Walking up my hill, thinking as I go, the past, the present, the future. I miss so many things but I know there my past, I am scared of so many things but I know it’s my future, but the present you can't miss it, you can't be really scared of it because it’s always happening, it’s not like you can pause your life just before someone dumps you, just before someone walks out on you.. so I don't know what I think about it, I’ve been feeling the urge to write a blog recently but been putting it off because well I don't know what I really want to say, do I rant on about how things aren’t perfect, do I go on about my wants and hopes and I suppose this blog is a bit of both but I suppose I’m not bothered by it. when I walk up my hill different things go through my head, but today I looked into a memory, a memory of a person, who I miss and who I can't ever see again. Then I thought of someone else, someone who could see, but the feeling of missing them feels the same. I've lost this person and I can’t get it out of my head. When you lose someone completely, when they finally leave you for that place we call heaven you feel lost and it just feels like you haven’t seen them not that its actually impossible to see them and with you I feel the same, I know it sounds stupid but it's true... one thing i know is that when i was with you i felt important, i felt wanted and now too you i'm not, i'm not the person you'd care about if i lived on the other side of the world, or if i broke down into tears, because you wouldnt even know because we don't talk. Do you even know how badly I want to talk to you, to run up to you and say I miss you, to hug you and just not let go, but that's not going to happened it couldn’t. A month's passed, yes I am that sad to count... and well i feel the same as i did when i first felt this way for you. I don’t want the hugs and talks of its going to be ok or chin up there’s plenty more fish in the sea, because there could be a billion other people but not another you, no one would understand the little jokes we had together because there not me or you. It's silly really how I am so caught up on you, it was like I said yesterday I was reading my diary about my ex and how I said I could never get over him.. But I did, we're not very close but I’m over him but me and you, we were just different. I don't regret it, I just sometimes wish I could be friends with you, without this hurt I’m feeling.

Sometimes people look at me and they think they understand me but to me I feel they don't they don't know what’s been through my mind? No one really knows you do they? Why do we as people not like people thinking they know us? What is it that we have against it? Is it we prefer to be a mystery, to have the option to change, because life is just one big changing opportunity? No one can stop you from being like one thing one day and totally different the next. No one has control over you. I, myself, like to think of myself as someone’s whose kind, funny and unique but also can be extremely sensitive and my moods can change from the tiniest thing being as sensitive as I am. I try my hardest to make every opportunity I have work, I hate liars, I hate people who look down on others but most of all I hate hurting the people around me or seeing them hurt. There's nothing you can do but sit there and just keep trying giving the best advice you have, which most of the time you don't even take yourself. You sit there and you look at them wanting to hurt the person who hurt them, wanting to make their dreams come true, but you can't and it frustrates you, and you don't want them to feel bad for you, you don't want to dump your stupid problems on them, when they’re going through a time where they feel like giving up. This year I’ve learnt a lot from myself, I hate taking risks and I hate being out of control being why I don’t like taking risks, I’ve found how emotionally depressing I can get but I’ve found someone inside me who is strong and can take on whatever is thrown at her, someone who can hurt but someone who doesn't want to put their self first.

This year is coming to a end and I don’t know what to think, I have met someone so amazing at the start of this year to lose them, I’ve lost some best friends who I thought I couldn’t live without, I’ve lost someone who I thought would always be there who I thought was strong enough to get through it but I’ve had some laughs, I’ve had some amazing times when I’ve been so happy I have just buzzed around the room and couldn't stop smiling, I’ve been on holiday with my best friend, I had a boy who treated me amazingly who made me smile by just being with them, I’ve had my best friend come running when I’ve been in tears, I’ve had my best friend listen to me go on and on when surely they would just rather me shut up, I’ve done the most stupid things and I suppose that’s life. One big bundle of advents. I am looking forward to next year, but I am scared as well, I finish school, I start college, I turn 16, I finish my gcse's but why be scared? If I make each day worth it, see the good in the bad and be myself, what more can I do?

lyrics
I saw us break, I watched us fall, it made no sense to me at all, you say you will but then you don’t, so I’m gonna take this step alone. - the words state how I feel, I know it’s over now and I know you don't want to know anymore, so I’m going to take this step, this step alone, this step to move forward.



I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

He was my best friend, I tried to help him
But he traded everything for suffering
And found himself alone - I know it’s over but I still miss you it’s not the same, our friendship isn’t what it was.

Basically all I want to do is be able to cope about my past, to look back and laugh, not to look back and cry, 2010- a year which can't be forgotten for the good and the bad. Each day a new page, a choice, a chance to make a change.

But one thing I should mention is friends have played a big part this year and I’m sorry I’m not the amazing friend I wish I could be but thank you for being there and whenever you need a Shannon like me I will be there, through whatever.

lost would be not knowing where you are, i know where i am, i just hate it here and i hate what it does to me.



Weeks can pass but you can still wonder why? Taking day by day as they come, you’re stuck in this frame of mind and you’re trying everything to get pass it to fight it.

I'm just a girl, with lots of fears, so little time and bundles of tears.

Too strong, to give up. Havn't seen the end of me.