Summer holidays; so you plan it all out hot days, lay ins, long days, beach, town, laughing, smileing, partys, drinking, walking, sleep overs, lazy days, late nights.. all sounds perfect doesnt it.. well why doesnt it ever go to plan. apart from the late nights which make you feel rubbish so you stay in bed.. then half the days gone? makes sence.. um i dont think so.
But then you get yourself stuck in this pattern, this routine which you cant get out of, you try push yourself but it doesnt work, your still left, feeling crap. Then your left trying to get to asleep at 3'oclock in the morning, lying there, thinking, things going round and around your head. mainly questions and ambitions. like why did this happen, i really want to do this.. So each night you do the same thing you get in bed, and you lye there. maybe put the tv on or listen to music. but whatever you do it always ends up relating back to your thoughts, something triggering it off.
One thought that was going through my head last night was my GCSE results which i got today & i was right to worry obviously:/ so i was walking to school today with two of my best friends, one who was absolutly Sh*tting it, other not so, just trying to keep calm, but myself had already done this same thing last year for maths as i am in extended set, which tbh i dont even no why but i'm not gonna go into that just yet. Yeah i was nervous too but i tried to hide it because i know it doesnt help others & tbh i did as best as i could. So i came out with a C in biololigy, C in Physics & a E in Chemistry & a B in my Cw for Science, how did that work out?:/ I revised so hard because tbh i didnt want this feeling to happen, the feeling of people being dissapointed in me, or saying dw you did 'ok', its like well maybe i didnt wanna do 'ok' maybe i wanted to do great but it wasnt even that, it was that i NEEDED this to take the course i wanted to take in college, to do what i wanted to do in life & thats when it hits you hard & it hurts. My teacher is crap, i am the only person in my class doing higher tier, yeah i am with my best friend & i love her to bits.. but would be nice if i had the help i needed & well i feel i deserve. But noo.. i have her again next year for Enviromental Land Based Science, which i am aiming high for as it seems quite easy & its all cw. But still means extra science after school.. i just wanted it done yanno:/ out the way so i didnt have the added stress. Then i got B in ethics which well i guess i was happy with but i was aimed a A:/ & i kinda just wanted to be like YES i got that A i wanted. Then i went down the page to see my graphics, i tried to not expect that good because i knew i found the test hard & i didnt wanna stress my self out .. & i looked down to see a F..
i just stood :| wanted to just scream, cause i got a A* in my class, but the F brung it down to a C, which yeah isnt bad but my predicted grade was a A. So yeah you may read this thinking wow what an ungreatful cow, but when your expected all these good grades and you dont get them, you worry that people will think you didnt try, that you didnt care. now adays everythings so set on what you get in school, that the pressure just builds on youAnd as i didnt feel bad enough.. after that i had the dentist. one of the places i just hate, i dont feel no why i hate it i just do, and theres no way about it. Today i had a new dentist she was nicer then my old one yes:/ but.. i have to have a stupid filling. This all sounds so stupid now after i have typed it all down but at the time i just felt so stupid, so idiotic. I just began to cry.. that emotion seems to come up alot really, sadness.
Problem.. after problem, thats what life feels like. one FAT problem after the other, another reason to cry, another reason to scream, but each problem actually quite small but they all esculate into something else, something bigger. Every blog i write each say, how i want to be happy, be free, how its going to start happening but do i every write about how any of it has happened.
When you see me i genuinely come across as a happy, out-going, smiley, loud person, but why do i alway find myself thinking how i am none of this most of the time.
I was over my friends house the other day and strangely but cooly she has a climbing wall in her house:L & i was like WOW can i have a go(A) so she strapped me all up & i began to climb, its not very high but i found my self feeling scared, as i felt this i said to her i did tell you i has a phobia of heights and she was like no:L but i was there holding on & i just didnt want to let go even though i was strapped up & if i did i would be fine, i was just so scared. so i finally manage to reach the top & get down again, to only to want to do to it again. afterwards we were having one of our normal chats about life & stuff in general & i began to reaslise i wasnt scared of the height, i was scared of being out of control, everything i do in my day to day life, is always done out of me knowing i am in control but when it comes to something where i'm not i lose it, i begin to break. These two years havnt been good for loosing people/living things. & i think i know why i dont cope well, because i dont like change which is out of my control.
--break--
change, it hurts.
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