it, you can lock it in, but it will find its way out.. trust me it will.

off to read my book 'just listen'

night night bloggger!

Walking up my hill, thinking as I go, the past, the present, the future. I miss so many things but I know there my past, I am scared of so many things but I know it’s my future, but the present you can't miss it, you can't be really scared of it because it’s always happening, it’s not like you can pause your life just before someone dumps you, just before someone walks out on you.. so I don't know what I think about it, I’ve been feeling the urge to write a blog recently but been putting it off because well I don't know what I really want to say, do I rant on about how things aren’t perfect, do I go on about my wants and hopes and I suppose this blog is a bit of both but I suppose I’m not bothered by it. when I walk up my hill different things go through my head, but today I looked into a memory, a memory of a person, who I miss and who I can't ever see again. Then I thought of someone else, someone who could see, but the feeling of missing them feels the same. I've lost this person and I can’t get it out of my head. When you lose someone completely, when they finally leave you for that place we call heaven you feel lost and it just feels like you haven’t seen them not that its actually impossible to see them and with you I feel the same, I know it sounds stupid but it's true... one thing i know is that when i was with you i felt important, i felt wanted and now too you i'm not, i'm not the person you'd care about if i lived on the other side of the world, or if i broke down into tears, because you wouldnt even know because we don't talk. Do you even know how badly I want to talk to you, to run up to you and say I miss you, to hug you and just not let go, but that's not going to happened it couldn’t. A month's passed, yes I am that sad to count... and well i feel the same as i did when i first felt this way for you. I don’t want the hugs and talks of its going to be ok or chin up there’s plenty more fish in the sea, because there could be a billion other people but not another you, no one would understand the little jokes we had together because there not me or you. It's silly really how I am so caught up on you, it was like I said yesterday I was reading my diary about my ex and how I said I could never get over him.. But I did, we're not very close but I’m over him but me and you, we were just different. I don't regret it, I just sometimes wish I could be friends with you, without this hurt I’m feeling.

Sometimes people look at me and they think they understand me but to me I feel they don't they don't know what’s been through my mind? No one really knows you do they? Why do we as people not like people thinking they know us? What is it that we have against it? Is it we prefer to be a mystery, to have the option to change, because life is just one big changing opportunity? No one can stop you from being like one thing one day and totally different the next. No one has control over you. I, myself, like to think of myself as someone’s whose kind, funny and unique but also can be extremely sensitive and my moods can change from the tiniest thing being as sensitive as I am. I try my hardest to make every opportunity I have work, I hate liars, I hate people who look down on others but most of all I hate hurting the people around me or seeing them hurt. There's nothing you can do but sit there and just keep trying giving the best advice you have, which most of the time you don't even take yourself. You sit there and you look at them wanting to hurt the person who hurt them, wanting to make their dreams come true, but you can't and it frustrates you, and you don't want them to feel bad for you, you don't want to dump your stupid problems on them, when they’re going through a time where they feel like giving up. This year I’ve learnt a lot from myself, I hate taking risks and I hate being out of control being why I don’t like taking risks, I’ve found how emotionally depressing I can get but I’ve found someone inside me who is strong and can take on whatever is thrown at her, someone who can hurt but someone who doesn't want to put their self first.

This year is coming to a end and I don’t know what to think, I have met someone so amazing at the start of this year to lose them, I’ve lost some best friends who I thought I couldn’t live without, I’ve lost someone who I thought would always be there who I thought was strong enough to get through it but I’ve had some laughs, I’ve had some amazing times when I’ve been so happy I have just buzzed around the room and couldn't stop smiling, I’ve been on holiday with my best friend, I had a boy who treated me amazingly who made me smile by just being with them, I’ve had my best friend come running when I’ve been in tears, I’ve had my best friend listen to me go on and on when surely they would just rather me shut up, I’ve done the most stupid things and I suppose that’s life. One big bundle of advents. I am looking forward to next year, but I am scared as well, I finish school, I start college, I turn 16, I finish my gcse's but why be scared? If I make each day worth it, see the good in the bad and be myself, what more can I do?

lyrics
I saw us break, I watched us fall, it made no sense to me at all, you say you will but then you don’t, so I’m gonna take this step alone. - the words state how I feel, I know it’s over now and I know you don't want to know anymore, so I’m going to take this step, this step alone, this step to move forward.



I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

He was my best friend, I tried to help him
But he traded everything for suffering
And found himself alone - I know it’s over but I still miss you it’s not the same, our friendship isn’t what it was.

Basically all I want to do is be able to cope about my past, to look back and laugh, not to look back and cry, 2010- a year which can't be forgotten for the good and the bad. Each day a new page, a choice, a chance to make a change.

But one thing I should mention is friends have played a big part this year and I’m sorry I’m not the amazing friend I wish I could be but thank you for being there and whenever you need a Shannon like me I will be there, through whatever.

lost would be not knowing where you are, i know where i am, i just hate it here and i hate what it does to me.



Weeks can pass but you can still wonder why? Taking day by day as they come, you’re stuck in this frame of mind and you’re trying everything to get pass it to fight it.

I'm just a girl, with lots of fears, so little time and bundles of tears.

Too strong, to give up. Havn't seen the end of me.