time

tick tick tick..



every second, every minute, every hour each day a part of my life passes.

each day a step on the path of my life. some days i feel like i've got lost walked into the dark woods alone. not knowing where i am going then suddenly a light will shine & i will see the path again in which i follow. these are the times of which i am happy and smileing the dark times are when i am sad and feel alone. in life you can be surrounded with people who say they love & care for you but still can feel alone.

when i'm alone i will see all the faults in my self. all the things that could be better some could say i am very pestimistic. i see the glass half empty not half full. i am a senstive person, so if something that someones says gets to me you'll know about it. i will most likely go quiet & say i'm fine but really quite upset & a lot of people notice this as most of the time i am a loud person who just doesn't shut up.

so i find it hard loosing people, who doesnt? but why does it always seem to sit on my mind.. why does it constantly upset me, people come in & out of your life everyday so why do i hold on to it so hard. why do i let my self get so deep. so i get it in to my head you dont care? well i guess you havnt for a while, have you?:/ & it hurts, so bad.

----

so i was browsing on facebook as i have nothing better to do & i saw a group i liked it. then i thought wow.. look how many people feel this way. i'm not alone, we're all human & we all feel hurt. but tbh i would just like it to stop, but it won't. just wanna be in my own world & just dream my life away. it seems so easy, so simple. right now the facebook group i looked at says depressed? ear phones in.. volume up, ignore the world. how i feel.



so returning to the title of this blog, basically i have one year left of school and like i said in my last blog i am scared of things which are out of my control & this is just one of those things. i want it to end because theres so much hurt & stress which comes from it but then i dont because theres the laughs the smiles, the people i care about so much. that sometimes i dont think they even realise that with out them i wouldnt be where i am. the time just keeps ticking by & i am loosing myself in it, slowly but surely.

but i wont give up, i just want this pain to stop. the feeling of something missing.

soo thats another blog done another day passed. thank you blogspot for listening to my crap:D

where to begin

Where do you begin to explain ones feelings, how do you explain all the thoughts in your head when you feel like theres so many. So right now i am meant to be practising for drama i have 47 lines to learn & i have learnt roughly 20 if that & some of them i have to read the first few words for me to remember the line. its been 1 month since i have been of school and what have i done with my self, nothing.. well thats what it feels like:/ late nights, lay ins, junk food, lazyness, all come to mind.

Summer holidays; so you plan it all out hot days, lay ins, long days, beach, town, laughing, smileing, partys, drinking, walking, sleep overs, lazy days, late nights.. all sounds perfect doesnt it.. well why doesnt it ever go to plan. apart from the late nights which make you feel rubbish so you stay in bed.. then half the days gone? makes sence.. um i dont think so.

But then you get yourself stuck in this pattern, this routine which you cant get out of, you try push yourself but it doesnt work, your still left, feeling crap. Then your left trying to get to asleep at 3'oclock in the morning, lying there, thinking, things going round and around your head. mainly questions and ambitions. like why did this happen, i really want to do this.. So each night you do the same thing you get in bed, and you lye there. maybe put the tv on or listen to music. but whatever you do it always ends up relating back to your thoughts, something triggering it off.

One thought that was going through my head last night was my GCSE results which i got today & i was right to worry obviously:/ so i was walking to school today with two of my best friends, one who was absolutly Sh*tting it, other not so, just trying to keep calm, but myself had already done this same thing last year for maths as i am in extended set, which tbh i dont even no why but i'm not gonna go into that just yet. Yeah i was nervous too but i tried to hide it because i know it doesnt help others & tbh i did as best as i could. So i came out with a C in biololigy, C in Physics & a E in Chemistry & a B in my Cw for Science, how did that work out?:/ I revised so hard because tbh i didnt want this feeling to happen, the feeling of people being dissapointed in me, or saying dw you did 'ok', its like well maybe i didnt wanna do 'ok' maybe i wanted to do great but it wasnt even that, it was that i NEEDED this to take the course i wanted to take in college, to do what i wanted to do in life & thats when it hits you hard & it hurts. My teacher is crap, i am the only person in my class doing higher tier, yeah i am with my best friend & i love her to bits.. but would be nice if i had the help i needed & well i feel i deserve. But noo.. i have her again next year for Enviromental Land Based Science, which i am aiming high for as it seems quite easy & its all cw. But still means extra science after school.. i just wanted it done yanno:/ out the way so i didnt have the added stress. Then i got B in ethics which well i guess i was happy with but i was aimed a A:/ & i kinda just wanted to be like YES i got that A i wanted. Then i went down the page to see my graphics, i tried to not expect that good because i knew i found the test hard & i didnt wanna stress my self out .. & i looked down to see a F.. i just stood :| wanted to just scream, cause i got a A* in my class, but the F brung it down to a C, which yeah isnt bad but my predicted grade was a A. So yeah you may read this thinking wow what an ungreatful cow, but when your expected all these good grades and you dont get them, you worry that people will think you didnt try, that you didnt care. now adays everythings so set on what you get in school, that the pressure just builds on you

And as i didnt feel bad enough.. after that i had the dentist. one of the places i just hate, i dont feel no why i hate it i just do, and theres no way about it. Today i had a new dentist she was nicer then my old one yes:/ but.. i have to have a stupid filling. This all sounds so stupid now after i have typed it all down but at the time i just felt so stupid, so idiotic. I just began to cry.. that emotion seems to come up alot really, sadness.



Problem.. after problem, thats what life feels like. one FAT problem after the other, another reason to cry, another reason to scream, but each problem actually quite small but they all esculate into something else, something bigger. Every blog i write each say, how i want to be happy, be free, how its going to start happening but do i every write about how any of it has happened.

When you see me i genuinely come across as a happy, out-going, smiley, loud person, but why do i alway find myself thinking how i am none of this most of the time.

I was over my friends house the other day and strangely but cooly she has a climbing wall in her house:L & i was like WOW can i have a go(A) so she strapped me all up & i began to climb, its not very high but i found my self feeling scared, as i felt this i said to her i did tell you i has a phobia of heights and she was like no:L but i was there holding on & i just didnt want to let go even though i was strapped up & if i did i would be fine, i was just so scared. so i finally manage to reach the top & get down again, to only to want to do to it again. afterwards we were having one of our normal chats about life & stuff in general & i began to reaslise i wasnt scared of the height, i was scared of being out of control, everything i do in my day to day life, is always done out of me knowing i am in control but when it comes to something where i'm not i lose it, i begin to break. These two years havnt been good for loosing people/living things. & i think i know why i dont cope well, because i dont like change which is out of my control.

--break--

change, it hurts.

the little things

sooo.. you could say i am blog obsessed, just writing blog after blog probably none of them even making sence to you unless you know me, but this is somewhere i come to get all my feelings out so sorry if i babble on a bit too much.

well once again i don't no where to start.. so here goes nothing.

change. people. life. one road.
i see life as a one road experience full of different things, mainly people. who may be your friend, your enemy, your relation, the person you love. life is one big journey that i don't think anyone really understands, everyone different, everyone having there different thoughts and feelings. i my self am starting to think of life as a gift. life is full of lots of emotions and can feel like one big rollar coaster. sometimes you can feel like your at the top and nothings going to stop you, but then you can just drop and everything can come crumbling down, some people at this point do something called 'giving up'. which tbh myself i dont no exactly what that is. some people look at life as a battle, because i guess it is, full of lots of tasks, others dont actually care, they just do what they like when they like. what ever the consequences.

rollar coaster; slow going up, fast going down, hiddnen turns and loops.
life, slow going up but when your down it hits you fast, full of surprises and twists.

..... had a little break ....

so where am i going with this blog, to be honest with you i don't no. just trying to make all these thoughts in my head make sence. i just wish i understood my self and the people around me, because what am i doing so wrong?

loosing someone completely is hard enough. loosing people who are still here, is harder because it never ends and you always blame yourself.

your not who i thought you once were, why can't i just get over it. why do i remain to look back.. on the past. its just on going.. every day the same thoughts go around my head, what if i did this? what if? what IF? i care about you and i probably always will, but i can't just let this take over me and how i feel.



memories can last a life time, but sometimes the people you share those memories with don't.

so today was kind of my new start, but really is it? well we will see, i just want to focus on the important ones & my self & just making this last year of school worth remembering, it would be silly to waste it on being angry and upset. i want to make this change work. to be the person telling everyone to smile again, not the person being told. to laugh so much it hurts and not to wish i could. to be dancing along the road listening to my music, how silly i may look. to take this gift i have been given and live it to the full.



when you sit alone, you get time to think, about the ways you feel,
sometimes the thoughts that go through your head can seem so unreal,

the thoughts about how that some people are no longer here,
then you see the memories in your mind so bright and clear,

i try to be brave and smile and not cry,
because sometimes in life its good to say good bye,

so that people are put out out of pain,
and can feel happy once again,

its ok to feel hurt when you lose someone close,
this is a feeling at the moment i feel the most,

but i am building that bridge to get my self back up,
to smile until my hearts content till you have all had enough,

so watch me smile, watch me laugh, watch me get through the days following this path.

FINIIIIIIISHED after 4 hours or more:L sorry if its bad[a]


shaannnnnnnon(STEVIE)

hey baby's.
this blog is dedicated to my best friend, tessa.
just one. sound.
RAD.i'm a doughnut.

the beauty in friendship.

i was browsing through two old friends from first school's pictures today & i just thought wow beautiful the people and the friendship.



its amazing how much a picture can hold the memories, the laughs the tears the smiles the fears. all in that one image.
personally i love looking through pictures while listening to music so relaxing and it makes you smile but ... yes but.. always a but..
some make you sad and cry.



friendship is a bridge into each others hearts & heads, an insight of someones feelings & fears.
a friend is someones whos there for you when you hit rock bottom a friend is someone who makes you laugh with out even trying. who knows what you love & what you hate. there not just there for a day, a real friend is there for a life time.



hehe. <3
sometimes me & my friends talk about being old & how we want to stay in contact till we are in our zimmer frames & have a walking stick at hand & this picture just made me think of it.

friends are like bras, close to the heart and there for support.

very true quotes.

boys are whatever, friends are forever.

my friends;

shes small, shes funny, shes pretty, shes a food lover, shes someone i can always count on shes my best friend asha.

shes gorgeous, shes unqiue, shes strange, shes my sister, shes my star in the sky shes my best friend tessa.

shes blonde, shes hilarious, shes smart, shes sporty, she always listens and shes my amazing friend georgia.

shes different, shes funky, shes loyal, shes clever, shes strong minded and my special friend georgie.

shes my bra, shes my bf, shes my pandaaaa, shes my gentle, friendly, native chloe.

hes funny, hes caring, hes huggable, hes loveable, hes his failish self and hes all mine, luke.

hes G, hes lovely, hes caring, hes got a music taste;] hes my far away raver bestest chris wilkes.

hes friendly, hes sweet, hes loving, hes understanding, hes the one you can always count on to send you a text which makes you smile a gizziolion amounts, hes my friend woody.

hes sweet, hes caring, hes a bully;] hes someone who you can talk to for forever & day, hes my curly haired friend jack.

hes straight, hes standard, hes random, hes crazy, hes my beautiful blue eyed, better looking then me thomas jeffery.

hes tall, hes trustworthy, hes kind, hes easy going, hes my scratch card buddy & my generous, lewis.

hes smart, hes funny, hes easy to get along with, hes kind, hes a technolllgy boffin;] hes my friendling alex.

hes fat, hes blonde, hes cheerful, hes sarcastic, hes huggablee not so loveable;] friends boyfriends my husband;] paul handy.

you can know a billion people but only ever have a few true friends.

they guide me through my darkest days, they laugh at me when i act a total doughnut, they lift me up when i hit my hardest falls, they love me for who i am, these people deserve the best in life, they're my best friends.

take life in each seperate stride and promise me you will live it too the full. because each moment you live is the only moment you know you defiantly will have.

dedicated to my bestfriends.

realisation.

ok this is only going to be a small blog but just needed to get it out.

10-7-10 the day you were took, seems only like yesterday, the day wasnt going well as it was, broke my friends camera & then some little bitch decided it would be fine to just come up & grab her by the neck well.. while i just sat there. what an idiot right, let your best friend get grabbed by some physco. hmm. i'm sorry. i just didnt no what to do.. but then to come back to that. i just couldnt understand it, the tears werent just streams they were waterfalls, my legs shook like a earth quake, my face red with fear and anger, how could he not be here anymore is all i could think, how could this be happening. WHY. is the question that kept occurring. to get the answer i dont no i just dont no.

but as i sat in the ceremony for my final good bye, the tears came back. the man who spoke, read a poem out saying everytime you feel like your going to cry for me dont, smile for me & remember all the memories we shared. but as i cried i smiled, i looked to my right to see my sister crying as i looked to my left my mum & dad, he sat there not moving just staring to the right where the coffin lay. no tears ran down his face not a drop, but as we drove to the wake, going over the memories, it began to sink in, his tears began to run. each memory you look over can make you smile but feel sadness in the loss. its strange knowing you cant see someone ever again, when it feels like only yesterday you saw them. its already 2-8-10 the date also rings a bell. sheba cutting, yes a cat. but to me my friend, when i was little, i thought i was different. i used to tell her everything and she was the only person i felt i could talk to & when her & patchie left me. i felt alone. 2-8-05 rip sheba i miss you.

missing some one can happen even if its years apart to hours or minutes. but i think i rather miss someone who is still here then someone who can never come back. i have come to realise that even when someone is not here with you, there up with you & always will, its not the years in your life, its the life in your years.

Leigh
Patchie
Jackie
Jamie
Auntie Joyce
Ozzy
Sheba
RIP <3