you can talk to loads of different people about the way you are feeling but still feel the same. you can go over the same thing in your head for three days straight but still feel lost and confused. your losing sleep and your stomache hurts.. you feel like you could be sick, but you dont want to. you can cry but it still hurts. but you cant escape the crying. you feel like just sleeping for weeks.. because your so exhausted of whats happening. you dont like the feeling and you want to get away. nothing you do.. makes anything better, the things you thought would reassure you, dont. some people are there for you.. they really try to help others the ones you expect to be there.. act like they've just had enough of you. i'm scared, i'm nervous, i'm angry, i am fed up. i dont want it to end, but my head keeps telling me different. that each day is closer to me losing you. i know your fed up with me.. but i just wish you would just stop dragging me a lone and just let go. because i am hurting and all i wanna do is escape. i just wanna keep running and running and never stop. people tell me none of this is my fault.. but i cant help but think it is. why would it happen so many times for it not to be my fault, surely i am doing something wrong somewhere. always the people closest to me. tbh the half term is meant to make you feel better get to see people and rest.. but mine always end up being half:) & half :( i dont like showing me sad.. because tbh who likes being sad? cant say i do.. its not nice to see your friend upset, you just wanna pick them up and put them back on their feet. so i try my best to not get upset in front of friends i try my best to hide it, to make it easier. not just for me but for them.

walking along a road, long, bumpy, dangerous, scary but all meant to be worth it. beat your fears, do the unthinkable and be who you want to be, looking at it the second way sounds incredible.. but when you step back and take a look at real life it aint that easy. i suppose if you have the people then it makes it easier.. but when the people turn on you thats when it becomes hard, or should i say harder. i dont really feel like trying anymore these past 4 days i have felt even more drained then i did when i was at school, i would say i need a break but i have just finished my half term.. maybe keeping busy is better for me? i dunno anymore. but i cant take it. i dont have anything to write anymore because all i do is write the same stuff over & over in a different way.. i have so many questions but no answers, so many worries so many fears, that everything seems so hard. evening being me.. the only thing that keeps me going is putting a smile on someones face, watching them laugh at me with me.. either, my mum and dad are planning a weekend away soon, i kind of feel like deleting every contact i have with anyone, just to start fresh and to see if i am worth anything to anyone. if i wasnt here would i be missed.. just a girl in the past, someone who you could use, some one you could hurt and you'd feel ok. because you never really let yourself care.





walk. walk away. shut down.

bedblog.

step by step i take each day. no more do i ask for much. a smile a day will do me. because a smile is better then none. i dont know why i still think about the past but i get i'm finding it hard to move on. not knowing where i belong. people who you call your best friends.. are just not anymore. then theres nothing you can do about it. because that was the past and everythings changed. no matter how much they tell you they care, you cant believe them. because you've lost trust in everyone but yourself. not purposely, not meaningfully. but because you get hurt, you get walked over until you deside letting anyone else in will just hurt more. so you sit, look back at what you had and cry because you no longer do. in ways its for the best but it doesnt stop you missing it, it doesnt stop you from getting jealous or wanting to relive the memories. then to add to that i dont think you care.. these past weeks just seem like i've lost you. i keep trying, but i dont think you notice. maybe you dont do it on purpose, but when did that ever stop something from hurting? i dont enjoy feeling down all the time and i dont enjoy anyone taking advantage of me using me for someone to lean on when they've hit rock bottom. few months left and schools over. all these memories, fanished, start fresh. if only every day could be a new day, so you could refresh as much as you wanted. but sometimes you have enough of being sad and instead of the streams of tears, you get the one or two which hold it all inside. when i write i dont really think, it's just the first lot of mumble which comes to my head. i love to write, i'm not that good but i find it interesting to read over and its a easier way of telling someone how you feel. soo.. its 1.16 and tbh i should be asleep, but i cant. meant to be doing a heck load of coursework tomorrow but at this rate i am gonna be to tired, i suppose i should try to sleep and not get upset. good night blogger, thank you for being there(A)

exhausted

So i am completely exhausted & my feelings are raw. any little thing that happens is effecting my mood. the stupidest things, even when i know someones joking & i dont understand why.

when one thing goes up the other down. then when something good comes along i am already pushing it away. well i feel like i could be. why do i have to be so sensitive? why do i have to care about every little thing.

its been months now. these stupid thoughts never leave my head. over and over. no escaping. because no one could understand, because i couldnt begin to explain. i want my mind to rest but it doesnt, until i go into this foolish overdrive mode. where i could scream & hit/kick anything i see. then when i try to cover it up, i begin to make myself look like somekind of fool. everything i do messes up.

then suddenly the people who are meant to make me feel better just add to it. make me feel more of an idiot. so i dont no what i am meant to do with myself.. because i'm not the only one going through crap. so sitting back & just watching it happen suits me best. because theres nothing else that can be done.

all i reallyy feel like doing is erasing the past 2 years & starting them fresh. because thats where i fell & i'm still falling now. some days i feel as if i'm getting myself back up other days i feel like its happening all over again.

you can forgive & forgive & forgive but if you cant forget then thats when you become to realise you havn't really forgiven.

people walk in & out your life all the time, but sometimes you have to try & figure out who the ones are worth caring about. i've had people walk over me, more then once & tbh what hurts the most is helping someone then them basically slapping you back in the face with it. like you did nothing for them. time after time.. it happens but i never realise there not genuine and there not there to stay.

ahhh just makes me angry.

so .. i cbb to say anymore just not in the mood.

why?

why is it when i am slowly getting to grips with things and accepting that you've moved on that i'm not needed anymore.. that suddenly you want me back. why is it when i finally pick up the courage to accept that i am no longer something to you.. that its all suddenly so different. its like i am happy but i'm not.. was the present you go me a symbol of remembering what we had but you were moving on? was it just showing how much you care or did it have no meaning. i just dont understand, how or why it happened.. we were so close like brother & sister. i told you alot of things that i wouldnt dare tell anyone else. i had a lot of trust in you, would want to be there for you though anything, i really thought we would get over our rough patch after all that stuff happened.. but i guess i felt pushed away more then anything & i suppose you could just say i let you go, but slowly day by day i saw you less until we just didnt speak.. i said sarcasticly ha see you in 5 weeks, but on the inside just wishing you would turn around and say to me dont be silly shannon, you will see me sooner then that, your not getting rid of me that quickly. but you didnt. nothing like it. a week passed, & you felt better you said sorry & i felt a bit better just hoping we would be alrite(yn) but things werent amazing shall i say.. losing someone else already & i didnt wanna lose you, but now shes gone. shes moved on, probably for the best. but you, it was different. i tried to make it obvious i wanted to see you, i even tried arranging something but you were to busy, to busy for me. i dont no if i just took it the wrong way..i dont no if you didnt mean to hurt me, but it did. i just felt like i was dropped & hit rock bottom. then realising you hadnt just moved on & got a girlfriend which tbh i was very happy for you, you had moved on & got a new best friend. & you could say i had bestfriends too.. but i tried to make sure you new you werent being replaced. we went back to school.. first day fat hug. my thoughts; its all gonna be ok.. but is it, does he need me really? am i anything special. no. few weeks passed the smiles fanished.. walk past each other as we didnt no one anothers names. it just didnt seem right.. so night after night i thought about it, never understanding where it all went wrong? then i came down ill only for a week, it was strange.. didnt no what it was, i thought it must have been stressed related because nothing else showed up, & i guess i felt myself breaking. the person who was always the smiling, strong person was letting her true sensitive fragile person show. everyone was really kind about it though, asking if i was ok, telling me to take it easy. but you, you didnt even know & some nights i just felt like walking up to you & saying what happened, because i miss you & i need you, i'm sorry i really am. yay here the tears come hay. but suddenly i dont no whats happened i finally tried getting myself around the fact things change.. its year eleven & i just have to focus on myself & school. but you started talking to me, i couldnt ignore you, i didnt want to. i felt happy but confused. we've been so much surely this little thing shouldnt be that hard for me to get over. but i guess, i've changed & it all got to much. now just left confused & not really knowing what to do next.

i am sorry.

a updatee.

um just found this hope its ok, havnt read over it so feel free to read(:

so.. thought i would give you alittle up date on me. not to entertaining but i dont care hehe. dont no where to start.. hmm. well on the upside i went to the docs & i got all my tests back & i am A OK. well i said i am just one of those girls that faintt:/ which was nice & helpful! so i just have to make sure i drink & eat appropiately:/ even thou i eat like a pig & drink well i should drink some more(A) mum thinks it was stress & so do i:/ dad was like its because of your performance but to me that wasnt the only stress i was feeling. but the performance is over!:) & i think it went pretty well tbh:D what else.. ohhh i had off roading this weekend which waaaas AHHH just .. WOOO:D going around on my quad just listening to music shutting it all out! but on the down side..
i'm still not feeeling on top yet:/ & its always the people who say they're gonna be there for you when your feeling crap, the people who say they know you! but really dont know no you at all.. because when you unhappy they make you feel worse.. or even when your happy they make you so angry you could just scream & cry. just annoys me though because i dont no any way of going around it anymore without hurting myself more.. i get angry so quickly.. the smallest thing just can trigger it off.

it hurts when someone walks out on you, replaces you & then the next thing you no everything is meant to be 'fine' & whatever happened didnt to them, what do you do then? when you care so much about that one person.. but you cant get through to them how it feels to be chucked away forgotten & then suddenly picked back up & everythings 'ok' but to you its not, so far from it you cant explain. how i could run up to you hug you & just cry.

i annoy myself how i still care,
i annoy myself how i thought you'd always be there,
i annoy myself when i realise me & you arn't ever gonna be the same
and most likely i have myself to blame.

when you look and realise how many months have gone by,
when you really think about it and you just wanna break down and cry.

when you look at the photos and think of the memories,
when you sit in the window & your tears get caught by the gentle breeze.

each day, morning and night, your voice surrounds my head,
as i lie thinking is there anything i could of done or said.

then i come to the conclusion you have moved on,
and what i was or might have been is now all gone.

so i want to let go, but i'm finding it hard,
not knowing how, not wanting too, not really knowing where to start.

my tears keep running as the thoughts keep coming, over & over
until one day i accept its done.