EXAMS.

pooing myself for these exams, I don't even know why college think it's a good idea that after roughly two months of learning about a ENTIRELY new subject exams would be a good idea ESPECIALLY making us revise in the christmas holidays. It's not even a start of a good idea, it's the shittest idea yet. RANT OVER.

New year is edging closer

So here is a little phrase I want to remember for the new year.

you cannot erase the past; you must let it go. you cannot change yesterday; you must accept the lessons learnt.

Today didn't start well.

So today didn't start to well.. I was meant to wake up at half six as I had a timed psychology essay to prepare for today & had no time to prepare for it & when I did start preparing last night I was looking at the wrong topic! fail. Soo.. setting my alarm for half six hoping that would give me enough time to get a load of knowledge into my skull. BUT no. My silly phone said it was Sunday & my alarm was for a week alarm-.- So I wasn't going to be awakened at half six at all. Waking up seven times through the night, not once did I realize that my phone was saying the wrong day. Well in the end I didn't get out of bed until twenty past seven, got up, showered etc and was out the door for twenty to nine, because my daddy gave me a lift! So the day went on, got the essay out the way.. philosophy wasn't too bad! And I got five marks of a A in my graphics! Got to netball performed my activities & since I've been sat trying to relax and prepare myself for tomorrow! Worrying about the most silliest of things, like normal. But hopefully fingers crossed all goes well.

The year's nearly over

The years nearly over, the year that i'd been fretting about for months, the year where I had to grow up, earn my own money, leave school and finish all my exams. So where has this crazy year gone? It's November 30th and I do not have a clue where the past eleven months have gone. As I get older the years seem to pass quicker, I didn't want to leave school, but it's too late late, I've left and I have moved on.

So why am I writing? To be honest I don't know myself, maybe it's because I know I've got so much to do but so little time and just writing will let me escape but it won't make my timed essay disappear or my assessment on Saturday or all the graphics I have to finish or everything else. I have the time just not the motivation. As Aristotle says the

key to life is happiness

, so in reality this little bit of motivation could make me have more sustainable happiness but it's never that easy. I'm happier then I was at the start of this year, not knowing where to turn or what to do, crying night after night, just blaming myself. I don't do that anymore, because I know it was silly, I know it wasn't helping. Things changed.

I'm an auntie now, I have a five day year old niece, who is just beautiful! I love her to pieces already and she hasn't even been in the world that long. I want her to live a happy life! I know there will be bumps in the road but I want her to be Eudaimonia

So it's time for a long blog. But why do I share my feelings with a website? Why don't I actually talk to someone, something with feelings and a mind, something which can understand me, help me, guide me. A person. I suppose no one is ever enough and you just don't want to dump your entire mind on someone else, because that's what it is. It's the thoughts going around your head, your problems, worries, fears, hopes and dreams. They either give you the ohh ok:/ or the don't worry it'll be ok, i'm here or the think about the people who are worse off and don't get me wrong they are some of the ways I react to people. It is hard when people are upset, but I like listening, I like helping, it just hurts when you know your not helping, you know there not feeling any better and that you haven't made a difference. Sometimes it is hard to reply to some one though when they've told you exams are getting to them or someones just died or there boyfriends acting a prick.. we're all human at the end of the day, we don't expect each other to have the perfect answers, we just expect people to be there, for a hug, for a laugh, to help us look on the positive side of things.

For example yesterday I spent the day in 'revising' as my mum and dad went to the Devon County Show, but all I did was read three chapters and did a bit of revision for my science. But to cheer me up I went cinema with two of my best friends! Which honestly made me so happy, I don't really know why, but it was nice. And that's the days I like, I don't like the serious 'chats' I like it when people make me laugh when they notice i'm down, not keep "saying whats the matter, you ok? why are you so moody today? surely can't be that bad" It's just so much easier if they just ignore those questions and just go to the straight HUG or make a joke, because then you don't have to lie. Don't have to pretend that you are perfectly fine and that your smile isn't about to break, or you can't even manage to smile. So you just keep your head down, so no one bothers you.

So what to write about. What's on my mind.. well here's a list.
Exams, revision, leaving school, friends, me, family, money, expectations, boys, love, college.

So i've started my exams, i've done three out of nine, confidence level 2/10 .. I know that's what everyone says, but normally when I have 'feelings' about something and they're negative they tend to be right every time. It's just frustrating because you can revise and revise, but if it doesn't come up in the test you are screwed. And that feeling literally sucks. And then the revision runs you down, so you want to relax but you feel like you can't because you need to revise! you need to meet these expectations! The one's your school set, the ones you set, the ones your parents and the college set. And it feels like you're trying but not succeeding. And then you think wow, I just want these exams over.. but that means leaving school. shit. :| i'm not ready. But how much you feel like you are not ready you have to be, because in reality there's no other option, there's no stopping time. It's just go.. go.. go. Then what's next college. Then that's when you really start to say .. shit, because that means leaving friends- even losing some, making new ones, a new place, having to settle in all over again and you don't even know if you'll like the stuff you've chosen. But that's not the only thing your mind.. school plays a big part and seems to link with everything but that isn't just it. There's family and friends and relationships and memories and mistakes and the future. A bit of a blunt end, but damn i'm tired and to lazy to write anymore.

So I'm sitting in my room like I have since tea, at my laptop on my unmade bed, which I should have made hours ago so I could actually sleep in it, but obviously sitting here watching a laptop screen was more interesting for me? not that I see how it could possibley be more interesting.

Why am I such a depressive person, why can't I smile when my friends and family tell me to, why do I lie to my mum and tell her that i'm fine, I suppose it's because what else am I meant to say, my friends 'know' .. well kind of, I don't think I have it in me to tell them it all. What would be the point, nothings changed. And i'm not alone, so someone as weak as me or weaker is not going to be able to help me, it feels hopeless now a days. I sit and watch days pass by, put on this face to go to school, but it still breaks, I still let the pathetic people get to me with there.. "fat ass" or "sweaty hore" or just personal things. but honestly if someone jokes about your friend committing suicide because of you, your not just going to laugh it off, like some cold hearted bitch, are you?

I'm a jealous, heart broken girl, who needs to learn to get back up on her own two feet and not to care what people think of her. But there's so much pressure and well my self esteem is like zero. I can't even pee in someones house, because I think someone will hear or think i'm having a shit and laugh at me, so I let it ruin my night. wtf is wrong with me. I can't go out, without comparing myself to the first person I see. I can't help but look in the mirror and think why do I have to look like this. Why can't I be one those people who don't care.. why am I letting it run my life. Why do I seek this attention, I just feel invisible to everyone else, unimportant, unhelpful and a pointless life. I don't do any good, I don't make anyone smile - not properly. Even my best friends just say i'm moody, I don't want to be.. I don't want to be this selfish human being. But where do I go from here..

But all these days, they feel like they’re the same, Just different faces, different names.

why is it that we block everything out when we can't take it anymore? why is it we lie to people and tell them that we're fine when we're not? we say it's because we don't want people to know, we don't want people to know the truth. but you can't ever hide from the truth, it will only eat a way at your thoughts. so what do i do now, when you won't listen? when all you say is sorry, while a few tears run down my face. what do i do, when you just want to pretend, this all never happened? i have lost too many people and all i can think is i'm going to lose you as well, so please just listen to me. just talk to me, talk to someone. because it's eating away at me, so what if it hurts like hell when you tell me so what? if it keeps you here, then that's all i care about anymore. so let the tears run, let go of it all, move forward, because i want happy memories, not this, not the awkward moments when i see you in the corridor, not the long texts saying sorry. i want the memories full of laughter and smiles, because if you want to support me, then how can you if you can't even support yourself. night blogger. x

hello there blogger.. my little escape route. so i'm a bit down today, been at home all day .. was meant to be at school doing WSLD - whole school learning day, but i just wasnt feeling myself last night, stressing myself out- i just feel exhausted. suppose it's good i'm going on holiday soon.. hopefully it will be good:/ but knowing my luck.. something will go wrong ergh. so right now i should be rewriting my second essay but honestly i just don't want to. i have wrote my first essay did 1 & a half pages then i moved on too this one & i did 2 & a bit.. but still have 6 to go.. & a whole graphic's project to finsh:/ just not my week. And my mum told me earlier that we will have two students in march so that's me kicked out my bedroom for two weeks most likely. least it's money:/ but still. oo & my sisters boyfriend might be moving in. GREAT. also i've been speaking to this dude recently he's proper nice.. but hes my sisters friends ex and hes 20.. so yea the age difference. but honestly nothing would even happen.. i don't even want a boyfriend why does everything always have to cause problems. just nice to have someone different to talk to, just to have a joke.. but his ex gf found out & told my sister.. so she was like why are you talking to him & i was just like honestly cbb for hassle.. so i ain't talking to him anymore, especially after last night. i added a old friend on facebook for his girlfriend to then have a go at me, stupid fucking chav. but i am going london this weekend so that should be good.. but i dunno suppose i just want a lot of things to go away, also hard when your friends get down a lot & theres nothing you can do to really help or when you start to drift from people.. meh cbb to reeally write anymore. just needed to get it down.

just a blog.

Well hello blogger i'm sure you weren't expecting me ay? Well here I am, I said I wouldn't leave you & I keep my promises. Wow here I am sitting at my laptop talking in my head to a laptop, now I don't sound to weird or anything. Ah well:) As normal i'm not to sure what I am going to write about so.. where to start? .. So the conversation that comes up every day of my life. love. people smile because of love. people get angry because of love. people laugh because of love. people cry because of love. people get fustrated because of love. people feel every bleddy emotion there is because of love. But you can't stop yourself.. you can't stop you lips from lifting when the thought of someone you love, loves you back, or puts there arms around your waste, you can't help but cry when you feel that someone doesn't feel the same about you, you can't help but become angry when someone lies about loving you. but why is it this subject means so much to us? is it because we are brought up on fairy tales and with out 'love' we wouldnt be here? is that why love plays such an important part in day to day life. we love our friends, we love our family, we love food and then we love a certain person. Why is it being in love makes one person seem hundred times better than anyone else..? Why is it suddenly they're more important? Why is it you sooner be with them? Why do people leave others behind for one person, who may not even be there in a few months time. So I thought I was in 'love'? It sure felt it at one point and it sure felt like my heart got ripped apart by the end of it. But I also realised I was becoming someone i'm not, a total control freak and my emotions weren't getting any better, but now I feel like i've crossed a storm and have found a straight but bumpy path, at the moment theres no forks in the path just one long path with know other ways. So at this point in time I am just taking day my day on this journey. But soon it's going to get harder.. but I think I have been coping ok. I've been doing a lot of mocks recently mainly english and one in ethics. But friday I have my graphics retake. dun dun dun. I honestly can't begin to explain how under confident I am feeling about it, it's the worst i've ever done in an exam a F. WHY? I revise my ass off for a F. It's just fustrating putting time and effort in for simply nothing. And then on Monday I have my ELBS exam.. which I am not to sure how I feel about that exam..:/ not to nervous but not confident. But one thing I am happy about is my Maths, I retook my number exam late November & got a A* honestly was shaking with happieness so proud of myself but then I got myself worked up over these exams coming up which is just annoying. But I am just going to revise and once again do as good as I can. Ah I just remembered I have a cope project to be in for tomorrow LOVE MY LIFE. I better get that sorted to print tomorrow.. So what else is on my mind? FOOD.. as I am hungry. I had a lush chinese on friday just what I needed except we were all nackered so it didn't really do ourselves any justice. And we ordered way to late. we try have a chill night but we just epically fail nothing ever wants to go to plan for us.. but we always find a way to laugh it off in the end. One thing I am very excited about is PROM:') I got my dress the other day its beautiful let's just hope I look beautiful in it, with my hair & make up done.. fingers crossed. But still I don't even know how I am getting there?-.- I like to be organised because then I don't have to worry. I hate worrying but I do it nearly every second of the day! always something to worry about. Also I want to go prom with my best friends but my bestfriends arn't best friends with each other:/ sometimes I just wish I had a big group of friends, but then I like having a selection of friends because it brings out different sides in me. But it just makes a lot of things more difficult. Like they will happily get along for my birthday and stuff, but they personally wouldn't chose to be near one another. Which is hard, because they all mean loads to me. And then there's other friendship groups as well & it all just gets a bit confusing from there out. Also I am going LONDON soon with one of my bestfriends then we're taking her France:) which I am exciting for.. hopefully we don't end up annoying each other and ruining it for one another. But I am sure we will be fine just want to get away now. Had enough of this damn country and some of the people in it. The stuck up bitches, the sex obsessed, the depressed, the boyfriend addicts, the immature idiots, the dicks. Get to spend it with my french friends who tbh are just LOVELY!:) AHHHH.. but the journey is 13 hours or more thats just harsh. Ah well.. car games, sleep, foood and music will get me through it I am sure! Honestly would write but i've lost my flow. So here it is. ALSO I would like summer now I think:')& if I havn't said it enough already saving money is balls.