The small things

It sounds cliche but it's true when people say that people always take the small things for granted. Moving away from home is really going to make me realise what I do take for granted. It's the hot water bottles my mum makes when i'm feeling unwell, it's the convenience of my best-friend living 5 minutes away, it's the little walks with my boy after work or waking up to my niece on a Thursday & Friday. It's her giggles and the words she comes out with. It's the random days where me & my sisters just click. Or the family banter on a Sunday. It's the cuddles with my cat every evening. It' the comfort of having a job and being able to afford things or the comfort of coming home to a cooked meal, although many times I don't eat it all or even touch it at all, it's always there. It's the short bus journey it takes for Khaled to get to mine. It's the small things. Soon I will really realise how much I'll miss these little things. Although I shouldn't be sad, i'm about to start a new adventure and although things may change, I know certain things will still remain. It's the strong relationships that truly help build your life. So all I can say is here goes nothing.

The Countdown

76 days and 6 hours until I go to University. 7 days and 22 hours until my holiday. A holiday without my parents, just with three of my closest friends. I'm so excited, however it doesn't feel real yet. None of this actually feels real. Even the idea that i've finished college doesn't feel real. I don't know where the last two years of my life have even gone! I'm 18, an adult. It just feels surreal. I don't know if I like it not. I don't think my mum and dad's expectations of me have really grown, but my expectations for myself have. I just expect myself to not be scared of anything, to not fear moving away, to go out all the time like everyone else. I want my holiday to come soo badly, but I know once that comes then that means I won't see my boyfriend for another 4 weeks as by the time i'm home he would have left to go away himself. So it's hard to be excited. I'm just trying to tell myself that four weeks is nothing. However I rarely listen to myself, well the optimistic side of myself. I'm half optimist, half pessimist. Normally the negative side wins. Although not always. Recently it has been vice versa and i've seen the good in most things. However you get days like today which seeing the good in things is difficult. But i'm writing this in a way to stop myself dwelling on negative things. The other day I felt I did something brave. To some people it's nothing but to me it's a step in the right direction. Some people know that I suffer from Paruresis, a phobia related to urinating in public toilets or even in the presence of others. You may laugh or maybe you don't really understand how this phobia exists but believe me it does, and it's horrible. It genuinely affects my every day life and stops me from doing various things, while everyones out getting drunk, i'm sat at home in bed. Most people can relax with their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends and not have to worry how much they drink because they might need a wee and if they can't go they'll be in pain. So then you get dehydrated, you get headaches, you genuinely just feel shit and what? All just because you have an irrational fear. 7% of the population may be paruretic. Then when people ask you what's the matter, you feel so embarrassed, then you explain and they tell you, you're being silly and that you should just 'learn to deal with it' or 'try harder', but don't these people think if it was that easy i'd be fine by now? The first time I realised something was wrong was in Majorca 2006, where I felt the most horrible stabbing pains in the bottom of my stomach. It hurt so much. Now university's around the corner I just want to get it sorted. I went to my doctors a year or two ago and he told me he'd never heard of it. So what do you think I did? I just tried to ignore it, I felt like a freak. I'd just try to make sure I wasn't in situations where it would occur. Therefore I'd drink less and not go out. I even tried almost teaching myself to get better. But that failed, some days i'd genuinely think i'm okay and actually getting better then the next day i'd be back to square one. So recently I visited the doctors again. I now have to book an appointment with Devon's depression and anxiety clinic for them to assess me I guess. The next step is actually picking up my phone and making the appointment. But i'm scared and i'm nervous, all I can think is what if it doesn't work? what if there is no solution? what if people just think i'm being stupid? But I can't think like this. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, all that matters is what I think and feel. So if you got this far thank you for reading.

Change

A few months ago getting away from here was all I wanted to do, going to University didn't seem like too much of a change, I didn't think it would be like this. I thought it would be a new start and everything here seemed a bit of a mess anyway so getting away would be for the best. But now suddenly everything has changed. Things have suddenly turned around, as you can tell I haven't been writing blog after blog about how I feel unhappy. No i'm not happy every minute of the day, but who is? I'm just glad, I've got what i've got. I have a family who I love - although at times we don't always see eye to eye and we may scream and shout, we have a relationship which I couldn't change for the world. Not everyone can call their dad a fucking twat and get called slut in return. The family banter makes my family, my family. We started off quite small, just me, my parents, my sisters and my nan and grandma. I now have practically two brother-in-laws, a 1 year old niece and a boyfriend of my own. And I love that. I also have an AMAZING best-friend who literally is like my life support, her mum & step dad are like my second parents and her house is my second home. We may never talk about all the emotional stuff but she will always be the one to make me smile and laugh and the one that truly cares! We've been friends for practically 11 years and I can't imagine living more than 5 minutes away from her. But by the end of this year 5 minutes will be more like 4 hours. I know it won't change our friendship and she'll always be my best-friend but it doesn't make it any easier! So hopefully she'll come visit me often when she's rolling in the money. But it doesn't stop there I don't have just one amazing best-friend. I also have my two other beautiful girls, who are always there for me! Whether it's sending crazy pictures/videos to one another or getting cushty with some cake and good tv! These girls are also my rocks. It's these people that i'll miss. It's these people that make this step that little bit scarier. I want the next chapter of my life to begin, but I don't want to leave this one behind. It feels like the exciting part has only just started. Although in my eyes University may be a new chapter but a new chapter which involves some people from the previous! It's just scary knowing that if all goes well in less than four months i'll be living in the big city of London! A dream which I thought wouldn't ever come true. It's thoughts like these which make me realise how precious the moments you have with people truly are, like my birthday on Thursday! Literally going to make the most out of every second! Spending it with all the people I love and care about. Aw i'm such a soppy twat. So my motto for everyone is just to appreciate what you've got because you'll only regret that you didn't when it's gone! So I spent time looking for a cute meaningful picture & ended up with this ahahaah

Door mat.

So you'll either read this title and think WTF is she writing about now or you're dumb enough to think I am actually going to spend my time writing about door mats. Either way you're stupid. Just kidding, I love you... so carry on reading. So while i'm sitting here 'resting up' I thought i'd do something a little more active, okay active isn't the word but i'm not about to sit here going through all the different words I know to find the right one. Sitting here scrolling through Facebook, I see people, people who were my friends, people who are my friends, people who I dislike, people who probably dislike me, people who I love and people who just don't bother. Through the past five years of my life, I have gone through stages. Times where I disliked myself, times I thought I wasn't good enough, times I thought no-one was good enough for me and times where I thought i'd never be good enough for anyone else. And it's because of these people, these people who treat others like a 'door mat'. The people who walk into your life, get you hooked and then one day just walk on out. The ones who can't be bothered, the ones who are just simply pricks and the ones where you never really found the answer. Why as people do we think we can play with other peoples feelings? Why do we stop bothering with others? Why does everything have to be done on our terms? We are selfish that's why. Human beings are selfish. We just have different ways of expressing it. Some of us, just act upon what will make us happy, others will act in a way that will make themselves and others happy. My point is why be so selfish? What do we gain? You treat someone like shit, they treat you like shit. It's an on going game which never really stops just dies out over time. A year can change everything. 365 days 52 weeks 12 months 1 year. At the beginning someone could be your best friend by the end they could be almost a stranger. I walk past people who were my best friends and I wonder if we were to talk what would we say? would it be awkward? would it be fine? would we argue? Or would it just be silent? But life is too short for what ifs. So for that reason, I walk by I smile and I get on with my day. The people who treat you like a door mat, aren't worth your time or thoughts. They waste your time and damage the person you are, so stop wasting your time and start making the most out of the people who are worth your time, the people who want to see you smile and laugh, the people who care.

Back on track.

Looking at my white board and realising this is my fourth week back at college since half term was a massive slap in the face. This week I have worked my ass off. Monday college, netball, coursework. Tuesday college, coursework, work. Wednesday worked all day. Thursday college, work. Friday college, coaching. Saturday working, meal. Sunday worked all day. I am shattered. However I don't have time to take a break, I need to keep going. My exams are just a few months away and I really do not want to muck up just because I couldn't be bothered, just because I felt tired. I want to make a change and I really want this week to be the week I make a difference. I know it's a long shot, but as I always say it's better to say you tried then you didn't. I'm fed up of feeling like this, just watching my future literally just fall apart because I'm not happy with myself. I need to make the change, I need to get back on track. I need to do something. Instead of letting everything just pass me by, which I'm awfully good at. This morning my mum said "Shannon you need to get 3 B's to get into Leeds don't you?" And I replied "Yeah I do" "Well do you think theres any chance you will" "Probably not" "So do you see any point going" At this point I actually felt offended, but why? All she did was agree with me and this is when I realised i'm not even trying, I have zero faith in myself that I'll do well in my exams and that i'll even go to university. So I turned around and said "YES, yes there is a point in going, I already don't like one I need to make the most of what I've been offered, if I never go i'll never know if it's worth pushing myself" "Okay thats fair enough, I was only asking because you know how expensive it is to get there, etc." In my head yes, yes I do. But it's my future. And well this is when it hit me, I need to focus on my college work and my future. It won't be easy, I know that and the chances of me succeeding feel very slim. However there is a part of me that's fed up of living like this person. I know theres other things I need to do, to make this change successful. Things that scare me. So one step at a time, but any progress is progress. If I can just make one baby step towards my goal i'll be happy. So happy. Things don't change over night, things take time. Right now, I have no self belief or confidence, i'm forever paranoid, forever in a swing from one emotion to another, I never feel content and I always feel tired, nothing ever feels good enough, I'm my own worst enemy. So here's my vow to change. Who needs new years resolutions to make a change right?

Excitement.

I'm bored. I want something exciting to happen. Something to look forward to. I always thought planning a holiday before going to university would be easy, no hassle just enjoyable. Oh boy was I wrong. Planning a holiday is sooo hard. You have to think about the people, the place, the dates, the cost, how long for blablabla. All I want is the beach, cocktails, my best-friends and the sun. Once thats booked I suppose I will have something to look forward to. I'm just bored of routine at the moment, wake up, get ready, go to college, go home, eat, sleep. wake up, go to work, go home, eat, sleep. It's just boring. I also feel like I need to remember a billion different things at once constantly and I hardly ever remember a couple of things let alone a bloody list. College is better than last year, don't get me wrong. I know longer do philosophy and I have one less subject so more gaps, I get Wednesdays off - but I work & this year I don't do any evening shifts at work. But at the moment college isn't enjoyable, two weeks behind in graphics, failed my first psychology exam & just feel like every lesson I can't concentrate and never take any information in, English my teacher isn't even there & we haven't covered half the stuff we're meant to of by now. Wow I could moan for England at this rate. ASDFGHJJK. I think I might just do that, as this is my blog so I can write about whateveerrrrr I like. I'm also tooo tired to write anything else, sleep it is. GOOD NIGHT, GOD BLESS.

Choice

Do we have free will or are we determined? Don't worry this isn't actually going to be a blog based on the subject of philosophy but it will definitely intertwine with some free will and determinism. Choice. Do we have the choice to do otherwise in every situation or are we predetermined? Is everything just a chain of events? We all like to think we could do otherwise for one reason or another, maybe it makes us feel less guilty or maybe it gives us reason in particular situations. Whatever the reason is if most people were asked "do you believe we have free will?" The most common response I believe that would come of this question is "yes, yes we do". Why is it that we can't handle the idea of our lives being out of our control or the idea that we just follow the lines that were drawn out for us? Many people say they could just get up and move away, but how many people do? Many people have dreams of being famous and successful, yet how many people do? Other times we say to ourselves why me. Why does this have to happen to me? Seems quite a selfish thought, but then again if you don't look after yourself then no one else will. Recently I have had a couple of these thoughts. Cancer is a bitch. Cancer should probably get cancer and die and leave everyone to be happy and lead joyful lives. But it doesn't happen like that. Two of my relatives have now been diagnosed with cancer in the past six months and it hurts. However close we may not be now, they will have always played a part in my life. What hurts the most is knowing that I’m living a life where I take people for granted. These two people I haven't seen for a year, since my great auntie died a few years ago, things changed. The Christmas visits stopped, the cards and the phone calls came to a halt. Slowly these people have disappeared from my life. And that hurts, it hurts a lot. Maybe this wasn't totally my fault, maybe I didn't or don't have complete control. But in a few months I will be 18, I don't have any excuses. I'm not a child anymore. If I want to do something I should just get up and do it right? We all know it's not that easy, we all know with each day of life there is a new barrier. I have only been on this earth for 17 years, what do I really know. But from those 17 years, I have learnt something or should I say learning as I'm not quite there yet. People come and go. Some people will shove you down and others will be there to pick you back up again. But you, you will always be there for yourself. Or so I hope. In every situation think about yourself, don't be selfish but don't lose self-respect. Don't lose ambition. Today I have realised there is only 11 weeks of college left and tomorrow I'm going to London for my first applicant today. Tomorrow is going to make everything become so real. This time next year I could be living in London or Leeds or Cardiff?! My life will have changed. I'm scared but I know in the back of my mind I’m doing the right thing, I want to experience life properly. I want do think I can do everything I've always wanted to. However is my life full of my own choices and decisions? Certain things seem out of my hands. For example my relatives, I don't know how much longer they have, I don't want to live in guilt, because I know they would never want me to. I want to make something out of myself, for those who have come before me. I may be scared now but if I don't try, I’ll never succeed and I’ll never know if anything I want in life was possible. So all I can say is do what makes you happy and prove to yourself that anything is possible if you just put your mind to it.

If you don't try, you'll never succeed.

I need motivation.

I'm sitting here and I've finally realised I'm lacking complete motivation. I've always found it hard to motivate myself and normally find myself trying to escape or hide away from decisions and jobs that need to be done. But I'm fed up. Life right now just seems so confusing. Everything seems like one big rushed decision. In the past few months I had to decide whether I was going to University this year and if I did where I wanted to go and what I wanted to study. I left it so late to decide. My whole life i've wanted to be successful, all I've ever wanted is to grow up and earn my way through life with a happy family. When you're younger you have these ideas of what would be your'dream job!' Here are just some of mine; I wanted to be a teacher, an actress, an illustrator, an author, a food taster (I liked food okay... don't judge) I thought I could be in the olympics and become a famous sprinter! I really liked that idea. I imaged myself being Kelly Holmes, who isn't even a sprinter! What an idiot. Even a famous netball player. Then I reached the age of 13 and I then came to like the idea of being a counsellor or psychologist. I wanted to help people. I wanted to help children and adolescents. This seemed like a great idea, I could earn good money and help people. The two things that I wanted most. But now i'm 17 and at the end of the year I possibly could be starting this journey. So why am I not motivated? Why am I not pushing myself? I thought this would be fun, exciting. But I'm not smiling. Is it that I'm just scared of moving away, is it because I've made a wrong decision or have I just got nerves. Each day just seems to pass so fast, all I want is time to think but I can't. I just constantly feel confused. Nothing ever seems like the 'right' decision. I need motivation. I need guidance. I need to do what makes me happy, what's right for me. And I need to decide now. All I can say is fuck of decisions, fuck off life.

Just a view

Well I haven't written a blog in a while and in the last few days I've really wanted to, so now is a perfect time. I'm not sure what I really want to write about, so we'll just see where it goes. Right now, I'm not sure how I feel. Not happy, not sad, not angry, not scared... maybe a little lost and a bit confused. But I am uncertain why. I suppose you could say I'm quite excited as tomorrow I'm seeing Plan B with my best-friends Tessa & Chloe & half term is only a few days away. Which I can't fucking wait for babbbby. My plan is work my ass off this week, then do NOTHING until I go back to college. Sounds amazing to me, but we'll see! So I suppose you may wonder why i'm feeling lost and confused? Or maybe you don't actually care. If so BYE. Otherwise keep reading and you'll find out. Well I suppose you could say it's because I'm not sure where i'm going with my life. I feel that the end goal is somewhat unachievable. How could I ever achieve what I've set my heart on. Years ago this year felt so far away, sometimes I didn't even think I'd make it this far. Going to College felt a distance, let alone finishing College and moving away to University. I can't imagine being without my Mum, my Dad, my sisters, my brother-in-laws, my niece and my best friends and even my pets. I can't imagine a Monday night without playing netball with the girls, driving home chatting to my parents having my hot chocolate and cuddling up with my cat. I can't imagine a week, where I wouldn't see my best-friend. Let alone months. I can't imagine a day without all these people who are just so constant in my life. I want to be successful and I want to have my own experiences, I want to travel and I'd LOVE to visit a third world country and actually give something back for a change, whether it's just interacting with them or teaching them to write. My dream would be to teach them the sport that I love. I would also love to have my own family or even just a strong relationship to share these dreams and goals with. Someone to motivate me and someone who I could motivate too. Someone who could be a part of my family! But the best things come to the people that wait, right?;D Two years later, shit all has came apart from head fuck after head fuck so whoever came up with that silly 'motive' to be patient when it comes to relationships can fuck off. :D Aw I'm friendly really, honest. I like to think I will be successful and shit will go my way. But without trying i'll never know. So this year will mean stepping out of my comfort zone. Putting myself out there and just seeing what I can actually do when I put my heart to it.

Your problem is how you are going to spend this one odd and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over people and circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.

Triggers

Literally I hate myself sometimes, how I let one thing just trigger a stream of emotions. One sentence, one word can just make me go from one extreme to the other. Why the hell do I have to be such an emotional bitch. Wish I could just be an emotionless twat, it just seems that everything would be easier then. Don't even know why I even feel like this. Asdfghjkl. Suppose nothing ever makes sense. Music is all I need right now.

Just one step at a time

So I sit here in bed knowing I should either be sleeping or revising, something more helpful then drinking a hot chocolate, writing a blog and watching tv. But lets face it, I'm not going to do either one of the first two things. Two days until my two exams and to be honest with you, I am NOT looking forward to that day at all:( But my best-friend text me last night/this morning with a very sweet text! I absolutely love that girl and with out her I would be so lost. She's always looking out for me, there's not many people who can say they have a best-friend and fully mean it. So I personally think I'm lucky to have found someone like her. I wish I didn't have two exams on Wednesday. I wish my memory was an awful lot better. I wish I could just ace this shit and not have to worry. Why can't I be the smart kid in the corner of the class? WHY. Shit would be easy then & I could get A's in my sleep. BUT no. I'm the unintelligent one who works their ass off for an average grade or even worse a fail. Nothing makes me more angry - okay that's a lie, lots of things make me angry. Easily pleased but also easily irritated. asdfghj to lazy to write anymore, bed time for me!!! Night xoxoxo To be continued after Wednesday:')

Doing it for myself.

So the title may sound quite selfish, but I've finally realised in life sometimes you have to do stuff for yourself as well as the people around you. And only recently since discovering this have I started to do more for myself. I was talking about College with a friend and she has the best work ethic ever. I've never met someone who could just spend all their free time revising, waking up early just to revise, taking a subject she didn't like just because she was good at it and that's all that mattered when it came down to it. I was envious. I wanted to be able to work hard, I wanted to get up early to revise. I wanted to do well. But I couldn't. I have an A* in procrastination but that isn't helpful at all, if anything very unhelpful. Then we discussed why we work. She responded I do the extra work and I take a course I dislike because I know it will be worth it in the end, one year of a subject I don't like is nothing compared to what it will get me. Which I realised was true. The only time I work is because 1. I don't want to fail - but not because I care about me, but because I care that much about what people think of me. Fail to me reads a big sign saying you fail this, you fail at everything and this is the sign everyone sees when they see me. So I thought. I always do my work but only at last minute because I don't like being in trouble and I don't want a guilty conscience. I always want things, but I expect to get what I want in days, weeks not months or years. So this is when I decided I need to work hard for me and me only. Since then I haven't gone a day with out revising which is definitely the opposite of how I was. It's funny how one conversation can have such a dramatic change on your day to day life.

Money

The thing we can't live without, we go hungry without money, we go without warmth & shelter without money, we work our ass off just to live. Just for the simple pleasures, because that's the control money has. My dad leaves the house the latest of half 7 every day & comes back at the earliest of 5 on a normal day he does this 6 sometimes 7 days a week, he's done this since he was young. He's done this for me & my family, just to live. When I was younger he fell of a scaffold and hurt his knee badly, what did he do, take ONE day off work & carried on the next day like nothing ever happened. Still to this day his knee will cause him pain, partially his fault because he didn't rest. But if he rested then who would pay the bills? Who would put the food on the table? For this I respect my dad. He is what you could call the typical 'man of the house'. Money can break a family, it can break a person. My dad is a self-employed builder, who has one employee. Lots of people can go home and leave work at work but not my dad. He will come home & still be working, pricing & looking at jobs with my mum. Contacting suppliers and loading his van for the next day. I admire my dad for being the hard working man he is, but I do not want to be like him. I don't want to work my ass off to get nothing in return, I don't want to be unhappy because I'm worried & stressed about work, concerned I won't be able to put food on the table or pay the bills. This is why I'm even more determined to go to University, to get into a good occupation, offering me a comfortable salary. Even at the age of 17, I'm worried and concerned about money. At the moment I have to get 1,609.26 out of thin air to pay for my car and that is definitely not a nice feeling to have. I know i'll get it sorted, a few extra hours here & there, cut back on spending my money on junk. But this is just a small scale of what my dad feels. I just hope once I go to Uni they won't have to worry paying out for their children, even though I know without a doubt they'll do their best to support me. Money isn't happiness but it definitely helps along the way.

What's next?

Starting a blog annoys me. Being a perfectionist makes it ten times harder. I literally could sit here for half an hour until I was actually 'happy' with the first sentence. But fuck it, let's just pretend i'm happy with it & carry on typing. So it's the 5th day into 2013. So I might be the only one who thinks this, but saying 2013 is weird. It just doesn't sound right or actually seem real. I feel so young. But i'm 18 this year and to me that is crazy. It seems silly but I never thought i'd make it this far, when I was younger I thought i'd never become an adult, I'd never get older & i'd never have to think or care about anything other than the colour of my paint or the next decent thing on tv. But this year is full of decisions! A year of growth and change. By the end of this year I could be living in Cardiff or London? Not a little county in the South West. I don't want to wish the year away but I know the next 12 months will just feel like a blink of the eye and I'm scared. Really scared. I will feel lost with out my friends, my family, my job, my routine. Every day I wake up & I know what I need to do college, netball, work, friends... it's just so normal and every day. No big surprises. It's easy to a point. I do want to take risks; I do want to experience more. But sometimes more than anything I want a person to experience it with. I have a small family but within my family everyone has 'someone' and for the past 5 years, I have always been the baby, the one everyone takes pity for because they have no-one. My eldest sister is happily married & has her first child and my middle sister is engaged & is about to celebrate graduating university. Then there is my Mum and Dad love each other through thick and thin, drive each other up the wall but always come out smiling. Then there's me. The one who invites her best friend to a family meal because she doesn't want to be alone, the one who sits with her cat in the evening like a old crazy cat lady! I'm not saying I want to be married or have children now, but I would like this year to bring me something more. But we shall see. Enough of the soppy shit. Plans for this year apart from obviously meeting my prince charming and riding away on white stallion and becoming a billionaire and a famous actress. And curing cancer. So they're the obvious. I'm also planning on passing my exams, going to university, seeing Plan B & hopefully Professor Green, going to London (If I don't go to the theatre this year; I will fucking cry! Just sayin') Celebrate my 18th & my dad's 50th! Hopefully visit the new baby Pedrant and just enjoy every bloody moment with my closest friends! That is all. Love you all.. Oh wait not you. I hate you. Just kidding, you're my favourite baby.

The photo has no significance, but what the hell I love dogs. Especially dogs this fucking cute.