Triggers

Literally I hate myself sometimes, how I let one thing just trigger a stream of emotions. One sentence, one word can just make me go from one extreme to the other. Why the hell do I have to be such an emotional bitch. Wish I could just be an emotionless twat, it just seems that everything would be easier then. Don't even know why I even feel like this. Asdfghjkl. Suppose nothing ever makes sense. Music is all I need right now.

Just one step at a time

So I sit here in bed knowing I should either be sleeping or revising, something more helpful then drinking a hot chocolate, writing a blog and watching tv. But lets face it, I'm not going to do either one of the first two things. Two days until my two exams and to be honest with you, I am NOT looking forward to that day at all:( But my best-friend text me last night/this morning with a very sweet text! I absolutely love that girl and with out her I would be so lost. She's always looking out for me, there's not many people who can say they have a best-friend and fully mean it. So I personally think I'm lucky to have found someone like her. I wish I didn't have two exams on Wednesday. I wish my memory was an awful lot better. I wish I could just ace this shit and not have to worry. Why can't I be the smart kid in the corner of the class? WHY. Shit would be easy then & I could get A's in my sleep. BUT no. I'm the unintelligent one who works their ass off for an average grade or even worse a fail. Nothing makes me more angry - okay that's a lie, lots of things make me angry. Easily pleased but also easily irritated. asdfghj to lazy to write anymore, bed time for me!!! Night xoxoxo To be continued after Wednesday:')

Doing it for myself.

So the title may sound quite selfish, but I've finally realised in life sometimes you have to do stuff for yourself as well as the people around you. And only recently since discovering this have I started to do more for myself. I was talking about College with a friend and she has the best work ethic ever. I've never met someone who could just spend all their free time revising, waking up early just to revise, taking a subject she didn't like just because she was good at it and that's all that mattered when it came down to it. I was envious. I wanted to be able to work hard, I wanted to get up early to revise. I wanted to do well. But I couldn't. I have an A* in procrastination but that isn't helpful at all, if anything very unhelpful. Then we discussed why we work. She responded I do the extra work and I take a course I dislike because I know it will be worth it in the end, one year of a subject I don't like is nothing compared to what it will get me. Which I realised was true. The only time I work is because 1. I don't want to fail - but not because I care about me, but because I care that much about what people think of me. Fail to me reads a big sign saying you fail this, you fail at everything and this is the sign everyone sees when they see me. So I thought. I always do my work but only at last minute because I don't like being in trouble and I don't want a guilty conscience. I always want things, but I expect to get what I want in days, weeks not months or years. So this is when I decided I need to work hard for me and me only. Since then I haven't gone a day with out revising which is definitely the opposite of how I was. It's funny how one conversation can have such a dramatic change on your day to day life.

Money

The thing we can't live without, we go hungry without money, we go without warmth & shelter without money, we work our ass off just to live. Just for the simple pleasures, because that's the control money has. My dad leaves the house the latest of half 7 every day & comes back at the earliest of 5 on a normal day he does this 6 sometimes 7 days a week, he's done this since he was young. He's done this for me & my family, just to live. When I was younger he fell of a scaffold and hurt his knee badly, what did he do, take ONE day off work & carried on the next day like nothing ever happened. Still to this day his knee will cause him pain, partially his fault because he didn't rest. But if he rested then who would pay the bills? Who would put the food on the table? For this I respect my dad. He is what you could call the typical 'man of the house'. Money can break a family, it can break a person. My dad is a self-employed builder, who has one employee. Lots of people can go home and leave work at work but not my dad. He will come home & still be working, pricing & looking at jobs with my mum. Contacting suppliers and loading his van for the next day. I admire my dad for being the hard working man he is, but I do not want to be like him. I don't want to work my ass off to get nothing in return, I don't want to be unhappy because I'm worried & stressed about work, concerned I won't be able to put food on the table or pay the bills. This is why I'm even more determined to go to University, to get into a good occupation, offering me a comfortable salary. Even at the age of 17, I'm worried and concerned about money. At the moment I have to get 1,609.26 out of thin air to pay for my car and that is definitely not a nice feeling to have. I know i'll get it sorted, a few extra hours here & there, cut back on spending my money on junk. But this is just a small scale of what my dad feels. I just hope once I go to Uni they won't have to worry paying out for their children, even though I know without a doubt they'll do their best to support me. Money isn't happiness but it definitely helps along the way.

What's next?

Starting a blog annoys me. Being a perfectionist makes it ten times harder. I literally could sit here for half an hour until I was actually 'happy' with the first sentence. But fuck it, let's just pretend i'm happy with it & carry on typing. So it's the 5th day into 2013. So I might be the only one who thinks this, but saying 2013 is weird. It just doesn't sound right or actually seem real. I feel so young. But i'm 18 this year and to me that is crazy. It seems silly but I never thought i'd make it this far, when I was younger I thought i'd never become an adult, I'd never get older & i'd never have to think or care about anything other than the colour of my paint or the next decent thing on tv. But this year is full of decisions! A year of growth and change. By the end of this year I could be living in Cardiff or London? Not a little county in the South West. I don't want to wish the year away but I know the next 12 months will just feel like a blink of the eye and I'm scared. Really scared. I will feel lost with out my friends, my family, my job, my routine. Every day I wake up & I know what I need to do college, netball, work, friends... it's just so normal and every day. No big surprises. It's easy to a point. I do want to take risks; I do want to experience more. But sometimes more than anything I want a person to experience it with. I have a small family but within my family everyone has 'someone' and for the past 5 years, I have always been the baby, the one everyone takes pity for because they have no-one. My eldest sister is happily married & has her first child and my middle sister is engaged & is about to celebrate graduating university. Then there is my Mum and Dad love each other through thick and thin, drive each other up the wall but always come out smiling. Then there's me. The one who invites her best friend to a family meal because she doesn't want to be alone, the one who sits with her cat in the evening like a old crazy cat lady! I'm not saying I want to be married or have children now, but I would like this year to bring me something more. But we shall see. Enough of the soppy shit. Plans for this year apart from obviously meeting my prince charming and riding away on white stallion and becoming a billionaire and a famous actress. And curing cancer. So they're the obvious. I'm also planning on passing my exams, going to university, seeing Plan B & hopefully Professor Green, going to London (If I don't go to the theatre this year; I will fucking cry! Just sayin') Celebrate my 18th & my dad's 50th! Hopefully visit the new baby Pedrant and just enjoy every bloody moment with my closest friends! That is all. Love you all.. Oh wait not you. I hate you. Just kidding, you're my favourite baby.

The photo has no significance, but what the hell I love dogs. Especially dogs this fucking cute.