I don't know what to say anymore because I feel like I should put myself on repeat because know matter how many essay's I can send you, no matter how many long talks and girly days out together your still hurting, your still fighting to put on that brave face which I know you have. I never thought being 15 would be this hard.. I suppose when your little you don't really understand anything other then food family presents school and colouring in the lines of a picture. It hurts to read some of the things I have read to know that it wasn't just me feeling this pain which I would never in my life wish on anyone. It hurts knowing I can't do anything because whatever I do is barely touching the surface of helping you. I know your not the only one having your down days either.. why does it have to be you? why do you have to suffer? I don't even care what I go through anymore because right now it's not important to me.. it just isn't. I want YOU to be happy and I want you to smile but mean it not just because you feel you have to.

sitting in a crowd of people feeling so alone, lying in bed and your mind is just tiking over and it's not stopping it doesn't until you look at the clock and it's 3 o'clock, your defence is breaking, your smile is fading and the tears are streaming down your face and you look in your reflection you feel sick to the stomache and then you sit down and curl yourself up, telling yourself this will all go away.. days pass.. weeks pass.. even months and you come back to this place again and it hasn't gone away it only feels worse and you don't understand what's happening to yourself. slowing loosing every reason to try, every reason to live. So you come to this stupid sollution and you think it's going to sort your every problem until you look at reality and realise you couldn't be more wrong. remember those walls you built well there all tumberling down and everythings one big blurr. But your not alone, trust me.. take my hand and I will look after you, i'm no angel but I am your friend and nothing can stop the need of protection I feel I should give you and how much one friend can make a difference, i'm no fresh face, i'm no different to any other person but I promise you... once i'm in your life, I'm always gonna be there.

hello..

well hello blogger.. to be honest i don't really know what i am about to write about but i suppose lets just see what comes up in mind. So whats new in the life of shannon? um nothing.. apart from my lovely christmas presents! oo and i'm now on tumblr.. which is where i like to share my small little thoughts as well as on here of course!:).. http://cookie-monster2010.tumblr.com/ It's the christmas holidays at the moment and i should have done a lot of revision for my two exams coming up! but i am just so exhausted and fed up with the thought of exams i suppose it's pushed me the other way but I am going to push my self to do some at least every other night! AND that is going to be a challenge. What else has been on my mind.. well the thought of a new year! a new beginning.. a chance to move on with my self. i'm sixteen next year, i leave school, i start college, its a big year for me, for me and my friends. it's not going to be easy but i am sure i will get through it! i got through this one didn't i and the one before! Funny how fast time flies when you think about it.. a whole decade has gone by, ten years since i lost my great nan but i can still remember it like yesterday, alots changed since then. I've grown up a lot, things have changed. Christmas for example.. it's not just me mum dad my sisters and my gran and my nan.. its bob bill and the other. No but seriously, it's not like it was. And sometimes i feel being the youngest sister i have to grow up quicker.. which isnt all bad but i do miss having the special christmas's and just being us five.. but it's never us five. when again will it ever just be us, my family that i remember. Yes i complain about them and we don't always get along great but sometimes that's all i really want. But i'm not gonna start getting down about it got enough to worry about then being selfish(: It's weird really how someone like me can be such a ray of sunshine but can be so dark.. sometimes i dont really understand my self but i suppose i like to be a mystery.. i was reading about my star sign on this website .. http://www.exploreastrology.co.uk/PersonalityTraitsTaurus.html & alot of i belive is true.. sorrry i am too lazy to share anymore.. g'night:)

AND another blog.

So I feel like writing you a little blog, after a long last week of school! From Math's quiz's to anylzing poems and playing dodgeball. Well after doing so much anylyzing in the past month of poems & plays, I suppose I have that mind set switched on. Yesterday I got a little present from my friend, we're not like best friends but she has been there for me this year and is one of those people who brighten your day. She got me a little cute candy stick with a home made braclette saying 'JUST BE YOURSELF'



Which to be honest really brightened up my day and then when I go home from school I started thinking what did it mean? Did it mean, just being me is fine don't let anyone else tell you different or did it mean stop trying to be something your not just be yourself. Personally I would hope it's the first one, because one thing I try not to do is be something i'm not. I don't go out drinking at the weekends and smoke with my friends. I have stupid little sleepovers and munch out on rubbish while being exstreamly immature, you could say that's sad you may do the same yourself, but one thing I know is that's what I love to do.

But today my other friend came up to me, one of the people who you talk to in class but not really out of school and she gave me a card and inside the card it said

Don't be afraid to smile,
On life's uncertain way,
It may be the only sunbeam,
In someone's dreary day.

Dont be afraid to smile,
On lifes uneven track,
One little smile from you,
And many are smiling back! :)

So after thinking about my first little present I started to think of the meaning of this little poem she had wrote for me inside the card. She said to me that day, that I was the hardest to write about and I didn't no whether that was good or bad? First of all it made me smile to think me smiling could actually brighten up someone else's day and then it made me think has she seen into me and can she see the saddest behind my smile. Or that I don't smile enough and I should because it's beautiful like a sunbeam and can make a change to someone else's not so perfect day.



But the past few days have been rather awesome.. town, pizza, ice-cream, snow, laughing, face masks, bestfriends, sledging, sleeping, wii, chatting and being a complete fool. Here are just a few pictures ..



me and the gorgeous georgie.. my sexy new hat & my lush cookie monster jumper, oo & don't forget the fit geek glasses.



so it's cutting and blatchford looking mighty fine, we're just a tad nutty, but NOTHING to worry about, honest.



it's the next JEDWARD.. it's chloe and shannon. yes we may be a tad strange but atleast we have fun!:)



professional sledgers for the win!

when you start to miss me, remember i didnt run, i didnt even walk away you let me goo..

don't look at the glass half empty look at it half full!

i miss being with you but at least you cant hold me back now.

no i'm not over you, but no longer am i crying every night for you to be with me.

so i love you, so i'm not over you yet and i still think of you every day with out fail, so you come up in every conversation i have with out thinking about it, so everything you said you didn't really mean, but things change, people move on and people lie and tears never die.

newyear 2009- one to remember.
newyear 2010 - hopefully not just one to remember, but to be a ever lasting unforgetable night.

i sing when i can't, i take pictures when i look silly, i moan when i shouldnt, i'm neggative when i should be possitive, i give advice i dont take, i hate change, i hate smoking, i go bed to late, i eat whatever i want, i get moody over the stupidest things, i love when i should move on.. but one thing i want to do is to live just because i can. so let go, live on and enjoy the moment, because we're so lucky and we never can be grateful enough for it.

tears drop, words echo, hearts break, people fall, lips smile, memory lives, how much do we take and how much do we give.




i would love to say i did this but i didnt its awesome! <3

tears

I'm as delicate as a flower, but as strong as a soldier.
The darkness comes and the streams fall, i am quiet, as quiet as one young girl can be. The music forever plays around my head, words echoing as i sit upon the solid floor. In my head i see a door slam & it locks and I try my best to find the key but it's disappeared and it doesnt want to be found, then I look to the other side and there's a door open with a light shining through, but this door's not fully open only a few centre metres but soon the wind will blow and the door shall open, i am sure. So you can hide it, you can lock it in, but it will find its way out.. trust me it will.

off to read my book 'just listen'

night night bloggger!

Walking up my hill, thinking as I go, the past, the present, the future. I miss so many things but I know there my past, I am scared of so many things but I know it’s my future, but the present you can't miss it, you can't be really scared of it because it’s always happening, it’s not like you can pause your life just before someone dumps you, just before someone walks out on you.. so I don't know what I think about it, I’ve been feeling the urge to write a blog recently but been putting it off because well I don't know what I really want to say, do I rant on about how things aren’t perfect, do I go on about my wants and hopes and I suppose this blog is a bit of both but I suppose I’m not bothered by it. when I walk up my hill different things go through my head, but today I looked into a memory, a memory of a person, who I miss and who I can't ever see again. Then I thought of someone else, someone who could see, but the feeling of missing them feels the same. I've lost this person and I can’t get it out of my head. When you lose someone completely, when they finally leave you for that place we call heaven you feel lost and it just feels like you haven’t seen them not that its actually impossible to see them and with you I feel the same, I know it sounds stupid but it's true... one thing i know is that when i was with you i felt important, i felt wanted and now too you i'm not, i'm not the person you'd care about if i lived on the other side of the world, or if i broke down into tears, because you wouldnt even know because we don't talk. Do you even know how badly I want to talk to you, to run up to you and say I miss you, to hug you and just not let go, but that's not going to happened it couldn’t. A month's passed, yes I am that sad to count... and well i feel the same as i did when i first felt this way for you. I don’t want the hugs and talks of its going to be ok or chin up there’s plenty more fish in the sea, because there could be a billion other people but not another you, no one would understand the little jokes we had together because there not me or you. It's silly really how I am so caught up on you, it was like I said yesterday I was reading my diary about my ex and how I said I could never get over him.. But I did, we're not very close but I’m over him but me and you, we were just different. I don't regret it, I just sometimes wish I could be friends with you, without this hurt I’m feeling.

Sometimes people look at me and they think they understand me but to me I feel they don't they don't know what’s been through my mind? No one really knows you do they? Why do we as people not like people thinking they know us? What is it that we have against it? Is it we prefer to be a mystery, to have the option to change, because life is just one big changing opportunity? No one can stop you from being like one thing one day and totally different the next. No one has control over you. I, myself, like to think of myself as someone’s whose kind, funny and unique but also can be extremely sensitive and my moods can change from the tiniest thing being as sensitive as I am. I try my hardest to make every opportunity I have work, I hate liars, I hate people who look down on others but most of all I hate hurting the people around me or seeing them hurt. There's nothing you can do but sit there and just keep trying giving the best advice you have, which most of the time you don't even take yourself. You sit there and you look at them wanting to hurt the person who hurt them, wanting to make their dreams come true, but you can't and it frustrates you, and you don't want them to feel bad for you, you don't want to dump your stupid problems on them, when they’re going through a time where they feel like giving up. This year I’ve learnt a lot from myself, I hate taking risks and I hate being out of control being why I don’t like taking risks, I’ve found how emotionally depressing I can get but I’ve found someone inside me who is strong and can take on whatever is thrown at her, someone who can hurt but someone who doesn't want to put their self first.

This year is coming to a end and I don’t know what to think, I have met someone so amazing at the start of this year to lose them, I’ve lost some best friends who I thought I couldn’t live without, I’ve lost someone who I thought would always be there who I thought was strong enough to get through it but I’ve had some laughs, I’ve had some amazing times when I’ve been so happy I have just buzzed around the room and couldn't stop smiling, I’ve been on holiday with my best friend, I had a boy who treated me amazingly who made me smile by just being with them, I’ve had my best friend come running when I’ve been in tears, I’ve had my best friend listen to me go on and on when surely they would just rather me shut up, I’ve done the most stupid things and I suppose that’s life. One big bundle of advents. I am looking forward to next year, but I am scared as well, I finish school, I start college, I turn 16, I finish my gcse's but why be scared? If I make each day worth it, see the good in the bad and be myself, what more can I do?

lyrics
I saw us break, I watched us fall, it made no sense to me at all, you say you will but then you don’t, so I’m gonna take this step alone. - the words state how I feel, I know it’s over now and I know you don't want to know anymore, so I’m going to take this step, this step alone, this step to move forward.



I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

He was my best friend, I tried to help him
But he traded everything for suffering
And found himself alone - I know it’s over but I still miss you it’s not the same, our friendship isn’t what it was.

Basically all I want to do is be able to cope about my past, to look back and laugh, not to look back and cry, 2010- a year which can't be forgotten for the good and the bad. Each day a new page, a choice, a chance to make a change.

But one thing I should mention is friends have played a big part this year and I’m sorry I’m not the amazing friend I wish I could be but thank you for being there and whenever you need a Shannon like me I will be there, through whatever.

lost would be not knowing where you are, i know where i am, i just hate it here and i hate what it does to me.



Weeks can pass but you can still wonder why? Taking day by day as they come, you’re stuck in this frame of mind and you’re trying everything to get pass it to fight it.

I'm just a girl, with lots of fears, so little time and bundles of tears.

Too strong, to give up. Havn't seen the end of me.

a step in the right direction..

each day i take a step, a step higher, slowly reaching even ground. things are getting better not easier. i am learning that in every situation, theres always something good you can focus on. i dont like being sad, so i'm not? i havnt cried in over a week and for me that is the biggest achievement i have had in a long time. i dont enjoy sitting alone and wishing for my life to be easier, i prefar laughing and smiling, don't we all? but if we all do prefar that, why do we choose to let our selves drop to a level that it feels impossible we cant get off of? i'm no better then anyone else and i would never upset someone intentionally but sometimes people dont no when enough is enough.

we take alot for granted with out realising, we make ourselves feel worse without even knowing so, today a man came into school to talk to my year group about maximising achievment and when i first heard about it i was like yes..:) i am looking forward to it and then someone said it was rubbish so my want.. dropped. but then i was like if i go in with a open mind i will find out for myself and tbh i am very glad i did. it was an inspiration which inspired me to write a blog actually but as i started one last night i thought well i shall add to it..

every one person has a dream, every one person is going through the same thing ...life. sometimes as people we feel sorry for ourselves either because we're having a bad day or somethings not quite going right, but thats just the facts of life. with out the bad things we wouldnt be so greatful for the good.

only,one person can change your life, you

i like to be different, i like to stand out from the crowd, to be unique to shine in my own way. i have a few dreams which i would like to follow and i suppose the process starts now, today. everything seems impossible untill its done. but why dont you give something new a try? why dont you take a step out of your comfort zone, see what you can do.

my favourite things in life.. the people i share my life with, my animals,coookies, new clothes, shopping, the cookie monster, getting into bed when i am really tired and just falling asleep, writing, acting, netball, having long chats with people & realising how lucky i have it, fooood, feeling good about my self, the feeling of being loved and cared about by someone other then my family, meeting new people and instantly feeling like you have known them for years, dancing too music like a idiot, making people smile, watching and helping people go from down to low, looking through old pictures, being appreciated, doing well in school, acheiving, setting goals and meeting them, running as fast as i can for no reason, laughing so much i cry, being snuggled up to the person you love and just not wanting to let go, being held and to be told your loved, singing to music, going out with my friends and just having a laugh with out having to try, looking through old pictures, the feeling of someone looking up to me.. so theres so many things i love in the life.. so surely they can over come the bad.. so this is my step, my step in the right direction.

come dine with mee babbeh.

Well last night i stayed at my friends house for our 'Come Dine With Me' hehe. we are cool i know(: but i will start just before then.. well first of all me & my lovely friend had netball.. which i love, but we were playing each other so I wasnt really looking forward to it, but my team played really well even if we lost, was very proud and very HOT. soo then we pondered out the front of school and i got a letter and i was thinking oh damn.. academy letter, which is netball trials but right now i dont have the time for them but i opened it to find a £25 pound check for me for helping out with netball!:) so i was a very happy chappy.. moneeey ££££. so.. we drove to georgias house in my sexy car.. then we had our showers.. LUSH shower i may add(: so then i got ready (got to wear my new booties.. that made me happpy) soo.. i put on my sexy knitted grey tights with my black legwarmers and grey and black dress and put on the booties & did my hair & makeup :D then waited for georgia to be ready .. ohh & georgie came over first tooo. then miss B took us to the Carters house which i was very nervous about but when i got there i seemed to be fine(: Matt cooked us beef casserole with roast potatoes and carrots and brocolli and sticky toffee pudding for desert which was good, even if he didnt think so i thought so!:) then we went upstairs and watched a film which was verry good but i was tired.. so managed to fall asleep:( :L after the filmm we were just chatting casually and i fraped Matt which to be honest made me laugh rather alot. ha i am sorry this is quite a s*itty blog but tbh i just dont no how to write about it.. basically i had a lovely time and i cant wait until its my turn.. got it all planned out (A) little christmas crackers, a noooooice roast, hot chocolates and just a load of laughs.. anyhow i dont no what to say so i am gonna stop until i get some inspiration! <3

36 blogs later..

11th november 2010

Well 36 blogs later and a lots gone on.. not all so positive, but then sometimes i think i take for granted what i have. i don't really appreciate it until its gone. so i was thinking last night about a quote which came from the heart and head.

When you reach a place when you feel the only option is giving up, don't. Stand and be strong, remember through every dark patch the light will shine. Appreciate what you have, while you have it. Live for today, not yesterday. Create the unthinkable, be who you truly are.

today was a day i wanted to remember, today was meant to be a day that was special. today was the day that me and my ex boyfriend would have been together for 6 months. but instead it was a day for thinking about what i don't have and about the people fighting for my country. today i did not cry, i did not let myself get low, because sometimes things happen which you cant control and sometimes not everything is meant to be how much it may feel it could last forever. no one can understand how one may feel they can only try. so many people in worse situations then myself, which i think has helped the tears. My friend once said love scars, but the scars make the person you are today. Which i suppose is very true. Yesterday when i was watching Pride of Britain awards, i thought to myself.. if a small boy can fight cancer twice and still come out the other side with a smile on his face and a 12 year old girl can save childrens lifes in a fire, then simply being me is not all that hard. In the past two years i have changed because of the dramatic changes i have experienced, i have had to say good bye to 4 people i care about and 2 animals and nearly lost another. i have gained and lost best friends, i have been lied too, I've been stabbed in the back, i have been dragged along, i have been heart broken. but each person can make a list of what they've been through and how much pain they are feeling but not many people can get back up again and stand strong and actually accept whats happened and get on with there lives. many people will hold grudges, many people will plan revenge, many people will sit and cry but i don't want to be one of those people, i want to be someone who can smile through every thing that's thrown at them.


falling in love brang us so close, too only push us apart. one year can turn your life around to turn it straight back again.





sitting with no emotion, thoughts going through your head.
feeling exhausted and tired as you sit upon your bed.
reaching out for happieness, trying to catch that smile.
you wait and think, is this someone testing me, am i on trial?
your walking through the dark days, searching for the light.
your confused of how you feel and your chest is feeling tight.
turning to the mirror, you look at yourself, in shame, in dissapointment..
you see you loosing yourself again.

my next blog is going to be about something a little different :) so i hope this was ok for tonight, night bloggers :)

I am sitting here trying to explain myself why I am here? Why this has to happen. Telling myself how I feel over and over, how nothing seems to get better, how something, someone has to knock me down while someone else is trying to pull me up. I don’t know how to explain myself I have so much I could say but it just won’t come out. I’m hurting and I can’t concentrate, I don’t want to eat, I feel sick, I’m scared, I can’t sleep properly, I can’t even sit down without all these bad thoughts coming to my head I keep trying to push it out, I keep telling myself this is all one bad dream and soon you’re going to wake up and you’re going to be fine and you will be laughing because none of this has happened. These past two years will disappear and anything bad will be gone only the good memories remain. But as one door closes one shall open as the saying goes... but my doors are closing but none opening. I feel like slowly I am being shut in the dark with only a small window of light to light me up, to guide me through. you said you loved me, you said you would help me all the way, pick me up and you will always be there but I feel like I have just been shoved to the ground however many times you can ask for my friendship how many times you can say sorry it doesn’t stop this pain, there just words and they can’t stop these horrible feelings that I feel. They can’t stop the tears that I cry day by day... or the thoughts of getting away from it all, or when I am sitting here missing you not knowing what to do with myself because everything just gets me thinking. I don’t enjoy being alone, because all I can do is think... and I don’t like it... really am I a sad person... I love to smile and I love to laugh even more, the simplest of things can make my day but the simplest of things can make it come crashing down. I just want you to be here next to me, saying Shannon I will always be here when you need me and when you’re feeling the tiniest bit bad tell me and I will
be there, whether it’s to just hug you or to wipe your tears I will be there, I will be that somebody. but that not going to happen and to accept that I don’t know how long it’s going to take, right now it feels impossible but doesn’t everything when you’re scared and confused.. The smallest thing can seem like the tallest mountain, the simplest word can make your stomach feel as if it’s turned inside out. I know it’s only been a day... but I knew over a week ago so why isn’t it getting any easier, why is my stomach still turning or why eyes still filling why is my head still got all these thoughts on repeat, why cant I just go to sleep wake up with my head high and get on with my life, why are all these things holding me down. I am just so tired of pulling myself back of the ground, and telling myself how stupid I am being, I just want to sit there until someone grabs me and just pulls me up. I know my friends are trying so hard and I know they just want me to be back on top, but right now I just can’t do it, I can’t make that climb.. And then just to add to it the whole thought of school just hurts my head. I have a maths reset in two weeks and yes I have been revising I’ve been going to the extra classes I’ve been offered but I know I haven’t been doing my best because I can’t, I’ve lost all focus, I was sat in English today trying to write my essay on Romeo and Juliet, one of the hardest essays we have to write.. And it covers some of my coursework for English and English lit... but still I sat there complaining to my friend how shit I feel and I just couldn’t do it. Then in January I have my environmental land based science exams, with my science resits, with my graphics resits and something else... I think, and I am just so scared that everything will get to me and I will muck up and I won’t get a second change and the course I want to do in college I won’t be able to do. I want to go college but yet I am so scared to make that big step, I don’t know what I want to take and I am scared to pick anything because I am scared of the pressure or stress it will course.. I love drama, so much. But I am too scared. I am just one big mess and well... I just want it to fuck off to be honest. Sad - angry - unhappy - scared - lost - lonely - heartbroken - stuck... but I wrote this blog to get it all out... to move on from it all. to find the strength inside me to stand up to myself and push myself out of this dark place where I have got myself because I am not helping myself I know .. The first step in life is to admit when you’re unhappy and to not keep it locked in but to let it out and to be honest with yourself and the people around you... if it means crying cry, if it means screaming scream. Because sometimes the only person who can pick you back up is yourself and you just have to be strong enough to do it, because the only way you can move forward is to let go of the past and let yourself enjoy what you have.

I was scared of loosing you but now I have what is there to be scared off?

Thank you so much to my best friends who have came running when I have needed you or been there for a hug or just gave me the confidence to smile, thank you for putting up with me when you properly could just hit me and I hope you will always be there for me. Because I will always be there for you no matter what. I love you guys and without you this would feel all so much worse.


So be proud of who you are, because no body can be as good as you at YOU.

Thank you blogger <3

you can talk to loads of different people about the way you are feeling but still feel the same. you can go over the same thing in your head for three days straight but still feel lost and confused. your losing sleep and your stomache hurts.. you feel like you could be sick, but you dont want to. you can cry but it still hurts. but you cant escape the crying. you feel like just sleeping for weeks.. because your so exhausted of whats happening. you dont like the feeling and you want to get away. nothing you do.. makes anything better, the things you thought would reassure you, dont. some people are there for you.. they really try to help others the ones you expect to be there.. act like they've just had enough of you. i'm scared, i'm nervous, i'm angry, i am fed up. i dont want it to end, but my head keeps telling me different. that each day is closer to me losing you. i know your fed up with me.. but i just wish you would just stop dragging me a lone and just let go. because i am hurting and all i wanna do is escape. i just wanna keep running and running and never stop. people tell me none of this is my fault.. but i cant help but think it is. why would it happen so many times for it not to be my fault, surely i am doing something wrong somewhere. always the people closest to me. tbh the half term is meant to make you feel better get to see people and rest.. but mine always end up being half:) & half :( i dont like showing me sad.. because tbh who likes being sad? cant say i do.. its not nice to see your friend upset, you just wanna pick them up and put them back on their feet. so i try my best to not get upset in front of friends i try my best to hide it, to make it easier. not just for me but for them.

walking along a road, long, bumpy, dangerous, scary but all meant to be worth it. beat your fears, do the unthinkable and be who you want to be, looking at it the second way sounds incredible.. but when you step back and take a look at real life it aint that easy. i suppose if you have the people then it makes it easier.. but when the people turn on you thats when it becomes hard, or should i say harder. i dont really feel like trying anymore these past 4 days i have felt even more drained then i did when i was at school, i would say i need a break but i have just finished my half term.. maybe keeping busy is better for me? i dunno anymore. but i cant take it. i dont have anything to write anymore because all i do is write the same stuff over & over in a different way.. i have so many questions but no answers, so many worries so many fears, that everything seems so hard. evening being me.. the only thing that keeps me going is putting a smile on someones face, watching them laugh at me with me.. either, my mum and dad are planning a weekend away soon, i kind of feel like deleting every contact i have with anyone, just to start fresh and to see if i am worth anything to anyone. if i wasnt here would i be missed.. just a girl in the past, someone who you could use, some one you could hurt and you'd feel ok. because you never really let yourself care.





walk. walk away. shut down.

bedblog.

step by step i take each day. no more do i ask for much. a smile a day will do me. because a smile is better then none. i dont know why i still think about the past but i get i'm finding it hard to move on. not knowing where i belong. people who you call your best friends.. are just not anymore. then theres nothing you can do about it. because that was the past and everythings changed. no matter how much they tell you they care, you cant believe them. because you've lost trust in everyone but yourself. not purposely, not meaningfully. but because you get hurt, you get walked over until you deside letting anyone else in will just hurt more. so you sit, look back at what you had and cry because you no longer do. in ways its for the best but it doesnt stop you missing it, it doesnt stop you from getting jealous or wanting to relive the memories. then to add to that i dont think you care.. these past weeks just seem like i've lost you. i keep trying, but i dont think you notice. maybe you dont do it on purpose, but when did that ever stop something from hurting? i dont enjoy feeling down all the time and i dont enjoy anyone taking advantage of me using me for someone to lean on when they've hit rock bottom. few months left and schools over. all these memories, fanished, start fresh. if only every day could be a new day, so you could refresh as much as you wanted. but sometimes you have enough of being sad and instead of the streams of tears, you get the one or two which hold it all inside. when i write i dont really think, it's just the first lot of mumble which comes to my head. i love to write, i'm not that good but i find it interesting to read over and its a easier way of telling someone how you feel. soo.. its 1.16 and tbh i should be asleep, but i cant. meant to be doing a heck load of coursework tomorrow but at this rate i am gonna be to tired, i suppose i should try to sleep and not get upset. good night blogger, thank you for being there(A)

exhausted

So i am completely exhausted & my feelings are raw. any little thing that happens is effecting my mood. the stupidest things, even when i know someones joking & i dont understand why.

when one thing goes up the other down. then when something good comes along i am already pushing it away. well i feel like i could be. why do i have to be so sensitive? why do i have to care about every little thing.

its been months now. these stupid thoughts never leave my head. over and over. no escaping. because no one could understand, because i couldnt begin to explain. i want my mind to rest but it doesnt, until i go into this foolish overdrive mode. where i could scream & hit/kick anything i see. then when i try to cover it up, i begin to make myself look like somekind of fool. everything i do messes up.

then suddenly the people who are meant to make me feel better just add to it. make me feel more of an idiot. so i dont no what i am meant to do with myself.. because i'm not the only one going through crap. so sitting back & just watching it happen suits me best. because theres nothing else that can be done.

all i reallyy feel like doing is erasing the past 2 years & starting them fresh. because thats where i fell & i'm still falling now. some days i feel as if i'm getting myself back up other days i feel like its happening all over again.

you can forgive & forgive & forgive but if you cant forget then thats when you become to realise you havn't really forgiven.

people walk in & out your life all the time, but sometimes you have to try & figure out who the ones are worth caring about. i've had people walk over me, more then once & tbh what hurts the most is helping someone then them basically slapping you back in the face with it. like you did nothing for them. time after time.. it happens but i never realise there not genuine and there not there to stay.

ahhh just makes me angry.

so .. i cbb to say anymore just not in the mood.

why?

why is it when i am slowly getting to grips with things and accepting that you've moved on that i'm not needed anymore.. that suddenly you want me back. why is it when i finally pick up the courage to accept that i am no longer something to you.. that its all suddenly so different. its like i am happy but i'm not.. was the present you go me a symbol of remembering what we had but you were moving on? was it just showing how much you care or did it have no meaning. i just dont understand, how or why it happened.. we were so close like brother & sister. i told you alot of things that i wouldnt dare tell anyone else. i had a lot of trust in you, would want to be there for you though anything, i really thought we would get over our rough patch after all that stuff happened.. but i guess i felt pushed away more then anything & i suppose you could just say i let you go, but slowly day by day i saw you less until we just didnt speak.. i said sarcasticly ha see you in 5 weeks, but on the inside just wishing you would turn around and say to me dont be silly shannon, you will see me sooner then that, your not getting rid of me that quickly. but you didnt. nothing like it. a week passed, & you felt better you said sorry & i felt a bit better just hoping we would be alrite(yn) but things werent amazing shall i say.. losing someone else already & i didnt wanna lose you, but now shes gone. shes moved on, probably for the best. but you, it was different. i tried to make it obvious i wanted to see you, i even tried arranging something but you were to busy, to busy for me. i dont no if i just took it the wrong way..i dont no if you didnt mean to hurt me, but it did. i just felt like i was dropped & hit rock bottom. then realising you hadnt just moved on & got a girlfriend which tbh i was very happy for you, you had moved on & got a new best friend. & you could say i had bestfriends too.. but i tried to make sure you new you werent being replaced. we went back to school.. first day fat hug. my thoughts; its all gonna be ok.. but is it, does he need me really? am i anything special. no. few weeks passed the smiles fanished.. walk past each other as we didnt no one anothers names. it just didnt seem right.. so night after night i thought about it, never understanding where it all went wrong? then i came down ill only for a week, it was strange.. didnt no what it was, i thought it must have been stressed related because nothing else showed up, & i guess i felt myself breaking. the person who was always the smiling, strong person was letting her true sensitive fragile person show. everyone was really kind about it though, asking if i was ok, telling me to take it easy. but you, you didnt even know & some nights i just felt like walking up to you & saying what happened, because i miss you & i need you, i'm sorry i really am. yay here the tears come hay. but suddenly i dont no whats happened i finally tried getting myself around the fact things change.. its year eleven & i just have to focus on myself & school. but you started talking to me, i couldnt ignore you, i didnt want to. i felt happy but confused. we've been so much surely this little thing shouldnt be that hard for me to get over. but i guess, i've changed & it all got to much. now just left confused & not really knowing what to do next.

i am sorry.

a updatee.

um just found this hope its ok, havnt read over it so feel free to read(:

so.. thought i would give you alittle up date on me. not to entertaining but i dont care hehe. dont no where to start.. hmm. well on the upside i went to the docs & i got all my tests back & i am A OK. well i said i am just one of those girls that faintt:/ which was nice & helpful! so i just have to make sure i drink & eat appropiately:/ even thou i eat like a pig & drink well i should drink some more(A) mum thinks it was stress & so do i:/ dad was like its because of your performance but to me that wasnt the only stress i was feeling. but the performance is over!:) & i think it went pretty well tbh:D what else.. ohhh i had off roading this weekend which waaaas AHHH just .. WOOO:D going around on my quad just listening to music shutting it all out! but on the down side..
i'm still not feeeling on top yet:/ & its always the people who say they're gonna be there for you when your feeling crap, the people who say they know you! but really dont know no you at all.. because when you unhappy they make you feel worse.. or even when your happy they make you so angry you could just scream & cry. just annoys me though because i dont no any way of going around it anymore without hurting myself more.. i get angry so quickly.. the smallest thing just can trigger it off.

it hurts when someone walks out on you, replaces you & then the next thing you no everything is meant to be 'fine' & whatever happened didnt to them, what do you do then? when you care so much about that one person.. but you cant get through to them how it feels to be chucked away forgotten & then suddenly picked back up & everythings 'ok' but to you its not, so far from it you cant explain. how i could run up to you hug you & just cry.

i annoy myself how i still care,
i annoy myself how i thought you'd always be there,
i annoy myself when i realise me & you arn't ever gonna be the same
and most likely i have myself to blame.

when you look and realise how many months have gone by,
when you really think about it and you just wanna break down and cry.

when you look at the photos and think of the memories,
when you sit in the window & your tears get caught by the gentle breeze.

each day, morning and night, your voice surrounds my head,
as i lie thinking is there anything i could of done or said.

then i come to the conclusion you have moved on,
and what i was or might have been is now all gone.

so i want to let go, but i'm finding it hard,
not knowing how, not wanting too, not really knowing where to start.

my tears keep running as the thoughts keep coming, over & over
until one day i accept its done.

understanding this

i could put on a front like i'm not sad inside, i could put on a front so you cant see the tears i am fighting, i could lie everytime you say how are you and i say i am ok. i could look at you with this great big smile and laugh until my stomache hurts, i can say i dont care a billion times for me just to be thinking its the only thing i care about. could be the smallest thing that could set me of it, it could be the smallest thing to remind me but all i see is these same thoughts day in day out. to only think its normal. so young to be sick of life, so young to care. but when your faced with all these things, these changes, what do you do? feels like everyone says there ok, when there not, just plugs in & shuts the whole world out.

you no what i trusted you. i believed you when you said, 'shannon no matter what happens i will always have time for you, you've been there for me through a lot & thats the least you deserve' but look.. where are you? not here and it hurts. a billion people could tell me your not worth it, but nothing can be said to stop how much i care for you, how much i want you to just come up to me & give me a big hug & say i'm sorry, but its not going to happen unless i make that first move to say something, but you no what i dont want to, i'm scared what you'll say, i'm scared that in reality this could all be my fault, i'm scared that you will just say you dont care and its best i just let go. but i need you, i really needed you. and thats all there is too it. i have told you things that i could never tell anyone else & i suppose i havnt told anyone else. but right now all that i told you has come back to me, not that it went.

i'm not sure if i miss you or i am just angry that i lost you. there was a time when we were so close, that losing you was never a thought, never a option. but its been over a year since we started to drift and no longer can i count on you. no longer are you some one who would come running when i'm down, who i could relie on to catch me when i fall. you've changed and it just gets to me. each day when i see you, i just wish we could at least say hi, i hate it. i helped you when you needed me, i did my best to boost you back up but i obviously didnt do enoough.

i annoy myself how i cant talk about it, i annoy myself how i dont give one person the chance to understand, but how to you just blurt all this out, the only thing someone ever says it i am sure its just getting to you, it will all be alrite or maybe you need some sleep or i am sure its not that bad, or they look at you thinking how pathetic are you seriously, i have been through far worse. but when you feel like your stuck this road & you cant get of it.

--

ok totaL random one but erghhhh you annoy me. the stupid little things, all you ever do is complainn... when i was a kidd things were like this bla bla, you cant even clean your own facking plate because you've been working all day & then if anyone else gets food its why dont you offer me, then you go get a fat ass piece of cake make the most annoying noises & just have to irritate me.

not finished but meh.

just another day

so where do i start i have written 2 blogs already wanting to just let all this emotion out but i can never seem to finish them, for anyone to see they just stay sat there for my eyes only, so this time i will finish it! but where do i start .. i will start with the roots of today.. just another day hay, getting up having my shower & boiled egg & eating my apple on my lovely journey to school with my best friends. i get to school, i go to tutor, i go to lesson, same old same old. so i had tutor mentoring with my best mate & my tutor today talking about school and how its going blabla & i was like well its going ok abit stressful but i'm ok. So the day carrys on i go to break have a little chitchat & a bite to eat(A) i go to my next lesson, drama, a lesson i love & enjoy. get to express my self in a different way. be who i want to be. but recently we've been working on a play called much ado about nothing, a shakesperes play, which at first i wasnt to keen on because i got the part i didnt want, i was a man & well i'm not a manly type of girl:L but ah well(: & then i realised i had 47 lines to learn :| so not so good:/ so todays lesson we would be getting ready for our final performance on tuesday. so i am sitting in my lesson having a class discussion & the next thing i know, what i was seeing just jumped, i didnt understand so i turned away & closed my eyes holding my hand to my head, i looked at my friend but she seemed just a blurr. i dont even no what i said but she knew i wasnt right, i begin to cry, tears just strolling down my face. she was like come on shannon lets go out the room for a bit. so i tried to stand, but my breathing was going funny & my legs were jelly, all i can remember is holding on to my friend, i didnt understand what was happening or why it was. i was shaking & couldnt help but cry, i was embarressed, it had to happen AGAIN & infront of all these people, they must of thought i was faking it or being stupid, i didnt know what to think i was too confused. my friend manages to get me down the corridor to my teachers office & my other friend got the first aiders for me. i sat on the chair, upset, angry, embarressed, confused & feeling helpless. upset because i didnt understand what just happened, angry because it happened again & i hated it, embarressed because it was infront of my whole class, confused cause i did understand where it came from & helpless because i felt lost. i dont even remember thanking my friend, but i was greatful, i dont remember clearly if thats what happened or if it was in that order but thats what sits at the back of my mind, the two first aiders came, they asked me a few questions & made me feel a bit better that i was alrite, they held my hands & helped me walk down the corridor, i happened to see one of my friends but i just put my head down with embarressment. but the thing is this had already happened this week..

monday evening; i was playing netball like i always do, feeling as happy as larry, had an alrite day & one of my friends was sweet enough to bake me cookies, i was feeling absolutly fine. didnt play first quarter because we had a few more players then usual but i went on at second quarter playing centre my normal position(: which i love but i can get very tired. was a good game, quite funny as we were kicking ass & the ladies were getting very moody & agrressive which can be very amusing(: so it got to half time i was feeling abit tired but that was normal & then i went on as goal attack which is new for me but i was looking forward to it, but suddenly my breathing felt tight & i was finding it hard to breath, i just thought i had over done it a bit, so i tried to pace my self & slow my self down. but it wasnt working the 15 minutes felt forever. i thought someone would notice i was struggling but i felt invisible, i carried on playing thinking i would be ok & the quarter would be over soon. but i couldnt i walked of the court & looked to my mum, i couldnt breath probably & i was shaking my mum took hold of me & my legs were just not moving they felt like jelly, again the tears began to run down my face, this had never happened to me before, what was it, my mum thought i was having an asthma attack, so she tried calming me down, it felt like everyone was looking at me, i felt like i was in some kind of bubble, i was scared, embarressed.

...

so it had happened again.. my mum had booked me a doctors appointment but not for another week or so.. but i didnt mind because i thought it was a flook & i said to her ah dont worry about it then if i have to wait that long i will be fine by then, but i wasnt:/ obviously. no one new what it was.. asthma, diabeties, stress, flook, sugar rush, hormones, i didnt no but it all scared me, but as i sat there on the netball court as i sat there on the chair in the office the same things ran through my head. what if i was.. what if i am.. i was scared. so i went to the doctors today for them to say i had a bit of a high blood pressure & pale eyes & i was probably just stressed, but if i was how to stop it, a lot of people said prob all the drama you've been doing but i felt like it had to be more then that, its finally just got to me hasnt it:/ i have blood tests on monday & i thought next week was bad enough already with stupid dentist, which i just ergh hate.

i dont really no what i think of any of it. i just feel like a little girl lost in this mad place. i just wanna feel better, i dont wanna be so emotional that the smallest thing can break me into tears so i feel so rubbish i just sit & cry with anger. but how do you explain to people you love, that your just not happy how? but you cant stop it.

not to sure.

another random i found.

do you ever get that feeling when you just can't explain anything because you just dont no. like you feel down, but you dont no why? or you feel like you should be annoyed with someone but you cant quite explain what they did to make you feel like it. do you ever wish you just had the guts to walk up to someone and say do you actually care about me or are you just gonna stand there and act as you couldnt care less, or walk away from me and just leave me. i dont really ever no why i dont? maybe its because i just dont want the tears or having to handle with the grief that comes with it, it never really seems worth it.

but the thing is with out saying anything i still get the tears and stress but it just seems the easy way out & then when you have a fat drama performance coming up in two weeks & you have 47 lines to remember & then having to retake my maths, we did it all early for nothing. then i have to think about my science which is coming up, then i obviously have friend & girl friend commitments & then my favourite sport netball & all my other school subjects, sometimes it all gets to much, but i wouldnt ever give up on any of it because they all mean so much to me. just feels some people just want to make things harder.

to not make sence i do best, to feel lost and pretend i'm all ok i do.

puzzled mind

i look at you when your looking the other way & i see the friend ship we had. The one i fought so hard for, the one i never wanted to give up on, know matter what happened. We are so different, but yet being your best friend felt so right. We had the stupid arguments, but i always tried to be there for you & i know you were greatful.. you brought me such nice things, which i loved & still do. but every time i look at them, i feel puzzled not knowing what i did so wrong for you to just let me go. For me not to have you as a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to.. unless i planned to do that through a computer. And tbh i guess i rather have nothing if thats what you want. we're not best friends we're only just friends, you don't have the time for me & you've told me yourself.

time

tick tick tick..



every second, every minute, every hour each day a part of my life passes.

each day a step on the path of my life. some days i feel like i've got lost walked into the dark woods alone. not knowing where i am going then suddenly a light will shine & i will see the path again in which i follow. these are the times of which i am happy and smileing the dark times are when i am sad and feel alone. in life you can be surrounded with people who say they love & care for you but still can feel alone.

when i'm alone i will see all the faults in my self. all the things that could be better some could say i am very pestimistic. i see the glass half empty not half full. i am a senstive person, so if something that someones says gets to me you'll know about it. i will most likely go quiet & say i'm fine but really quite upset & a lot of people notice this as most of the time i am a loud person who just doesn't shut up.

so i find it hard loosing people, who doesnt? but why does it always seem to sit on my mind.. why does it constantly upset me, people come in & out of your life everyday so why do i hold on to it so hard. why do i let my self get so deep. so i get it in to my head you dont care? well i guess you havnt for a while, have you?:/ & it hurts, so bad.

----

so i was browsing on facebook as i have nothing better to do & i saw a group i liked it. then i thought wow.. look how many people feel this way. i'm not alone, we're all human & we all feel hurt. but tbh i would just like it to stop, but it won't. just wanna be in my own world & just dream my life away. it seems so easy, so simple. right now the facebook group i looked at says depressed? ear phones in.. volume up, ignore the world. how i feel.



so returning to the title of this blog, basically i have one year left of school and like i said in my last blog i am scared of things which are out of my control & this is just one of those things. i want it to end because theres so much hurt & stress which comes from it but then i dont because theres the laughs the smiles, the people i care about so much. that sometimes i dont think they even realise that with out them i wouldnt be where i am. the time just keeps ticking by & i am loosing myself in it, slowly but surely.

but i wont give up, i just want this pain to stop. the feeling of something missing.

soo thats another blog done another day passed. thank you blogspot for listening to my crap:D

where to begin

Where do you begin to explain ones feelings, how do you explain all the thoughts in your head when you feel like theres so many. So right now i am meant to be practising for drama i have 47 lines to learn & i have learnt roughly 20 if that & some of them i have to read the first few words for me to remember the line. its been 1 month since i have been of school and what have i done with my self, nothing.. well thats what it feels like:/ late nights, lay ins, junk food, lazyness, all come to mind.

Summer holidays; so you plan it all out hot days, lay ins, long days, beach, town, laughing, smileing, partys, drinking, walking, sleep overs, lazy days, late nights.. all sounds perfect doesnt it.. well why doesnt it ever go to plan. apart from the late nights which make you feel rubbish so you stay in bed.. then half the days gone? makes sence.. um i dont think so.

But then you get yourself stuck in this pattern, this routine which you cant get out of, you try push yourself but it doesnt work, your still left, feeling crap. Then your left trying to get to asleep at 3'oclock in the morning, lying there, thinking, things going round and around your head. mainly questions and ambitions. like why did this happen, i really want to do this.. So each night you do the same thing you get in bed, and you lye there. maybe put the tv on or listen to music. but whatever you do it always ends up relating back to your thoughts, something triggering it off.

One thought that was going through my head last night was my GCSE results which i got today & i was right to worry obviously:/ so i was walking to school today with two of my best friends, one who was absolutly Sh*tting it, other not so, just trying to keep calm, but myself had already done this same thing last year for maths as i am in extended set, which tbh i dont even no why but i'm not gonna go into that just yet. Yeah i was nervous too but i tried to hide it because i know it doesnt help others & tbh i did as best as i could. So i came out with a C in biololigy, C in Physics & a E in Chemistry & a B in my Cw for Science, how did that work out?:/ I revised so hard because tbh i didnt want this feeling to happen, the feeling of people being dissapointed in me, or saying dw you did 'ok', its like well maybe i didnt wanna do 'ok' maybe i wanted to do great but it wasnt even that, it was that i NEEDED this to take the course i wanted to take in college, to do what i wanted to do in life & thats when it hits you hard & it hurts. My teacher is crap, i am the only person in my class doing higher tier, yeah i am with my best friend & i love her to bits.. but would be nice if i had the help i needed & well i feel i deserve. But noo.. i have her again next year for Enviromental Land Based Science, which i am aiming high for as it seems quite easy & its all cw. But still means extra science after school.. i just wanted it done yanno:/ out the way so i didnt have the added stress. Then i got B in ethics which well i guess i was happy with but i was aimed a A:/ & i kinda just wanted to be like YES i got that A i wanted. Then i went down the page to see my graphics, i tried to not expect that good because i knew i found the test hard & i didnt wanna stress my self out .. & i looked down to see a F.. i just stood :| wanted to just scream, cause i got a A* in my class, but the F brung it down to a C, which yeah isnt bad but my predicted grade was a A. So yeah you may read this thinking wow what an ungreatful cow, but when your expected all these good grades and you dont get them, you worry that people will think you didnt try, that you didnt care. now adays everythings so set on what you get in school, that the pressure just builds on you

And as i didnt feel bad enough.. after that i had the dentist. one of the places i just hate, i dont feel no why i hate it i just do, and theres no way about it. Today i had a new dentist she was nicer then my old one yes:/ but.. i have to have a stupid filling. This all sounds so stupid now after i have typed it all down but at the time i just felt so stupid, so idiotic. I just began to cry.. that emotion seems to come up alot really, sadness.



Problem.. after problem, thats what life feels like. one FAT problem after the other, another reason to cry, another reason to scream, but each problem actually quite small but they all esculate into something else, something bigger. Every blog i write each say, how i want to be happy, be free, how its going to start happening but do i every write about how any of it has happened.

When you see me i genuinely come across as a happy, out-going, smiley, loud person, but why do i alway find myself thinking how i am none of this most of the time.

I was over my friends house the other day and strangely but cooly she has a climbing wall in her house:L & i was like WOW can i have a go(A) so she strapped me all up & i began to climb, its not very high but i found my self feeling scared, as i felt this i said to her i did tell you i has a phobia of heights and she was like no:L but i was there holding on & i just didnt want to let go even though i was strapped up & if i did i would be fine, i was just so scared. so i finally manage to reach the top & get down again, to only to want to do to it again. afterwards we were having one of our normal chats about life & stuff in general & i began to reaslise i wasnt scared of the height, i was scared of being out of control, everything i do in my day to day life, is always done out of me knowing i am in control but when it comes to something where i'm not i lose it, i begin to break. These two years havnt been good for loosing people/living things. & i think i know why i dont cope well, because i dont like change which is out of my control.

--break--

change, it hurts.

the little things

sooo.. you could say i am blog obsessed, just writing blog after blog probably none of them even making sence to you unless you know me, but this is somewhere i come to get all my feelings out so sorry if i babble on a bit too much.

well once again i don't no where to start.. so here goes nothing.

change. people. life. one road.
i see life as a one road experience full of different things, mainly people. who may be your friend, your enemy, your relation, the person you love. life is one big journey that i don't think anyone really understands, everyone different, everyone having there different thoughts and feelings. i my self am starting to think of life as a gift. life is full of lots of emotions and can feel like one big rollar coaster. sometimes you can feel like your at the top and nothings going to stop you, but then you can just drop and everything can come crumbling down, some people at this point do something called 'giving up'. which tbh myself i dont no exactly what that is. some people look at life as a battle, because i guess it is, full of lots of tasks, others dont actually care, they just do what they like when they like. what ever the consequences.

rollar coaster; slow going up, fast going down, hiddnen turns and loops.
life, slow going up but when your down it hits you fast, full of surprises and twists.

..... had a little break ....

so where am i going with this blog, to be honest with you i don't no. just trying to make all these thoughts in my head make sence. i just wish i understood my self and the people around me, because what am i doing so wrong?

loosing someone completely is hard enough. loosing people who are still here, is harder because it never ends and you always blame yourself.

your not who i thought you once were, why can't i just get over it. why do i remain to look back.. on the past. its just on going.. every day the same thoughts go around my head, what if i did this? what if? what IF? i care about you and i probably always will, but i can't just let this take over me and how i feel.



memories can last a life time, but sometimes the people you share those memories with don't.

so today was kind of my new start, but really is it? well we will see, i just want to focus on the important ones & my self & just making this last year of school worth remembering, it would be silly to waste it on being angry and upset. i want to make this change work. to be the person telling everyone to smile again, not the person being told. to laugh so much it hurts and not to wish i could. to be dancing along the road listening to my music, how silly i may look. to take this gift i have been given and live it to the full.



when you sit alone, you get time to think, about the ways you feel,
sometimes the thoughts that go through your head can seem so unreal,

the thoughts about how that some people are no longer here,
then you see the memories in your mind so bright and clear,

i try to be brave and smile and not cry,
because sometimes in life its good to say good bye,

so that people are put out out of pain,
and can feel happy once again,

its ok to feel hurt when you lose someone close,
this is a feeling at the moment i feel the most,

but i am building that bridge to get my self back up,
to smile until my hearts content till you have all had enough,

so watch me smile, watch me laugh, watch me get through the days following this path.

FINIIIIIIISHED after 4 hours or more:L sorry if its bad[a]


shaannnnnnnon(STEVIE)

hey baby's.
this blog is dedicated to my best friend, tessa.
just one. sound.
RAD.i'm a doughnut.

the beauty in friendship.

i was browsing through two old friends from first school's pictures today & i just thought wow beautiful the people and the friendship.



its amazing how much a picture can hold the memories, the laughs the tears the smiles the fears. all in that one image.
personally i love looking through pictures while listening to music so relaxing and it makes you smile but ... yes but.. always a but..
some make you sad and cry.



friendship is a bridge into each others hearts & heads, an insight of someones feelings & fears.
a friend is someones whos there for you when you hit rock bottom a friend is someone who makes you laugh with out even trying. who knows what you love & what you hate. there not just there for a day, a real friend is there for a life time.



hehe. <3
sometimes me & my friends talk about being old & how we want to stay in contact till we are in our zimmer frames & have a walking stick at hand & this picture just made me think of it.

friends are like bras, close to the heart and there for support.

very true quotes.

boys are whatever, friends are forever.

my friends;

shes small, shes funny, shes pretty, shes a food lover, shes someone i can always count on shes my best friend asha.

shes gorgeous, shes unqiue, shes strange, shes my sister, shes my star in the sky shes my best friend tessa.

shes blonde, shes hilarious, shes smart, shes sporty, she always listens and shes my amazing friend georgia.

shes different, shes funky, shes loyal, shes clever, shes strong minded and my special friend georgie.

shes my bra, shes my bf, shes my pandaaaa, shes my gentle, friendly, native chloe.

hes funny, hes caring, hes huggable, hes loveable, hes his failish self and hes all mine, luke.

hes G, hes lovely, hes caring, hes got a music taste;] hes my far away raver bestest chris wilkes.

hes friendly, hes sweet, hes loving, hes understanding, hes the one you can always count on to send you a text which makes you smile a gizziolion amounts, hes my friend woody.

hes sweet, hes caring, hes a bully;] hes someone who you can talk to for forever & day, hes my curly haired friend jack.

hes straight, hes standard, hes random, hes crazy, hes my beautiful blue eyed, better looking then me thomas jeffery.

hes tall, hes trustworthy, hes kind, hes easy going, hes my scratch card buddy & my generous, lewis.

hes smart, hes funny, hes easy to get along with, hes kind, hes a technolllgy boffin;] hes my friendling alex.

hes fat, hes blonde, hes cheerful, hes sarcastic, hes huggablee not so loveable;] friends boyfriends my husband;] paul handy.

you can know a billion people but only ever have a few true friends.

they guide me through my darkest days, they laugh at me when i act a total doughnut, they lift me up when i hit my hardest falls, they love me for who i am, these people deserve the best in life, they're my best friends.

take life in each seperate stride and promise me you will live it too the full. because each moment you live is the only moment you know you defiantly will have.

dedicated to my bestfriends.

realisation.

ok this is only going to be a small blog but just needed to get it out.

10-7-10 the day you were took, seems only like yesterday, the day wasnt going well as it was, broke my friends camera & then some little bitch decided it would be fine to just come up & grab her by the neck well.. while i just sat there. what an idiot right, let your best friend get grabbed by some physco. hmm. i'm sorry. i just didnt no what to do.. but then to come back to that. i just couldnt understand it, the tears werent just streams they were waterfalls, my legs shook like a earth quake, my face red with fear and anger, how could he not be here anymore is all i could think, how could this be happening. WHY. is the question that kept occurring. to get the answer i dont no i just dont no.

but as i sat in the ceremony for my final good bye, the tears came back. the man who spoke, read a poem out saying everytime you feel like your going to cry for me dont, smile for me & remember all the memories we shared. but as i cried i smiled, i looked to my right to see my sister crying as i looked to my left my mum & dad, he sat there not moving just staring to the right where the coffin lay. no tears ran down his face not a drop, but as we drove to the wake, going over the memories, it began to sink in, his tears began to run. each memory you look over can make you smile but feel sadness in the loss. its strange knowing you cant see someone ever again, when it feels like only yesterday you saw them. its already 2-8-10 the date also rings a bell. sheba cutting, yes a cat. but to me my friend, when i was little, i thought i was different. i used to tell her everything and she was the only person i felt i could talk to & when her & patchie left me. i felt alone. 2-8-05 rip sheba i miss you.

missing some one can happen even if its years apart to hours or minutes. but i think i rather miss someone who is still here then someone who can never come back. i have come to realise that even when someone is not here with you, there up with you & always will, its not the years in your life, its the life in your years.

Leigh
Patchie
Jackie
Jamie
Auntie Joyce
Ozzy
Sheba
RIP <3

tomorrow.

tomorrow, tomorrow you shall rest, up there with the angels. you shall feel no more pain, but down here thats all i can feel. i would say i am scared of loosing you but its too late i already have. its to late, i cant turn the clock back & see your face one last time. which hurts. hurts me down deep, causes those tears which stroll down my face. when i found out i couldnt understand it, you still had life in you, a family and friends, why did you have to go. why?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrpSjXo6ah0&feature=avmsc2

final week.

5 more days..
5 more days of year ten.
Until the summer i have been waiting for right?
I really don't think its gonna be, what i want:/ I want it to be like amazing because it's my last summer before i finish school for well forever. wow that sounds kinda scary tbh. but i just have this feeling its gonna be shit. my friends gonna go on holiday for 3 WEEKS, 21 DAYS. i know it sounds silly but i know i'm gonna miss her alot:/ and well recently i like to keep everything which is precious to me close. i know shes not actually going anywhere but i guess i worry alot. because recently somethings happen which i didnt expect, and it shook me up. its hard enough losing someone but losing someone unexpectily well that hits you ten times harder. cant exactly explain it:/ but makes you feel empty, and very causious of the things around you & greatful for what you have, but very sensitive and well i dont need to feel any more sensitive bad enough as it is.

ahhhh i wrote this a couple days agoo.. but i didnt really finish it i didnt really no what else to write and well i dont no what to write now either[a] haa. WOW ceeeb to write anymore lets just BLOG it baby.

today.

July 1st 2010.. change.

What can we take on trust
in this uncertain life? Happiness, greatness,
pride - nothing is secure, nothing keeps.
~Euripides, Hecuba


i sit here alone in my bed thinking back to a year ago, thinking about the silly conversations and the voices which made me laugh until my stomache hurts. thinking back to the smiles the tears, the hurt and the never ending wheel of change. do you ever wonder what things would be like if that change didnt happen if those few words you said werent said, or a moment in your life would just dissapear and then everything would be perfect. but what is perfect, because when one person goes up, someone else goes down, when one person is born another dies. sometimes being perfect isnt the answer even though it may seem like the only answer.

but dont you hate it when every where you go someone tells you something different, nobodys perfect, practise makes perfect.. so which is it? everything happens for a reason, sometimes not everything has a reason it just happens.. soo which is it? well its neither, life has no rules or boundries, only the ones we have put here, to look after and respect the people around us. to stop the hurt, that we have. the cold hearted lies, the back stabbing feelings, the warm tears which stroll down your face one by one, no one likes those feelings so why do we carry on doing things, which make us cause all of that. no humans perfect, but every human knows how they like to be treated, so why dont we all treat everyone equally.

then comes that feeling which you can't stop, missing someone or something. walking around talking about the world around you, falling to the floor with laughter because your best friend just does something extreamly stupid and you can't help but laugh, snuggling up with your covers and some munch, its those little memories that might mean nothing to someone else but you and the people you shared them with mean alot.

the change i've taken. i know longer look at life and see only faults, i look at my life and see how lucky i have been, to be blessed with amazing people. i may have lost some but not all completely no matter what happens, they will always have a place in me and my life, because they've all had a impact upon me. i love my friends, family & boy friend soo much, sometimes its hard to believe, even thought at time i stress my self out and complain and moan and become one of the most annoying people ever, i hope i will always remain close to them all, but change is making its path, but change doesn't always have to happen, it only happens if you let it, your in charge of your life, no one else, you have people who guide you but no one else can deside how you live your life, they cant tell you who you love, who you hate, when you want to do something and how you want to do it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_kqoJJVDkE i am who i am:) [8]

a article i found:] http://www.life-with-confidence.com/changewithconfidence.html#dHNaCWeUb1deTMzT enjoy <3



“Take control of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape your daily experience of life.”