Positivity

Some people see the glass half full, others see the glass half empty. Some people say we're half way there, others say we still have half way to go. Optimistic Vs pessimistic; two very different approaches to every day life. It's a rare but magnificent talent to see the good in all, to always see that bright side of life. I, myself find this hard. I'm quite a negative person at times or where talking about myself is involved. I find it easier to say my ten flaws instead of my five attributes. But then again don't we all? Par the small few who have been up their own bottom since birth and have never seen day light in their whole small minded lives. But it's better to have the best of both. No one likes someone who is so over confident that they can't even fit through a door but then no one likes someone who just hides in the shadows and shows no confidence, no personality.

But to find confidence you need people to believe in you, you need people to have faith in you, maybe even admire you a little. My driving instructor is always banging on at me to have a little more confidence in my own decisions, a little more confidence in my own ability. Anyway to get to the point.. I took my theory today at 3. I woke up at 9 and revised from that point onwards passing 47/50 45/50 but still nervous because in the pit of my stomach I still had doubt, I still had doubt in myself that I'd fail and I suppose I lived up to it. One shitty question wrong was the thing between me passing and failing, between 31 pound and 62 pound, between passing my driving test sooner and having to wait. I would have done anything today to just have changed that one question to make the difference, but it was too late. Gutting was not the word to express how I felt. Like my mum and sister said I could have walked in again a hour later, had different questions and pass with flying colours. Today wasn't my day. I actually felt a little embarrassed and ashamed when I walked out the doors knowing i'd failed. But I think now why should I make myself feel like that, why did I deserve to feel embarrassed and ashamed. The real answer is I didn't. At the end of the day I failed and be it all of one mark there wasn't a lot I could do but walk out and try again next time. So as the saying goes.. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. So here is to next time, more faith and more confidence. Good night. xox

What happens next

So today was the day I collected my AS results. Did I think I was going to do shit, yes. Did I think I'd end up crying, yes. But for once something kinda went my way. So I didn't do amazing, no A's but one B! And yes I did fail a subject. But that doesn't matter and you'll soon see why. I got a U in philosophy; an E in the retake and a U in the second exam, if i'm honest with you I didn't even think i'd get a grade in either. With something like a 70% fail rate, I didn't have a lot going for me. Loved the lesson, hated the exams. But definitely not the end of the world, I don't want to take it next year but it was a experience anyhow. Next was the almighty Psychology results which to say the least was what I was most worried about if I didn't get higher than a D I'd have no hope in taking it next year and then what the hell would I do with myself. But it's fine, I scraped in with a D. But got a B on my retake - which made me very happy! But let myself down in the second exam with a E. So retake that next year and boost the grade up is the plan. Then I got C in English language which I was content with and a B in Graphics to top it off. So what happens next year, well I will hopefully get accepted and finish of English, Graphics & Psychology at A2 and get into Uni is the plan. I want to work hard this year, no fuckin' around. So right now I'm saving for a Macbook Pro which will help with my studies especially graphics and hopefully will be everything I need to succeed. Also I have booked my theory test so I just want to revise like a bitch and pass first time! Being optimistic is helping me, just need to keep my head held high and I'll be alright!

How to think, what to do.

August 12th 2012, 4 days until I get my results. I don't know what to think or how to act to the build up until opening that envelope only to what I think will not be what I want to see. It's difficult because I know it's too late to change it and I know I did what I could at the time; I know I was scared before my exams, full of nerves. I know I didn't do my best and I wish I just pushed my self from the start. By the time I wanted things to change it was too late for me to turn things around. I want to actually enjoy next year and make the most of what could be my final year of college where I still have some kind of support barrier. I need to kill the nerves and just accept what will be, will be. But it's not that easy. These results determine what happens for me next year, if I don't get on A2 Psychology wtf will I do. Do I start it again? Only maybe to fail again if I don't pull my weight. Or is it not for me? I suppose writing this I wanted to ease myself, let it out and hopefully feel better. But I don't. Recently I've felt quite neutral to everything, I don't feel happy nor sad. I don't like it though, I was to feel happy, I want to worry less. I've worked a lot these summer holidays just trying to save so maybe just maybe it would make me worry less about money. ASDFGH. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Changing the subject all together, you have kind of annoyed me just letting it come back into your life, being nice to it, after they were so horrible and sly. But they have that power, I suppose you feel you just have to but they don't deserve you, they don't deserve anyone at the moment. They need to know what it feels like to be pushed aside, ignored, led on, crushed, mind fucked, they need to understand what kind of person they are. And what they've done isn't right and they shouldn't do it again. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Anyway I'm going Bristol with my Chloe tomorrow and I am very excited a bit of retail therapy is always nice, not even going to think about college, results, work, males or any other shit that just gets me down. Just going to enjoy the day and do what the hell I like. I have work at half 2 today until 6 so it isn't too bad only 3 1/2 hours! Lets just hope it flies by. Now it's time to pack my bag, wrap Tessa's presents and listen to some music. WOOO. Fxck people.