Good bye exams

So today was my last exam of five, psychology and oh how lovely it is to not have to revise! I've had a night of music, ice cream and event planning. This weekend is going to be good, my mum & dads surprise anniversary meal/ dads 49th birthday, my friends leaving meal Saturday and a party afterwards and then another party Sunday evening, can't argue with that! This is exactly what summer is about. My first driving lesson tomorrow and I'm not going to lie i'm nervous, but I suppose I should just take it as it comes, the worst that can happen really is not moving from the spot. I then have a evening of work at the jolly place of B&Q, how lush. Shouldn't be too bad, 3 & a half hours I can do this shit. I also have one person on my mind, but choosing to not let it completely take over my every action. I suppose what it is, is what it is. Just let shit take it's path. Kick back, relax.

Confidence

Monday 21st May What is it and how the heck do I get my self some!? It's not hard to act 'confident' to pretend you like the way you look or the person you are, it's easy to put on a smile when you're covered up with what I rely on a lot of the time make-up and other beauty products! But why do we waste our time, today I was ill so stayed in.. hair up, no make up and I will say it wasn't the best sight, but I was glad not to waste half an hour applying my make up and straightening my hair which isn't long compared to some people, with their five layers of foundation, two of concealer, couple different powders, a few mascaras and a nice bright pink lip stick. ohhh & don't forget the scouse brow which is suddenly very popular. Sunday 27th May Continued.. So I dislike myself and my body. I think my skin is too pale, my thighs are too wide, my eye brows are like bushes, my nose is too big, my boobs are too small and my bum is too big, I have freckles and moles, my eyes aren't just one colour and my height can get the best of me, I act like a freak and find it hard to take risks which could be life changing, I hold on to the past and cry when no ones looking, I get angry and put myself down for hours on end, listing all these faults one by one until I'm just too tired to think, to stay awake and listen to myself. But anyway this needs to change. I need to stop letting my insecurities run my life, one step at a time, but I will do this. Everyone can hide behind a fake smile but it takes pure strength to smile with nothing to hide.

Summer

Okay so the last two days have actually been really good! Spent it with two of my very close friends Jessica & Chloe. Yesterday me and Chloe went into town nice and early, I bought us some tie dye and we purchased two plain male tops from Primark like brutes, I also spent a small fortune on a dress, earings, rings, top, denim jacket, bridesmaids shoes, subway, shorts and a lovely milkshake so it wasn't a cheap day. I then had work for a few hours and had to say good bye to one of my friends as he was leaving): which wasn't fun. With out him I probably would have been lost at work, proper looked after me when everyone else was ignorant shits. Anyhow me and Chloe also popped to Blue Banana to get her ear pierced and back to hers to dye the tops!

So that it what they looked like before they were dry and here was my end result..

So that was that. Then today it was very sunny, I had one lesson which was psychology which I nearly fell asleep in due to the lack of sleep last night two and a half hours, fucking killer, never again not for anyone. But I did have another lush can of monster today and it was only a pound so that kinda made everything okay! After college I wanted to desperately go for a walk, so I text my slut Jessica. Got a burger from the burger van and we pondered down the quay and found a nice place to sit for a few hours while we chatted away - true friendship. We then decided a ice-cream was in need and I needed a cold drink! So this is what we did.

Then back to hers to catch some more rays. Then I had netball coaching which was good and tonight I have spent it home alone listening to radio 1 and sitting in my garden, why the heck not.

Don't get your hopes up

So, the suns out.. have any of you had personal thoughts saying how happy you are that the sun has decided to show it's face? But then tell yourself to shut up because if you think happy thoughts then something will come down & crush it. Or is it just me that does this on a regular basis? I never seem to enjoy what I've got because either I doubt it's real or just keep doubting that something will go wrong no matter what. For example you're really enjoying someones company but then you tell yourself that they'll soon get bored of you so just shut up for a few days and leave them alone. I actually hate it. It's obvious a couple of thoughts won't have an impact upon what a person thinks of you surely, they can't read your mind. But I can't help it! I'm unbelievably paranoid and if someone doesn't talk to me suddenly, I worry.. a lot. It sounds silly doesn't it? But I suppose that is me! I care a lot. But how can you tell the difference between someone you should care and someone who is just being a head fuck, because it's either i'm to sensitive and have no trust in anyone or this person is actually fuckin' with my head. It might be both. But it's weird they sound so genuine but i'm worried. I'm not ready to be crushed again ergh asdfghjk.

A week till summer

I cannot not explain the excitement and the relief to know it's only seven days until my summer begins! But where the hell has this year gone? Today I sat reminiscing old memories from this year and it's crazy. This time last year I was preparing for GCSE's but now it's AS exams and the jump in difficulty is unthinkable- that may sound over the top or a little extreme, but college isn't a walk in the park. Yes it has it's perks like; no uniform, late starts, new people, being able to go get a milkshake or a hot drink in your free, the more relaxed relationship you have with your teacher.. but with it's perks it brings shit. Within the first few months you're expected to learn half the criteria for your AS and sit an exam in January which is a shock to the system, especially when you get your results back and you got a U & a E and you have never experienced such grades. In addition comes responsibility, you are practically a adult, how successful you are in college and what you gain from the experience is down to you and you only. No teachers for reassurance, no extensions to your work. The only person who will get it done is YOU. In addition to this you then have work, something not everyone chooses to do, but from personal experience I think it's a great thing to do, meet new people, learn new skills and actually earn some money for yourself,so you don't have to rely on others such as mum or dad. Without working I couldn't afford half of the luxuries I've bought myself; car, docking station, camera, holiday, clothes and more fucking clothes + some shoes! But work isn't easy, it adds stress to exams, customers aren't always nice and your managers don't always like you. But you just have to get on with it, there will be days where work isn't so bad and you might even get yourself a few compliments, be it your nails, hair, personality. Something else to add to this bundle is the social pressure and acceptance, everyone feels the same on that first day, you don't know any fucker and you kind of just wish you never walked into the classroom, but with time it gets better- you settle in and you WILL make friends! My friends from college are very different from my school friends but they're all lovely people who have made this year what it is. Within the subject of social pressure and acceptance you have relationships and social gatherings. The pressure on having sex, or taking drugs and being totally off your face every weekend. But you don't have to follow the crowd, you don't have to take drugs or become the college bicycle. People will accept you for who you are, as long as you make it clear that your loud and proud of the person you are & the decisions you make. So who cares if you've never touched alcohol or haven't fucked the living daylights out of every boy you've met. No one, just be you & work hard, don't expect it all to come so easily. Stay in touch with school friends, the real ones will always stick around. So good night and good luck.

A year a go this June/July haha can't even remember when my prom was!

Just going to sit here..

Just going to sit here feeling sorry for myself. It's the 21st of May and I cannot wait until it's the 29th and all this exam shit is over with, I'm literally petrified that I have wasted this whole year because of these stupid exams which I just can't seem to prepare myself for properly or successfully. However much revision I do, how many lessons I attend; sitting there literally doing all I can to understand, to take it and process the information, it just doesn't work. I feel ashamed of myself and I hate it, I just want to do well! But it seems I have set my goals to high, way above my intelligence levels. So are we trapped by ourselves is it ever possible to reach everything you want, to meet every goal. Or are we held back by our class, where we are bought up, how much money our families have or does this just mean we have to take bigger leaps and climb harder. Because right now I feel like i'm on a road to no where. It's like I have met a dead end. I need this summer so badly, also to add to it I have suddenly came down ill from no where! My voice is like a mans and the lack of energy is unreal. But now I am soldiering on with a philosophy essay about the mind and the body being two separate substances therefore we have freewill, sounds great doesn't it and then after that I get to revise all the different approaches in psychology and how gender is developed, please tell me you are all jealous. That is all.

The Edge

Do you ever feel completely on edge? Like you could just snap at any moment and when you do, you know you're just going to cry and cry and cry. Well this is exactly how I felt tonight. Well actually that's a lie, I was oblivious to how I was actually feeling inside because I was just putting on a brave face and trying to think positive. But really it didn't take much until I 'snapped'. But the thing is the last person I expected to make me feel like this was you? I get to work feeling quite content, tired but knew I just had to get on with things. However you obviously wanted to ruin this as you completely snapped at me putting me into tears and shaking. You're 35 yet thought it was fine to act in this way towards me knowing how sensitive I am and that I was stressed out, I never mean to cause problems or make hassle, it wasn't my intention at all. I suppose that didn't matter though because I still managed to. My head hurts and I just want to sleep but I know I can't as I have a two and a half hour AS English exam tomorrow which is worth 60% of my total grade, but even staying awake doesn't help because I feel so shit it's not that anything will even go into my tiny thick head. Just want you to give me cuddles and stay with me until I fall asleep, would make things a lot easier.

The scream for help

It's scary how things like that can go unnoticed and no one realizes until it is literally just too late. Hiding tears with broken smiles, lying every day saying you're okay when really you are far from okay and it actually took everything in you just to get out of bed this morning. It could be your best friend but you wouldn't even know, because no one knows. No one realizes or can see these dark thoughts surrounding your head. But why don't we notice? How are we so oblivious to the screams for help. You could be someones last hope and you wouldn't even know. Doesn't that scare you because it scares me. I just wish people didn't suffer in silence. This is something in life I would actually love to contribute towards, I want to make a difference!

You made this choice.

You want to know what really gets to me right now? It's you, you sit there feeling sorry for yourself about how we're not close anymore, but you made this choice, not any one else Y O U. It's been six months since you've seen me properly, half a year & for some one who's meant to be your best friend this is what you least expect. If you care why do you not make any effort? O wow a virtual message once a month, lucky me. Sometimes I go days and I won't think about it but then there is days like today where actually I just can't stop and all I want to do is rant as it was just one big shock to the system. We went from nights in watching films, drives, Bristol. We were finally getting close again! But nope you've literally chucked me a side like you couldn't care less and to be honest with you that fucking hurts and as much as I can say I don't care, I do so well done.

Looking out from within.

Do you ever wonder what it's like to be someone else? To look out from a different perspective, to have a different understanding or meaning of life. Have you ever wished you knew what someone else was thinking, be it your friend, the person you like or even just a random stranger. That urge just to know. Sometimes I find the beauty's of life easy to capture other days not so much, but i'm curious of others and how they see life. It's weird because for having an exam today and another four within the next two weeks you'd think I'd be stressed but I actually feel relatively calm, I suppose it's because I know all I can do is my best and that is all I can ask from myself and if at first you don't succeed, try and try again.

Exams

Yes the dreaded E word, EXAMS. The thing that every teenager hates and wishes they didn't have to do. This is why a percentage of our generation escape it by doing 'BTEC's' which is all coursework based and all they have to do is meet criteria and deadlines, I'm not saying it's easy- it is time consuming and you still have to work hard. For example; my A* in performing arts and health & social care at school, it's not that I sat around doing nothing. There were times when it was stressful, so I do believe I deserved the grades. But then you have English and Maths which I put exactly the same amount of effort into, but got two grades lower, two B's. Which to be honest I was ecstatic with, because I hate exams. I hate the pressure, the environment, the silence, the remembering every little detail for it not to even come up in the paper. Just everything about it, especially the long, dreaded wait for the results when you realize what you got is still not good enough. Expectations is what really gets me. If you don't reach these expectations your dreams can be shattered in moments, just two exams and that's a year of your life wasted. What I'm trying to say is, I wish there was another way of getting through school/college/university.

Was it because of time or was it personal?

Friendship; something I would like to say we all cherish. Friends are people who we can talk to, laugh with, go out with and be ourselves around. They're not just the people you'll say "hi" to in the street or who you may sit with in a particular lesson, friendship is like a unwritten contract to another person. It doesn't need to be said because it automatically should happen. You don't lie to each other, try to harm one another or do anything morally wrong. Sometimes friends can turn into best friends and you may not even realize the change, just like we don't realize the change when someone is slowly drifting out of our lives. So what I want to figure out is, is it personal or is just time that makes us drift from our best/friends. From personal experience I have learnt people don't always stick around and within a year things will dramatically change, but there are few people who I like to call true friends which WILL stick around, I haven't got many of them but the ones I do have, I completely appreciate. So is it time that causes us to drift, just slowly seeing each other less and growing into different people, no longer sharing interests and hobbies, is it uncontrollable? Or is it all in out hands, do we chose who we want to stay close with, do we make a difference to who we are friends with in years to come? My best friend happens to differ from me in many ways but then we do share dreams and interests and through the whole nine years of our friendship, we've only ever had one 'tiff' being that because of boys and hormones and we were eleven years old. Now sixteen and seventeen, I couldn't imagine my life without her. Even when everything else seems hopeless and shit, I know I've got her to keep me standing. I don't necessarily tell her the insides of my mind, but I don't feel I have to.. I can have a worry or a concern but go to her & she'll take my mind away from it and reassemble the faith in myself to just be me. This proves to me that through pure care and love a friendship can withhold it's self. But it's take two.

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."

It's sad but it's true.

So I sit here night after night, telling myself to man the fuck up and be happy with who I am and what I've got, but I can't. Instead I dwell on how lonely i'm feeling, how unmotivated I am and how the only thing I look forward to is going to sleep or coaching. Why will I not wake up from this, I feel selfish and I truly want to stop it and all these stupid thoughts, but I can't. Just wish something would make it go away.

Do dreams mean anything?

So i'm sat wondering "Do dreams mean anything?" - that's a interrogative sentence may I add. (English revision is kind of taking over my brain right now so excuse the random out bursts of analyse) anyhow back to answering my question. So dreams resemble our thought processes, they are a way for our brain to make sense of our thoughts, almost like a filing system. Last night I had a dream about a friend who I had seen that day but my dream soon turned into a 'nightmare'. I was challenged to cross a long bridge; below this bridge there were train tracks and at the middle of the bridge it was broken leaving a massive jump from one side to the other. If you fell the chances were you'd be dead. So in my dream/nightmare I followed three of my friends across this bridge until I reached this part - the jump. I couldn't do it so I turned away but now suddenly what was a bridge was just handle bars made from a tree, I slipped and almost fell but managed to pick myself back up, once I reached the safe land I started to hallucinate, in my dream which sounds kind of crazy, it was almost as if I was having flash backs as well, I was seeing things in my dream which no one else was. My dads friend appeared who passed away a couple years ago, he was just there floating staring at me with a blank expression on his face. Then someone else appeared but I can't remember who it was as the image in my head is quite vague. What did all of this mean? I understood my friend was in the dream as I had saw him that day, but why the broken bridge and the train tracks? Why Leigh? Why the weird hallucinations and flash backs - this is what I don't understand. Something makes me think it is related to how i'm feeling, that I want to cross this bridge (revise & pass my exams) I want to succeed but there is something stopping me and I feel there is nothing I can do about it, accept turn around and give up; but as I'm trying to give up there is something stopping me, telling me I can't and I won't. So are dreams just the imagery of our minds? Do they represent our emotions?

Self Harm

This is a fragile subject, but not a subject too strange for the common teenagers of today's society. It's been said that we're in the most stressful times and at least 1 in 10 (estimate) of us will suffer from some kind of depression. Today as I was sitting in my lesson I turned to see a girls wrist, 3 vivid patches of cuts and then to the right a butterfly; this is a symbol I'm familiar with and is for a good cause. I first found it scrolling around my tumblr; my place to escape too! The butterfly is the symbol of self harm, to get peoples voices heard and to make sure people know they're not alone. But my question is, why do we self harm? Why do we hurt our beautiful bodies that we have been cherished with, we may not be someones idea of perfect but that doesn't matter, I truly believe each and everyone of us has a purpose which we should try and fulfill. So I did a bit of research..

2012 survey of young people showed that 86% of respondents said they had injured themselves, with over half saying they did it regularly.

It's sad how we let it build up, until it takes too much that we feel the need to take it out on ourselves and our body which we should be protecting not harming, leaving unforgettable scars. Here are just a few quotes

"Around friends and the public you may seem OK, but it's not like you want to go around looking depressed and feeling sorry for yourself," says JD, 17. "You feel different inside to how you show yourself on the outside and you do put on a bit of a front, so you can't just look at someone and say 'they self-harm'."

We feel that we should hide it and be ashamed of our true feelings, we act as rocks for others but let ourselves crumble. We feel people will look at us as we're different.. 'mental' not all there, people who self harm are no different and it's because of the 41% of young people who believe that self-harm is selfish and the other 55% who think that it is stupid that there is an increase in self harm. Don't let yourself or others destroy you, believe in yourself and remember you're never alone. Sorry if any of this has caused upset, but it is a strong topic which I believe needs to be solved or at least improved. and then this is what I found just by typing the word 'selfharm' into the search box, take a look for yourself.. http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/selfharm