Accepting reality

Something that people often find hard to do; is accept reality. But there is one thing 'accepting reality' and there is another which is not even trying in the first place. I have a lot of dreams; a lot of ambitions, which I'm sure many people have. Certain barriers I want to break and certain dreams I want to achieve. So i'm trying to accept the fact that sometimes it's good not to get your hopes up because as horrible as it may sound it's very easy for someone to turn around and 'crush' it, as I have experienced. This is one thing that leads me to be a very uneasy person at times; I find it hard to trust and let down barriers for people to gain a real understanding of the person I am and the thoughts I have. But when another human being uses your naivety against you, this is when it all begins. The lack in trust; the paranoia, the doubt. You can tell me a hundred times you will never hurt me but it would take more than a hundred actions for me to ever believe you. Some people don't even do it on purpose, or so it seems, some people think it's just harmless fun. But it isn't. The truth is through experience you'll learn who's true and who isn't. My bestfriend is definitely true and a real keeper. We may not have massive tear fests, but we have plenty of laughs and I think that's what I love the most about our friendship/relationship. I may not have a boyfriend who loves me to the moon and back but I wouldn't give up our friendship for anything! Relationships end, distance can pull them apart, other friendships can tear them down, but not a friendship I could be on the other side of the world but no matter how many days passed I'd only want to see my bestfriend more and time wouldn't change that. Today was the first day we'd seen each other in about five weeks so we did the normal chill out session, while having every random conversation under the sun from good looking rugby players to gardening and driving and our future trips to Glastonbury. This also helps me move on to my second point in this blog, as we sit and chat, my phobia comes up into conversation. Not being able to urinate in public also known as Paruresis for all you people interested. A real phobia and about 7% of the public may suffer from this social anxiety disorder. So this is what gave me hope to find out more! Something which doesn't affect your every day person, affects me every day of my life. You may laugh, you may be confused by how going to the toilet could even effect someone dramatically and how it could even begin to upset them. But believe me if you could understand, if you could just take one step into these shoes you wouldn't doubt it for a second. First of all it's the embarrassment when your friend or a person mentions "oh i'm going to the toilet do you need to go, you said you did earlier." and you have to reply "umm.. no it's okay i'll wait until I got home" be it a half an hour wait or a five hour wait. However long it takes you have to wait because you feel as if there is no other option or then you try and you sit there for a good five minutes and nothing. You walk out the toilet "ahaha did you just go for as shit, you took ages!?" The awkward moment when you reply with no, automatically making you assume everyone is thinking this. Or there is the moment when you wait in a queue to go, and then you get to the toilet and you can't even go but you feel pressured because you know their is a queue of 10-15 people waiting, so you just don't even bother trying again. But one of the worst things about it is the pain, the horrific agony you feel in the bottom of your stomach like someones stabbing you and twisting the knife making any position horrible to be in. So something I want to achieve and will actually make a step towards is defeating this phobia and with the help of my bestfriend I think I can do it.

I’ve Got to Go But I Can’t A Day in the Life of a Paruretic

Allen W. Court

Oh you.

you stupid individual for acting as if you cared; you stupid individual for acting like you'd be there; you stupid individual for being a prick; you stupid individual who only thinks with their dick. you lead someone on,then change your mind; you do as you please, then leave them behind; you act as if you're interested, you flirt and you smile; but then it's not what you want you ass you're vile. Oh my sweet love for poetry. I'm not angry, I just like to be honest.

The Hen Weekend

So my eldest sister is getting married in three weeks-ish; 14th July to be exact. So this weekend me and nine others took a trip to Bournemouth to stay in a hotel and go to a drag show at Rubyz. So the journey began at 12 once everyone was ready and we set of on our little road trip. Stopping of at a trusty Mcdonalds half way there, which actually was quite a let down. But we did get to see some casual army tanks and trucks as they decided it would be fine to stop a roundabout so they could go by! Not fun. So we got to the hotel who straight away told us there should be no drug use, come on do we look like druggies? Anyway me and my sister Natalie squeezed into what they called a 'lift' hugging each other for dear life as at any moment it could have broke down with the sounds it was making. But we made it to the second floor at walked up to third to find our room! Which we got lucky with as we had a double bed and a single and guess who got shoved to the single bed, yep that's right me. But to be honest I didn't mind, I got the better sleep! So we went into the town and found some shops which was nice, didn't buy anything mind as I thought we'd spend a day shopping not a hour! Anyhow we went back to the hotel and started to get ready! I applied my fake eyelashes; a proud moment that was. Slapped on some make up and attempted to sort out my bush I call hair. Went down to the bar where a charming young male was who took our photo and then was trying to get one of our numbers so we could meet up again later;D but being as I was the only single female I could not see this happening, three people engaged, one windowed, one married, one divorced and the others in some kind of relationship. So that didn't happen. Off to Rubyz we go with the plan of getting completely gazeboed. Wasn't quite feeling the atmosphere and being the only under 18 it is awkward. To chicken to attempt to get a drink as my sister would kill me if I got kicked out etc. But me and my sister shared 'Sex on the beach' which to be honest just tasted of pineapple juice, but hay ho not complaining. The drag queen show went on as my sister was bought more and more drinks until she was bunkbedded. She then decided she would see if it was raining even though you could hear it and was running around in the pouring rain, smart child. But she was happy! We then made a move back to the hotel, making a move meaning running next door, screaming and blowing our whistles as it was pouring with rain! To the 24hour bar we went, one of Louise's friends was off her trolley and just a bit of a mess and begging for us to get her some chocolate, but the lovely barmen came out with a coffee for her & she was taken to bed. 44 and definitely the biggest party animal there hahahaha. We then chilled in the bar and the ladds came back from earlier, but the stag going to bed as he couldn't take anymore and this being at half 12; some would say he was a let down and a complete light weight. But the night went on and a amusing night at that, especially when some hot tattooed topless male walks in, helllllllllooo there!;D So I made a few friends but never learnt their surnames sadly, so no facebook friends! Even though they were attempting it. Then at half two off to bed I went and the morning came! We got ready and went down and had our fry up:') seeing the ladds from last night and then all chilled in the bar waiting for everyone to be ready to leave. One of the ladds who thought he was a complete god and sweet talker then argued he deserved a good bye kiss, me being the only single one got the lovely opportunity. So about to kiss him on the cheek he turns his head, how I didn't see it coming I don't know! Shut him up though. Then we spent the rest of the day down by the pier and travelling home! 60p to get on the pier for what!? nothingggg. such a scam. ah well now i'm home in my joggers, I need to tidy my room and eat my tea. THE END.

Time

So a few weeks ago if I didn't get a text from you i'd be bothered, actually more than bothered actually quite distraught because stupidly I had feelings for you which grew a lot over time. But with mere strength and self persuasion they are slowly being crushed because I'm not ready to get hurt again, especially as this is already hurting now. I don't want to be another one on your list or the one you speak to when you feel like it, how you make out you care so much, that you're concerned when i'm upset is bullshit even if you don't realise it. How you are puts me of a friendship, let alone anything else. So what I meant when I titled this blog 'time' was it's weird how much has changed within those two weeks, how just a little bit of time can change something quite dramatically. This is what truly scares me. I've just finished my first year of college and the next step is Uni or not Uni. All my life I've always chosen the path of University but at those moments in my life I didn't actually have to worry about it so of course I was going to say I would go and I want to go. But with university comes a lot of choices which is something I hate and will do anything to deter from. It all just sounds so scary and I just don't feel ready. But one thing is I want to promise myself something that I will get rid of my phobia because even that is getting in my way, how stupid it may sound to every one I tell it doesn't stop it from being there or being real. So I can't pee in public? I'm not ashamed if people know, I used to be embarrassed but why should I be, it's something I can't control and want to change. So in the next few weeks I need to get my act together and really focus on 'what's next' no time for just one step at a time I need to start thinking NOW. That is all for tonight, good night.

Aspiration

So everyone has dreams; things they aspire to do, goals in life. Some of us accomplish these goals while others let them pass us by, not grabbing the opportunity with both hands and running with it. Myself are one of those people, I see something I want it but do I ever want it enough. To scared of the downfall it could have, to scared to take a risk. Yesterday I spoke with a friend, a new friend. You always have those conversations when you're getting to know one another, ask each other about their interests or where they want to go with life. Become a doctor, travel the world, run a marathon, you got me. So this is when it hit me, a aspiration I have in life is to take my favourite sport Netball to different countries around the world and coach over there. Also I'd love to encourage Netball to be in the next Olympics. It really gets to me when people make out it isn't a 'real' sport, what the fuck do you call a real sport!? You run, you catch, you throw, you change speed, you score goals; what is it about netball that makes it a not a real sport, nothing that is what. People who don't play presume you don't run, because you're not allowed to move with the ball and you just pass it down in a nice little line. No that is not how you play netball, it takes speed, judgement, technique, accuracy, team work. Why I feel so strongly about this is because of the role models I have; my head coach Anita being the main one, she is amazing, she had a dream and she fucking did it! She is the reason why I play today, and I can definitely tell you without netball I wouldn't be me. When I feel sad, I play netball, when I feel angry, I play netball, when I feel happy I play netball, it isn't just a sport but it's like a real life support barrier for me. Without netball I wouldn't have the friends, the experiences, the place to release my emotions and the achievements. I've played from the age of 8 and I've loved it from the first day I played. I'm now a qualified coach and have played for my county and at a regional standard, I've played against people twice my age from the age of 12/13. So without my netball coach I wouldn't have the achievements or this dream! Some people may laugh but all I can say to that is poor them.

Control

It's silly how we let people have control of us and our emotions. Crying ourselves to sleep, not being able to smile, taking away every little bit of self belief you have in yourself because you're so caught up on them, so caught up on their lies, their ignorance. We're stupid for letting them have control, we're stupid for crying at every chance we are alone because they're on our mind, so my thoughts are I need to build a big ass bridge and get the fuck over it. If people don't have the time for you, why have the time for them, so I'm going to get off my ass sing to the far heavens & get my ass to work and stuff my face with food when I get to my sisters. Just under two weeks and it's summer! So here is my aim to just fucking smile.

Isn't it funny how you don't know, how you're spilling your heart out to me, looking towards me as someone you can talk to but every word you say is cutting me a little inside. But you're oblivious, because you don't know how I feel. By the sounds of it, he doesn't even know how I feel. Needs it spelled out from start to finish. You'd think you would have took the hints though, the constant wanting your company, your hugs, the compliments. I don't just say it for fun. It angers me how a few days can just change it all, what the fuck did I do wrong. But i'm not being taken for an idiot because I'm not and I know I deserve to be treated better. asdfghjk. So yeah, that's that. Head up and move on.

Just a thought

So I ask myself why take life so seriously if you only live once? What is the point of being caught up on shit which isn't worth the hassle. For example; the boy you like doesn't text you back or your superviser is a bitch. Why bother being upset/annoyed, why bother wasting time? Yes we're only human and yes we all have feelings but we're in control. I don't know, I've experienced some dark places and I just want to change this mental path and this has just made me realise why the heck do I take everything to heart? why do I live on edge for what others think of me? I cannot change who I am, only love what i've got. So here is to taking every day as it is and still smiling whatever the result.

Feelings

Right now all I want to do is cry and it's all because of these fucking messed up feelings. But i'm not crying, my eyes aren't even filled with tears, just letting it go over my head because I know that's best, not letting it hit the surface. But now I have to make a decision and it's not one I want to make but I don't think there is really any other option. Need to just keep my head up, things will improve and these feelings can change. asdfghjkl. I just don't know!! Would be lush if I could just move away to some sunshine and not have to look back.

Trust

Trust, what a funny thing. What really is it? Something that grows from time? With friendship, is it a state of mind. Is it something we chose. Is it psychological. Tonight I've trusted someone. More than trusted and I don't know the reason why. Is it trust, I suppose there must be some trust there you don't just spill out your head to someone who you think will share it with the world. You don't just tell someone something which could affect your life dramatically if you didn't trust them. I'm not sure why tonight. Or why at all. Just one of those things which I am learning to accept. To be carried on..

The Weekend

So it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, yet there was some very good bits. Saturday my plan was to work 10-1 home do my nails pack my clothes back to work for 4:30-8 then waterfront for my friends leaving do, awkward when only 6 of us turned up out of the 40 odd people who I work with! Was fuckin' shocking and I felt so bad. Also the person I was looking forward to seeing decided he was no longer coming either, so that didn't go to plan. My boss bought me a lovely lemonade then I headed to my friends gathering which ended up with just one big topic of masturbation. Which I will admit was funny. Didn't drink a lot but was nice to chill. Then Sunday I had work from 12:30-4 wasn't too bad! Went fast, a few awkward moments with a particular person but it was okay. Then home and got ready to go out! Music up and my plan of action was to get drunk and let loose, which pretty much went to plan. Dancing, drinking, swinging on banisters- which thinking about right now probably wasn't the safest idea but I'm still alive right? Lots of casual pictures and hugs, how I love hugs. Yeah so my dad picked me up at 12 lovely drive home & then I sat on my kitchen floor for a hour before I could make my way to my bedroom, but I did feel better after sharing my stomach with the toilet! NOM VOM. A lovely glass of water, strip down and off to sleep I was. A few texts but yeaaah that was that! Now to celebrate queenie tonight with my brother-in-law to be's dad & step mum party! Don't think I'll be drinking all that much tonight! Then tomorrow with my liam and emma! YAYAYA. Here we come mcdonalds you beauty. Pretty exclamatory, my view on life. The middle finger.