Setting out to fail.

Literally feel like i'm a useless pointless human being and everything I try and do will only result in failure. I do not look forward to the 16th August only to find out the last year of my life has been wasted. So I thought i'd concentrate on something else; learning to drive. Once again I was wrong; all this did was crush any confidence I have in my self. Only to add the one person I thought was interested in me this year only went & fucked his ex then walked all over her like she was nothing. So where in life am I succeeding? Because right now the only thing that comes to mind is no where. I need some inspiration, some hope, I need something to be proud of. I need a day where I'm surrounded by happiness, people, beauty, laughter and freedom. So it's my day off tomorrow, can only hope it's a better day. Just wish I could relax and smile. asdfghj. Music up, headphones, fuck everything.

Money isn't happiness

Well as we all sit here moaning about the same thing this summer, either that we have to go to work or we still haven't got a job. Every day feels like you're working or being turned down by another shit company which you never wanted to work for in the first place you just got desperate as the want for money is getting ever more stronger. When you're working it's sunny and when you have a day off it seems to pour down and even when you don't have a job and it's sunny either all your friends are working or you have no money to do anything anyway. So none of us are winning. I sometimes wish money was the answer though, I wish buying things would result in eternal happiness, I wish I didn't feel so stressed even though I'm on holiday from college. Maybe it is this waiting for the results which is keeping me on edge. But I hate it, I also do need to get off my ass and look at University's. I'm such a chicken, but today I did do more revision for my theory test and washed my car so the whole day wasn't a complete waste and I organised a day out tomorrow and going to netball for a hour and meeting a friend for a small walk so I can't really complain. In addition, it's been sunny! But I did have a silly cry yesterday, stupid hormones. Being female isn't always great. But I suppose I just need to keep myself motivated, I might even have a holiday coming who knows. If it plans out right I defiantly deserve the best friend in the world award.

asdfghj

I know I always crack on about time and how fast it goes but recently I just can't even begin to imagine where the time has gone. The Saturday just passed my eldest sister got married, and of course I was one of the amazing bridesmaids! The day felt like minutes not hours, one minute I was in the hair dressers the next I was down the aisle and then suddenly I was drunk on the dance floor. Definitely a high light of this year and my summer, but it doesn't feel real. My sister is no longer a Cutting; Denise Cutting, Dave Cutting, Natalie Cutting, Shannon Cutting and Louise Brown. Say what. One thing that does suck being 5/6 years younger than my sister, I constantly feel like the baby and forever lonely as one is married and has a daughter the other is engaged and discussing moving out and finding a new job and there's me, the constantly tired, b&q worker who is forever alone feel like such a lemon at family meals when everyone has someone and I have my food. blablablaaaaa enough of me moaning. I also went go karting tonight for my very late birthday four of my friends came out of the total 27 that turned up but oh well, it was a laugh and nice to do something different! I also saw a friend who I haven't seen properly in eight months:| sooo that was very nice; even got a cheeky lift home. Cannot wait until I can drive but feels soo far away. Had my seventh driving lesson today still trying to stay motivated but it's hard sometimes, I literally get angry so easily recently, I have no patience at all. Not sure what I shall do with myself tomorrow, maybe a run? I should go sleep though as I feel knackered. God bless blogger.

You irritate me.

You really irritate me, the way you treated me, the way you treated her, the way you think you can treat people. I didn't fucking realise that I had no feelings so it would be okay to be treated like some kind of game. Actually no I'm right, you're wrong, I do have feelings and you really fucked with them. Let alone being an insecure, paranoid 17 year old female, you thought why not add to this, why not make her feel really fucked up. So one day you care, you're interested, the next you don't talk, you ignore me and act like nothings happened. Me being me only becoming more insecure and paranoid, comparing myself to her, telling myself I was ugly, nothing compared to anyone. This isn't true and I know that now, well at least I know I'm not completely worthless. So basically, thanks for nothing. Good bye.

Tight throat, thumping chest, tears stream, heavy breaths. Just another silly argument right, we can all go inside watch tv and everything will be fine, actually not just fine perfect. No. It does not work like that, I don't cry to then act as nothing is wrong, I may be good at pretending but i'm not lying to myself anymore. You pushed it, you pushed me; that little bit too far. I'm tired of staying quiet and holding back, so many people are just shoving me closer and closer to the edge. Either when I'm made to not feel good enough, just a back up, you'll ask me when everyone else says no. Or then there is you, the person who's effort in friendship died many months ago.. along with what feels like everybody else's but one or two. I just want Saturday to be fine, no arguments, no tension, just smiles, drunken dancing and lots of laughing. But right now I am dreading Saturday. Need to do something to make me feel better about everything. Time to get ready for bed, maybe that will make me feel better. asdfgh. Sleep then work tomorrow morning and seeing Tessa! lyfff sukkkks. KMN.

Time

Life is on a scale, a scale of time, it involves decisions, choices, risks. It's weird how years can feel like days and days can feel like minutes. One minute you're at first school playing dress up doctors and nurses, the next you are going into town without the parents and then you're making school decisions and thinking about your exams. Then suddenly you have finished your first year of college, you're learning to drive and you've successfully been in the world of work for a year. Where has the time gone!? In 6 days my eldest sister is getting married and she has an eighth month old daughter, it's scary but it's my reality. Before I know it my other sister will be pregnant and awaiting her wedding day, this makes me all the more worried and concerned for my future. Not only am I totally undecided of what Uni I'm going to or when, I feel like the family single retard. Forever alone. Oh wow, I start writing a blog then half way just give up asdfghjkl. I give up on this blog already. lalalalala. Just going to write random shiz now because well I feel like it. I want chocolate cake and I blame strada for this craving being unfulfilled. bed time, to tired to write anymore. I NEED TO TIDY MY GOD DAMN ROOM. grrrr.