Accepting reality

Something that people often find hard to do; is accept reality. But there is one thing 'accepting reality' and there is another which is not even trying in the first place. I have a lot of dreams; a lot of ambitions, which I'm sure many people have. Certain barriers I want to break and certain dreams I want to achieve. So i'm trying to accept the fact that sometimes it's good not to get your hopes up because as horrible as it may sound it's very easy for someone to turn around and 'crush' it, as I have experienced. This is one thing that leads me to be a very uneasy person at times; I find it hard to trust and let down barriers for people to gain a real understanding of the person I am and the thoughts I have. But when another human being uses your naivety against you, this is when it all begins. The lack in trust; the paranoia, the doubt. You can tell me a hundred times you will never hurt me but it would take more than a hundred actions for me to ever believe you. Some people don't even do it on purpose, or so it seems, some people think it's just harmless fun. But it isn't. The truth is through experience you'll learn who's true and who isn't. My bestfriend is definitely true and a real keeper. We may not have massive tear fests, but we have plenty of laughs and I think that's what I love the most about our friendship/relationship. I may not have a boyfriend who loves me to the moon and back but I wouldn't give up our friendship for anything! Relationships end, distance can pull them apart, other friendships can tear them down, but not a friendship I could be on the other side of the world but no matter how many days passed I'd only want to see my bestfriend more and time wouldn't change that. Today was the first day we'd seen each other in about five weeks so we did the normal chill out session, while having every random conversation under the sun from good looking rugby players to gardening and driving and our future trips to Glastonbury. This also helps me move on to my second point in this blog, as we sit and chat, my phobia comes up into conversation. Not being able to urinate in public also known as Paruresis for all you people interested. A real phobia and about 7% of the public may suffer from this social anxiety disorder. So this is what gave me hope to find out more! Something which doesn't affect your every day person, affects me every day of my life. You may laugh, you may be confused by how going to the toilet could even effect someone dramatically and how it could even begin to upset them. But believe me if you could understand, if you could just take one step into these shoes you wouldn't doubt it for a second. First of all it's the embarrassment when your friend or a person mentions "oh i'm going to the toilet do you need to go, you said you did earlier." and you have to reply "umm.. no it's okay i'll wait until I got home" be it a half an hour wait or a five hour wait. However long it takes you have to wait because you feel as if there is no other option or then you try and you sit there for a good five minutes and nothing. You walk out the toilet "ahaha did you just go for as shit, you took ages!?" The awkward moment when you reply with no, automatically making you assume everyone is thinking this. Or there is the moment when you wait in a queue to go, and then you get to the toilet and you can't even go but you feel pressured because you know their is a queue of 10-15 people waiting, so you just don't even bother trying again. But one of the worst things about it is the pain, the horrific agony you feel in the bottom of your stomach like someones stabbing you and twisting the knife making any position horrible to be in. So something I want to achieve and will actually make a step towards is defeating this phobia and with the help of my bestfriend I think I can do it.

I’ve Got to Go But I Can’t A Day in the Life of a Paruretic

Allen W. Court