Words

It's my fault. You're speaking about me. You hate me. I should have done better. I should have tried harder. You don't understand me. I'm being stupid. Stop crying. Start smiling. Don't crack. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop hating yourself. How can I? I hate you. Stupid Shannon. Shut the hell up.

4 things that girls do which annoy me.

So I thought i'd jump on the bandwagon and do a list of things that I dislike about a particular subject my first one being '5 things that girls do which annoy me'. 1. So the first thing I can't stand is girls who can't just have normal eye-brows, they either pluck them to death and draw thin lines on their face so they constantly look in shock or draw something which looks more like a caterpillar than a eye brow. I think they call it the 'scouse brow' but seriously it's hideous. Please just leave your eye-brows alone until you actually know how to make them look normal. 2. Girls who pretend to be stupid, I don't understand how this is meant to attract someone? You laugh like an idiot and act like a 5 year old. Your voice is just irritating more than anything. "HEHE" "NO SHUT UP." Pretending that you didn't realise gravity existed isn't cool. 3. Sluts, the girls who give us a name. Who post pictures over Facebook practically wearing nothing or with their bra popping out their top because that's obviously really hot!? Not. You act all innocent, like boys are the only players yet you are like a yo-yo. Complain you don't have anyone to hug more like probably fuck. But seriously you give us all name, so why not do something sensible like get dressed before you take your next photo and try not to be every boys one night stand. Earn some darn respect. 4. Fakes, this one kind of relates to number 3 & 1 but slightly different. Girls who are just constantly fake relating to their appearance & their personality. They feel the need to be someone they're not, always trying to impress others with their stupidity. I don't understand why you want to look like an Oompa Loompa & act like the next Regina George. Just be yourself and if this is 'you' then just go burry yourself in a hole in shame. Okay so I was going to do 5 but I genuinely can't think of another of the top of my head. So yea... thanks for reading hoes.

...

I'm a pessimist my mind eats away at it's own positivity. I've got a second University offer, but I'm still not happy. There is still something wrong. I constantly maximalise every problem, escalating something small into something big. There is no winning in my head. Even when I'm with someone, I'm alone. I get paranoid about the most stupidest things. There's parts of me that know it's just me being silly, but there's this other part that can't quite understand it all. That hates me. That won't let me be happy. I doubt myself until there's nothing else to doubt. I want it to go away. I just want to get through this year with the grades I need & hopefully with a great future at University ahead of me. I will try, but I know I can try harder. I know there's still more I can do, I just wish I could persuade myself that I am good enough and trying harder will make a difference.

End of 2012

So it's mid December and another year has passed. It's crazy how much has changed and happened. I've met some lovely people this year and experienced some amazing memories. From my Christmas work party to Bristol shopping with my best-friend Chloe.. unfortunately no lovely holidays abroad or trips to London. But I haven't done badly! Not that I can remember right now what I've actually done. Still spending another Christmas alone while my sister's are all loved up & starting their families. It is shit being 6/7 years younger than your siblings. Maybe next year ay? Or not.. I say this every year and so far every year I have been lonely! But I do love spending Christmas with my family, don't get me wrong.. but a few cuddles when it's cold outside & someone to share your bed with at night would just make everything nicer. Oh and if i'm making a list of a perfect boyfriend.. then I might as well include someone who will make me hot milkshakes & smell amazing. Okay.. I get it; i'm weird, I'm attracted to scent. So what. Sew me. But anyway talking about next year.. this time next year I'll be coming home for University and now that is something I don't think I'll get my head round until I'm actually there, experiencing it all. I am excited but I'm scared, I finally get to just experience things for myself, gain some independence. I genuinely think I'll miss my work though, it's only recently I've realised how lucky I am.. I get to work somewhere I enjoy. No matter what there's always a bit of banter, but that's not surprising when you literally just work will all males. My manager buys me drinks on a night out and sweets and whatever else I fancy when I'm at work! Made some great friends and without a doubt always find a way to have a laugh. Let's just say I hope it continues. I actually quite like this time of year, put up my fairy lights, lit my candles and put a bit of tinsel around my room! Even get to put my heated blanket on at night and snuggle up with my blanket! So to end this blog let's reminisce about 2012, so first things first.. I learnt to drive, I was a bridesmaid for my first time, I managed to be home alone for a week & I didn't die, made it to A2, successfully got a conditional offer from Cardiff Met University, had a job for a year-impressive, buy a car, buy a mac, enjoy myself & I'm going to definitely end it on a high with my New Years party. Here's to an amazing 2013.

The end of another year

It's coming closer to the end of yet another year. It's 21 days until Christmas and 27 until new years. I want to have a party so badly. With all the drinking games, all the people I care about, fireworks, drink, great food and even more importantly great music! I really want to have an amazing night. But that won't happen. Sorry for sounding all pessimistic but sometimes we all have to accept the reality. It never happens, so the chances of it happening now are less so. But maybe it could happen.. asdfgh I dunno. I'll think about it. Sitting in my room and not really knowing what to do with myself, I don't want to be down stairs because either it's shit tv or my dad complaining about how stressed he is, which is never fun, I may not be 6 anymore but that shit can still effect you, even more so now. So my other option which the one I normally go for is sitting in my room either attempting coursework, listening to music, watching endless youtube videos or tv. But i'm feeling so fed up with everything! Stupid car is being shit and dying on me, as well as my phone & my ipod. Then there's christmas & saving up for Uni, just screwed really. Wish I had a money tree then shit would be okay. ohhhh and another lonely christmas, yaaaay me. asdfgh errggggh fuck it all. moan moan moan. rant rant rant. feel better now! noooot.

I feel i'm screwed and completely confused. The beginning of this week I was on a complete high after passing my driving test, something I had been worried about for weeks but now I'm applying for university and feel i'm just driving myself into a massive pit. I know what I want to do and I just want to do it! It's not like school or college, where everyone has the fair chance of learning, it's controlled and tactful. If you're not a A grade student with loads of experience and volunteered for every charity association that exists then your personal statement is the only thing you've got to go on. I've left it all last minute and now I'm completely screwed with no place to turn. The chances of me succeeding in something I've been set on for years is slowly crumbling away. I just hope they see something in me, but even if I do get a chance it could be somewhere which I could end up hating. It's a life changing experience which I've completely screwed up and hate myself for it. Ah well, suppose I better carry on trying even if it means I do fail.

Arrogance

Arrogance is not clever, nor is it an attractive trait to have. So why are you like it, does it make you feel big, better than other people. So many people just need to get off their high horse and begin to understand the simple reality of human emotions. Because right now all you do is treat people like shit whenever you feel like it, but somehow you still manage to win. You still managed to get treated like an absolute god and like you've done nothing wrong, but this couldn't be anymore wrong. asdfgh. Just needed to get that out, even though I know you won't ever change.

Positivity has disappeared.

It's gotten to that point, where being positive doesn't always feel like an option. You're tired, you're stressed out, cold, wet and to be honest you can't really be bothered to do anything other then sleep. The deadlines are creeping closer and you're already behind and it's only week 4. You just wish everything would go on hold and you could do everything at your own pace. But it's not that easy. You just need to get on with it, keep pushing yourself harder. You will get there, you will only achieve what you're willing to put in.

Get me out this hell hole.

This blog is as simple as the title states it is. I just wish for one day a moment spent with my family wouldn't be dreaded, for one event not to be spoiled by one person having ago at the other or for you to just be f*cki' happy. Living here sometimes feels like my own personal jail. You're so blind to everything going on around you, other than the basic sh*t that involves you. It drives me insane. But one sarcastic comment coming from my self telling you just to lighten up or smile and you just eat me. You're always stressed and you always with out fail make it feel like it's all my fault or I can't enjoy anything because life is just worthless, pointless breaths of existence. I hate thinking like that but that is the kind of impact your thoughts, comments have made on me and I just wish you'd realise or did something for yourself. Maybe going away for Uni would just be the best thing for me. Who knows.

College Prep

Okay; so here's my little guide to college life and a few tips & advice to prepare yourself for this fast, crucial, hard year ahead. So you finish school and through the norm and peer pressure of today's society you decide to give college ago. You might need A-levels for University or your best-friends going, for whatever reason you decide college life is for you. That my friend is a decision you probably should have thought about harder. First thoughts of going to college.. new friends, new experiences, fun, party's, a chance to be treated more like an adult instead of a child, money, your 17th & 18th birthdays, fresh start and all that other rubbish. So to put it bluntly it normally doesn't go too plan. You lose friends from school and instead of necessarily making new friends at college, you make 'friends'. These are people you see in your lesson, will talk to maybe at lunch or before an exam & then never see through any of the holidays. Or you may be lucky to meet a few decent, honest people who will still keep in contact with you through your time at college and maybe beyond. Next there's the whole 'new experiences' & 'house party' palaver. I suppose some people I know have fulfilled this expectation but not all. You think you'll be invited to all these cool house party's, where you drink the night away and laugh until your stomach hurts. But lets be honest when do you have the time for these party's? You start college you get work, your first exams will be in January and you think they'll be doss, the same as GCSE's. Obviously can't be much harder. This is when you find yourself wrong, 2-3 months down the line you get the results back but not the ones you were expecting you thought your exams went okay you look down at the paper to see Astrology - F Chemistry - U. So fuck what do you do now. You still want to go see your friends but then you realise May/June will be a lot harder now adding the two exams you fucked up on to the pile of exams you are later due to take. Now wth do you do? A) don't bother trying B) work your ass off & have no social life C) become oblivious to any exam and repress anything to do with revision. So yeah that's what I did.. Not a good idea. Also you're 16 now coming up 17. You want your own money; unless you're a spoilt little child and mummy & daddy buy everything for you. asdfghj life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Let's be honest we all need our own money here & there, that's what pays for the retakes, the revision guides, the paper, the pens, the new laptop you so happy to really want & all the other irrelevant college shit that you feel you need. So to put it simple you need a job, but with a job comes WORK. ...... to be continued. After working all day today & having college tomorrow i'm going to take my own advice & REST. Goooood night all.

Positivity

Some people see the glass half full, others see the glass half empty. Some people say we're half way there, others say we still have half way to go. Optimistic Vs pessimistic; two very different approaches to every day life. It's a rare but magnificent talent to see the good in all, to always see that bright side of life. I, myself find this hard. I'm quite a negative person at times or where talking about myself is involved. I find it easier to say my ten flaws instead of my five attributes. But then again don't we all? Par the small few who have been up their own bottom since birth and have never seen day light in their whole small minded lives. But it's better to have the best of both. No one likes someone who is so over confident that they can't even fit through a door but then no one likes someone who just hides in the shadows and shows no confidence, no personality.

But to find confidence you need people to believe in you, you need people to have faith in you, maybe even admire you a little. My driving instructor is always banging on at me to have a little more confidence in my own decisions, a little more confidence in my own ability. Anyway to get to the point.. I took my theory today at 3. I woke up at 9 and revised from that point onwards passing 47/50 45/50 but still nervous because in the pit of my stomach I still had doubt, I still had doubt in myself that I'd fail and I suppose I lived up to it. One shitty question wrong was the thing between me passing and failing, between 31 pound and 62 pound, between passing my driving test sooner and having to wait. I would have done anything today to just have changed that one question to make the difference, but it was too late. Gutting was not the word to express how I felt. Like my mum and sister said I could have walked in again a hour later, had different questions and pass with flying colours. Today wasn't my day. I actually felt a little embarrassed and ashamed when I walked out the doors knowing i'd failed. But I think now why should I make myself feel like that, why did I deserve to feel embarrassed and ashamed. The real answer is I didn't. At the end of the day I failed and be it all of one mark there wasn't a lot I could do but walk out and try again next time. So as the saying goes.. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. So here is to next time, more faith and more confidence. Good night. xox

What happens next

So today was the day I collected my AS results. Did I think I was going to do shit, yes. Did I think I'd end up crying, yes. But for once something kinda went my way. So I didn't do amazing, no A's but one B! And yes I did fail a subject. But that doesn't matter and you'll soon see why. I got a U in philosophy; an E in the retake and a U in the second exam, if i'm honest with you I didn't even think i'd get a grade in either. With something like a 70% fail rate, I didn't have a lot going for me. Loved the lesson, hated the exams. But definitely not the end of the world, I don't want to take it next year but it was a experience anyhow. Next was the almighty Psychology results which to say the least was what I was most worried about if I didn't get higher than a D I'd have no hope in taking it next year and then what the hell would I do with myself. But it's fine, I scraped in with a D. But got a B on my retake - which made me very happy! But let myself down in the second exam with a E. So retake that next year and boost the grade up is the plan. Then I got C in English language which I was content with and a B in Graphics to top it off. So what happens next year, well I will hopefully get accepted and finish of English, Graphics & Psychology at A2 and get into Uni is the plan. I want to work hard this year, no fuckin' around. So right now I'm saving for a Macbook Pro which will help with my studies especially graphics and hopefully will be everything I need to succeed. Also I have booked my theory test so I just want to revise like a bitch and pass first time! Being optimistic is helping me, just need to keep my head held high and I'll be alright!

How to think, what to do.

August 12th 2012, 4 days until I get my results. I don't know what to think or how to act to the build up until opening that envelope only to what I think will not be what I want to see. It's difficult because I know it's too late to change it and I know I did what I could at the time; I know I was scared before my exams, full of nerves. I know I didn't do my best and I wish I just pushed my self from the start. By the time I wanted things to change it was too late for me to turn things around. I want to actually enjoy next year and make the most of what could be my final year of college where I still have some kind of support barrier. I need to kill the nerves and just accept what will be, will be. But it's not that easy. These results determine what happens for me next year, if I don't get on A2 Psychology wtf will I do. Do I start it again? Only maybe to fail again if I don't pull my weight. Or is it not for me? I suppose writing this I wanted to ease myself, let it out and hopefully feel better. But I don't. Recently I've felt quite neutral to everything, I don't feel happy nor sad. I don't like it though, I was to feel happy, I want to worry less. I've worked a lot these summer holidays just trying to save so maybe just maybe it would make me worry less about money. ASDFGH. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Changing the subject all together, you have kind of annoyed me just letting it come back into your life, being nice to it, after they were so horrible and sly. But they have that power, I suppose you feel you just have to but they don't deserve you, they don't deserve anyone at the moment. They need to know what it feels like to be pushed aside, ignored, led on, crushed, mind fucked, they need to understand what kind of person they are. And what they've done isn't right and they shouldn't do it again. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Anyway I'm going Bristol with my Chloe tomorrow and I am very excited a bit of retail therapy is always nice, not even going to think about college, results, work, males or any other shit that just gets me down. Just going to enjoy the day and do what the hell I like. I have work at half 2 today until 6 so it isn't too bad only 3 1/2 hours! Lets just hope it flies by. Now it's time to pack my bag, wrap Tessa's presents and listen to some music. WOOO. Fxck people.

Setting out to fail.

Literally feel like i'm a useless pointless human being and everything I try and do will only result in failure. I do not look forward to the 16th August only to find out the last year of my life has been wasted. So I thought i'd concentrate on something else; learning to drive. Once again I was wrong; all this did was crush any confidence I have in my self. Only to add the one person I thought was interested in me this year only went & fucked his ex then walked all over her like she was nothing. So where in life am I succeeding? Because right now the only thing that comes to mind is no where. I need some inspiration, some hope, I need something to be proud of. I need a day where I'm surrounded by happiness, people, beauty, laughter and freedom. So it's my day off tomorrow, can only hope it's a better day. Just wish I could relax and smile. asdfghj. Music up, headphones, fuck everything.

Money isn't happiness

Well as we all sit here moaning about the same thing this summer, either that we have to go to work or we still haven't got a job. Every day feels like you're working or being turned down by another shit company which you never wanted to work for in the first place you just got desperate as the want for money is getting ever more stronger. When you're working it's sunny and when you have a day off it seems to pour down and even when you don't have a job and it's sunny either all your friends are working or you have no money to do anything anyway. So none of us are winning. I sometimes wish money was the answer though, I wish buying things would result in eternal happiness, I wish I didn't feel so stressed even though I'm on holiday from college. Maybe it is this waiting for the results which is keeping me on edge. But I hate it, I also do need to get off my ass and look at University's. I'm such a chicken, but today I did do more revision for my theory test and washed my car so the whole day wasn't a complete waste and I organised a day out tomorrow and going to netball for a hour and meeting a friend for a small walk so I can't really complain. In addition, it's been sunny! But I did have a silly cry yesterday, stupid hormones. Being female isn't always great. But I suppose I just need to keep myself motivated, I might even have a holiday coming who knows. If it plans out right I defiantly deserve the best friend in the world award.

asdfghj

I know I always crack on about time and how fast it goes but recently I just can't even begin to imagine where the time has gone. The Saturday just passed my eldest sister got married, and of course I was one of the amazing bridesmaids! The day felt like minutes not hours, one minute I was in the hair dressers the next I was down the aisle and then suddenly I was drunk on the dance floor. Definitely a high light of this year and my summer, but it doesn't feel real. My sister is no longer a Cutting; Denise Cutting, Dave Cutting, Natalie Cutting, Shannon Cutting and Louise Brown. Say what. One thing that does suck being 5/6 years younger than my sister, I constantly feel like the baby and forever lonely as one is married and has a daughter the other is engaged and discussing moving out and finding a new job and there's me, the constantly tired, b&q worker who is forever alone feel like such a lemon at family meals when everyone has someone and I have my food. blablablaaaaa enough of me moaning. I also went go karting tonight for my very late birthday four of my friends came out of the total 27 that turned up but oh well, it was a laugh and nice to do something different! I also saw a friend who I haven't seen properly in eight months:| sooo that was very nice; even got a cheeky lift home. Cannot wait until I can drive but feels soo far away. Had my seventh driving lesson today still trying to stay motivated but it's hard sometimes, I literally get angry so easily recently, I have no patience at all. Not sure what I shall do with myself tomorrow, maybe a run? I should go sleep though as I feel knackered. God bless blogger.

You irritate me.

You really irritate me, the way you treated me, the way you treated her, the way you think you can treat people. I didn't fucking realise that I had no feelings so it would be okay to be treated like some kind of game. Actually no I'm right, you're wrong, I do have feelings and you really fucked with them. Let alone being an insecure, paranoid 17 year old female, you thought why not add to this, why not make her feel really fucked up. So one day you care, you're interested, the next you don't talk, you ignore me and act like nothings happened. Me being me only becoming more insecure and paranoid, comparing myself to her, telling myself I was ugly, nothing compared to anyone. This isn't true and I know that now, well at least I know I'm not completely worthless. So basically, thanks for nothing. Good bye.

Tight throat, thumping chest, tears stream, heavy breaths. Just another silly argument right, we can all go inside watch tv and everything will be fine, actually not just fine perfect. No. It does not work like that, I don't cry to then act as nothing is wrong, I may be good at pretending but i'm not lying to myself anymore. You pushed it, you pushed me; that little bit too far. I'm tired of staying quiet and holding back, so many people are just shoving me closer and closer to the edge. Either when I'm made to not feel good enough, just a back up, you'll ask me when everyone else says no. Or then there is you, the person who's effort in friendship died many months ago.. along with what feels like everybody else's but one or two. I just want Saturday to be fine, no arguments, no tension, just smiles, drunken dancing and lots of laughing. But right now I am dreading Saturday. Need to do something to make me feel better about everything. Time to get ready for bed, maybe that will make me feel better. asdfgh. Sleep then work tomorrow morning and seeing Tessa! lyfff sukkkks. KMN.

Time

Life is on a scale, a scale of time, it involves decisions, choices, risks. It's weird how years can feel like days and days can feel like minutes. One minute you're at first school playing dress up doctors and nurses, the next you are going into town without the parents and then you're making school decisions and thinking about your exams. Then suddenly you have finished your first year of college, you're learning to drive and you've successfully been in the world of work for a year. Where has the time gone!? In 6 days my eldest sister is getting married and she has an eighth month old daughter, it's scary but it's my reality. Before I know it my other sister will be pregnant and awaiting her wedding day, this makes me all the more worried and concerned for my future. Not only am I totally undecided of what Uni I'm going to or when, I feel like the family single retard. Forever alone. Oh wow, I start writing a blog then half way just give up asdfghjkl. I give up on this blog already. lalalalala. Just going to write random shiz now because well I feel like it. I want chocolate cake and I blame strada for this craving being unfulfilled. bed time, to tired to write anymore. I NEED TO TIDY MY GOD DAMN ROOM. grrrr.

Accepting reality

Something that people often find hard to do; is accept reality. But there is one thing 'accepting reality' and there is another which is not even trying in the first place. I have a lot of dreams; a lot of ambitions, which I'm sure many people have. Certain barriers I want to break and certain dreams I want to achieve. So i'm trying to accept the fact that sometimes it's good not to get your hopes up because as horrible as it may sound it's very easy for someone to turn around and 'crush' it, as I have experienced. This is one thing that leads me to be a very uneasy person at times; I find it hard to trust and let down barriers for people to gain a real understanding of the person I am and the thoughts I have. But when another human being uses your naivety against you, this is when it all begins. The lack in trust; the paranoia, the doubt. You can tell me a hundred times you will never hurt me but it would take more than a hundred actions for me to ever believe you. Some people don't even do it on purpose, or so it seems, some people think it's just harmless fun. But it isn't. The truth is through experience you'll learn who's true and who isn't. My bestfriend is definitely true and a real keeper. We may not have massive tear fests, but we have plenty of laughs and I think that's what I love the most about our friendship/relationship. I may not have a boyfriend who loves me to the moon and back but I wouldn't give up our friendship for anything! Relationships end, distance can pull them apart, other friendships can tear them down, but not a friendship I could be on the other side of the world but no matter how many days passed I'd only want to see my bestfriend more and time wouldn't change that. Today was the first day we'd seen each other in about five weeks so we did the normal chill out session, while having every random conversation under the sun from good looking rugby players to gardening and driving and our future trips to Glastonbury. This also helps me move on to my second point in this blog, as we sit and chat, my phobia comes up into conversation. Not being able to urinate in public also known as Paruresis for all you people interested. A real phobia and about 7% of the public may suffer from this social anxiety disorder. So this is what gave me hope to find out more! Something which doesn't affect your every day person, affects me every day of my life. You may laugh, you may be confused by how going to the toilet could even effect someone dramatically and how it could even begin to upset them. But believe me if you could understand, if you could just take one step into these shoes you wouldn't doubt it for a second. First of all it's the embarrassment when your friend or a person mentions "oh i'm going to the toilet do you need to go, you said you did earlier." and you have to reply "umm.. no it's okay i'll wait until I got home" be it a half an hour wait or a five hour wait. However long it takes you have to wait because you feel as if there is no other option or then you try and you sit there for a good five minutes and nothing. You walk out the toilet "ahaha did you just go for as shit, you took ages!?" The awkward moment when you reply with no, automatically making you assume everyone is thinking this. Or there is the moment when you wait in a queue to go, and then you get to the toilet and you can't even go but you feel pressured because you know their is a queue of 10-15 people waiting, so you just don't even bother trying again. But one of the worst things about it is the pain, the horrific agony you feel in the bottom of your stomach like someones stabbing you and twisting the knife making any position horrible to be in. So something I want to achieve and will actually make a step towards is defeating this phobia and with the help of my bestfriend I think I can do it.

I’ve Got to Go But I Can’t A Day in the Life of a Paruretic

Allen W. Court

Oh you.

you stupid individual for acting as if you cared; you stupid individual for acting like you'd be there; you stupid individual for being a prick; you stupid individual who only thinks with their dick. you lead someone on,then change your mind; you do as you please, then leave them behind; you act as if you're interested, you flirt and you smile; but then it's not what you want you ass you're vile. Oh my sweet love for poetry. I'm not angry, I just like to be honest.

The Hen Weekend

So my eldest sister is getting married in three weeks-ish; 14th July to be exact. So this weekend me and nine others took a trip to Bournemouth to stay in a hotel and go to a drag show at Rubyz. So the journey began at 12 once everyone was ready and we set of on our little road trip. Stopping of at a trusty Mcdonalds half way there, which actually was quite a let down. But we did get to see some casual army tanks and trucks as they decided it would be fine to stop a roundabout so they could go by! Not fun. So we got to the hotel who straight away told us there should be no drug use, come on do we look like druggies? Anyway me and my sister Natalie squeezed into what they called a 'lift' hugging each other for dear life as at any moment it could have broke down with the sounds it was making. But we made it to the second floor at walked up to third to find our room! Which we got lucky with as we had a double bed and a single and guess who got shoved to the single bed, yep that's right me. But to be honest I didn't mind, I got the better sleep! So we went into the town and found some shops which was nice, didn't buy anything mind as I thought we'd spend a day shopping not a hour! Anyhow we went back to the hotel and started to get ready! I applied my fake eyelashes; a proud moment that was. Slapped on some make up and attempted to sort out my bush I call hair. Went down to the bar where a charming young male was who took our photo and then was trying to get one of our numbers so we could meet up again later;D but being as I was the only single female I could not see this happening, three people engaged, one windowed, one married, one divorced and the others in some kind of relationship. So that didn't happen. Off to Rubyz we go with the plan of getting completely gazeboed. Wasn't quite feeling the atmosphere and being the only under 18 it is awkward. To chicken to attempt to get a drink as my sister would kill me if I got kicked out etc. But me and my sister shared 'Sex on the beach' which to be honest just tasted of pineapple juice, but hay ho not complaining. The drag queen show went on as my sister was bought more and more drinks until she was bunkbedded. She then decided she would see if it was raining even though you could hear it and was running around in the pouring rain, smart child. But she was happy! We then made a move back to the hotel, making a move meaning running next door, screaming and blowing our whistles as it was pouring with rain! To the 24hour bar we went, one of Louise's friends was off her trolley and just a bit of a mess and begging for us to get her some chocolate, but the lovely barmen came out with a coffee for her & she was taken to bed. 44 and definitely the biggest party animal there hahahaha. We then chilled in the bar and the ladds came back from earlier, but the stag going to bed as he couldn't take anymore and this being at half 12; some would say he was a let down and a complete light weight. But the night went on and a amusing night at that, especially when some hot tattooed topless male walks in, helllllllllooo there!;D So I made a few friends but never learnt their surnames sadly, so no facebook friends! Even though they were attempting it. Then at half two off to bed I went and the morning came! We got ready and went down and had our fry up:') seeing the ladds from last night and then all chilled in the bar waiting for everyone to be ready to leave. One of the ladds who thought he was a complete god and sweet talker then argued he deserved a good bye kiss, me being the only single one got the lovely opportunity. So about to kiss him on the cheek he turns his head, how I didn't see it coming I don't know! Shut him up though. Then we spent the rest of the day down by the pier and travelling home! 60p to get on the pier for what!? nothingggg. such a scam. ah well now i'm home in my joggers, I need to tidy my room and eat my tea. THE END.

Time

So a few weeks ago if I didn't get a text from you i'd be bothered, actually more than bothered actually quite distraught because stupidly I had feelings for you which grew a lot over time. But with mere strength and self persuasion they are slowly being crushed because I'm not ready to get hurt again, especially as this is already hurting now. I don't want to be another one on your list or the one you speak to when you feel like it, how you make out you care so much, that you're concerned when i'm upset is bullshit even if you don't realise it. How you are puts me of a friendship, let alone anything else. So what I meant when I titled this blog 'time' was it's weird how much has changed within those two weeks, how just a little bit of time can change something quite dramatically. This is what truly scares me. I've just finished my first year of college and the next step is Uni or not Uni. All my life I've always chosen the path of University but at those moments in my life I didn't actually have to worry about it so of course I was going to say I would go and I want to go. But with university comes a lot of choices which is something I hate and will do anything to deter from. It all just sounds so scary and I just don't feel ready. But one thing is I want to promise myself something that I will get rid of my phobia because even that is getting in my way, how stupid it may sound to every one I tell it doesn't stop it from being there or being real. So I can't pee in public? I'm not ashamed if people know, I used to be embarrassed but why should I be, it's something I can't control and want to change. So in the next few weeks I need to get my act together and really focus on 'what's next' no time for just one step at a time I need to start thinking NOW. That is all for tonight, good night.

Aspiration

So everyone has dreams; things they aspire to do, goals in life. Some of us accomplish these goals while others let them pass us by, not grabbing the opportunity with both hands and running with it. Myself are one of those people, I see something I want it but do I ever want it enough. To scared of the downfall it could have, to scared to take a risk. Yesterday I spoke with a friend, a new friend. You always have those conversations when you're getting to know one another, ask each other about their interests or where they want to go with life. Become a doctor, travel the world, run a marathon, you got me. So this is when it hit me, a aspiration I have in life is to take my favourite sport Netball to different countries around the world and coach over there. Also I'd love to encourage Netball to be in the next Olympics. It really gets to me when people make out it isn't a 'real' sport, what the fuck do you call a real sport!? You run, you catch, you throw, you change speed, you score goals; what is it about netball that makes it a not a real sport, nothing that is what. People who don't play presume you don't run, because you're not allowed to move with the ball and you just pass it down in a nice little line. No that is not how you play netball, it takes speed, judgement, technique, accuracy, team work. Why I feel so strongly about this is because of the role models I have; my head coach Anita being the main one, she is amazing, she had a dream and she fucking did it! She is the reason why I play today, and I can definitely tell you without netball I wouldn't be me. When I feel sad, I play netball, when I feel angry, I play netball, when I feel happy I play netball, it isn't just a sport but it's like a real life support barrier for me. Without netball I wouldn't have the friends, the experiences, the place to release my emotions and the achievements. I've played from the age of 8 and I've loved it from the first day I played. I'm now a qualified coach and have played for my county and at a regional standard, I've played against people twice my age from the age of 12/13. So without my netball coach I wouldn't have the achievements or this dream! Some people may laugh but all I can say to that is poor them.

Control

It's silly how we let people have control of us and our emotions. Crying ourselves to sleep, not being able to smile, taking away every little bit of self belief you have in yourself because you're so caught up on them, so caught up on their lies, their ignorance. We're stupid for letting them have control, we're stupid for crying at every chance we are alone because they're on our mind, so my thoughts are I need to build a big ass bridge and get the fuck over it. If people don't have the time for you, why have the time for them, so I'm going to get off my ass sing to the far heavens & get my ass to work and stuff my face with food when I get to my sisters. Just under two weeks and it's summer! So here is my aim to just fucking smile.

Isn't it funny how you don't know, how you're spilling your heart out to me, looking towards me as someone you can talk to but every word you say is cutting me a little inside. But you're oblivious, because you don't know how I feel. By the sounds of it, he doesn't even know how I feel. Needs it spelled out from start to finish. You'd think you would have took the hints though, the constant wanting your company, your hugs, the compliments. I don't just say it for fun. It angers me how a few days can just change it all, what the fuck did I do wrong. But i'm not being taken for an idiot because I'm not and I know I deserve to be treated better. asdfghjk. So yeah, that's that. Head up and move on.

Just a thought

So I ask myself why take life so seriously if you only live once? What is the point of being caught up on shit which isn't worth the hassle. For example; the boy you like doesn't text you back or your superviser is a bitch. Why bother being upset/annoyed, why bother wasting time? Yes we're only human and yes we all have feelings but we're in control. I don't know, I've experienced some dark places and I just want to change this mental path and this has just made me realise why the heck do I take everything to heart? why do I live on edge for what others think of me? I cannot change who I am, only love what i've got. So here is to taking every day as it is and still smiling whatever the result.

Feelings

Right now all I want to do is cry and it's all because of these fucking messed up feelings. But i'm not crying, my eyes aren't even filled with tears, just letting it go over my head because I know that's best, not letting it hit the surface. But now I have to make a decision and it's not one I want to make but I don't think there is really any other option. Need to just keep my head up, things will improve and these feelings can change. asdfghjkl. I just don't know!! Would be lush if I could just move away to some sunshine and not have to look back.

Trust

Trust, what a funny thing. What really is it? Something that grows from time? With friendship, is it a state of mind. Is it something we chose. Is it psychological. Tonight I've trusted someone. More than trusted and I don't know the reason why. Is it trust, I suppose there must be some trust there you don't just spill out your head to someone who you think will share it with the world. You don't just tell someone something which could affect your life dramatically if you didn't trust them. I'm not sure why tonight. Or why at all. Just one of those things which I am learning to accept. To be carried on..

The Weekend

So it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, yet there was some very good bits. Saturday my plan was to work 10-1 home do my nails pack my clothes back to work for 4:30-8 then waterfront for my friends leaving do, awkward when only 6 of us turned up out of the 40 odd people who I work with! Was fuckin' shocking and I felt so bad. Also the person I was looking forward to seeing decided he was no longer coming either, so that didn't go to plan. My boss bought me a lovely lemonade then I headed to my friends gathering which ended up with just one big topic of masturbation. Which I will admit was funny. Didn't drink a lot but was nice to chill. Then Sunday I had work from 12:30-4 wasn't too bad! Went fast, a few awkward moments with a particular person but it was okay. Then home and got ready to go out! Music up and my plan of action was to get drunk and let loose, which pretty much went to plan. Dancing, drinking, swinging on banisters- which thinking about right now probably wasn't the safest idea but I'm still alive right? Lots of casual pictures and hugs, how I love hugs. Yeah so my dad picked me up at 12 lovely drive home & then I sat on my kitchen floor for a hour before I could make my way to my bedroom, but I did feel better after sharing my stomach with the toilet! NOM VOM. A lovely glass of water, strip down and off to sleep I was. A few texts but yeaaah that was that! Now to celebrate queenie tonight with my brother-in-law to be's dad & step mum party! Don't think I'll be drinking all that much tonight! Then tomorrow with my liam and emma! YAYAYA. Here we come mcdonalds you beauty. Pretty exclamatory, my view on life. The middle finger.

Good bye exams

So today was my last exam of five, psychology and oh how lovely it is to not have to revise! I've had a night of music, ice cream and event planning. This weekend is going to be good, my mum & dads surprise anniversary meal/ dads 49th birthday, my friends leaving meal Saturday and a party afterwards and then another party Sunday evening, can't argue with that! This is exactly what summer is about. My first driving lesson tomorrow and I'm not going to lie i'm nervous, but I suppose I should just take it as it comes, the worst that can happen really is not moving from the spot. I then have a evening of work at the jolly place of B&Q, how lush. Shouldn't be too bad, 3 & a half hours I can do this shit. I also have one person on my mind, but choosing to not let it completely take over my every action. I suppose what it is, is what it is. Just let shit take it's path. Kick back, relax.

Confidence

Monday 21st May What is it and how the heck do I get my self some!? It's not hard to act 'confident' to pretend you like the way you look or the person you are, it's easy to put on a smile when you're covered up with what I rely on a lot of the time make-up and other beauty products! But why do we waste our time, today I was ill so stayed in.. hair up, no make up and I will say it wasn't the best sight, but I was glad not to waste half an hour applying my make up and straightening my hair which isn't long compared to some people, with their five layers of foundation, two of concealer, couple different powders, a few mascaras and a nice bright pink lip stick. ohhh & don't forget the scouse brow which is suddenly very popular. Sunday 27th May Continued.. So I dislike myself and my body. I think my skin is too pale, my thighs are too wide, my eye brows are like bushes, my nose is too big, my boobs are too small and my bum is too big, I have freckles and moles, my eyes aren't just one colour and my height can get the best of me, I act like a freak and find it hard to take risks which could be life changing, I hold on to the past and cry when no ones looking, I get angry and put myself down for hours on end, listing all these faults one by one until I'm just too tired to think, to stay awake and listen to myself. But anyway this needs to change. I need to stop letting my insecurities run my life, one step at a time, but I will do this. Everyone can hide behind a fake smile but it takes pure strength to smile with nothing to hide.

Summer

Okay so the last two days have actually been really good! Spent it with two of my very close friends Jessica & Chloe. Yesterday me and Chloe went into town nice and early, I bought us some tie dye and we purchased two plain male tops from Primark like brutes, I also spent a small fortune on a dress, earings, rings, top, denim jacket, bridesmaids shoes, subway, shorts and a lovely milkshake so it wasn't a cheap day. I then had work for a few hours and had to say good bye to one of my friends as he was leaving): which wasn't fun. With out him I probably would have been lost at work, proper looked after me when everyone else was ignorant shits. Anyhow me and Chloe also popped to Blue Banana to get her ear pierced and back to hers to dye the tops!

So that it what they looked like before they were dry and here was my end result..

So that was that. Then today it was very sunny, I had one lesson which was psychology which I nearly fell asleep in due to the lack of sleep last night two and a half hours, fucking killer, never again not for anyone. But I did have another lush can of monster today and it was only a pound so that kinda made everything okay! After college I wanted to desperately go for a walk, so I text my slut Jessica. Got a burger from the burger van and we pondered down the quay and found a nice place to sit for a few hours while we chatted away - true friendship. We then decided a ice-cream was in need and I needed a cold drink! So this is what we did.

Then back to hers to catch some more rays. Then I had netball coaching which was good and tonight I have spent it home alone listening to radio 1 and sitting in my garden, why the heck not.

Don't get your hopes up

So, the suns out.. have any of you had personal thoughts saying how happy you are that the sun has decided to show it's face? But then tell yourself to shut up because if you think happy thoughts then something will come down & crush it. Or is it just me that does this on a regular basis? I never seem to enjoy what I've got because either I doubt it's real or just keep doubting that something will go wrong no matter what. For example you're really enjoying someones company but then you tell yourself that they'll soon get bored of you so just shut up for a few days and leave them alone. I actually hate it. It's obvious a couple of thoughts won't have an impact upon what a person thinks of you surely, they can't read your mind. But I can't help it! I'm unbelievably paranoid and if someone doesn't talk to me suddenly, I worry.. a lot. It sounds silly doesn't it? But I suppose that is me! I care a lot. But how can you tell the difference between someone you should care and someone who is just being a head fuck, because it's either i'm to sensitive and have no trust in anyone or this person is actually fuckin' with my head. It might be both. But it's weird they sound so genuine but i'm worried. I'm not ready to be crushed again ergh asdfghjk.

A week till summer

I cannot not explain the excitement and the relief to know it's only seven days until my summer begins! But where the hell has this year gone? Today I sat reminiscing old memories from this year and it's crazy. This time last year I was preparing for GCSE's but now it's AS exams and the jump in difficulty is unthinkable- that may sound over the top or a little extreme, but college isn't a walk in the park. Yes it has it's perks like; no uniform, late starts, new people, being able to go get a milkshake or a hot drink in your free, the more relaxed relationship you have with your teacher.. but with it's perks it brings shit. Within the first few months you're expected to learn half the criteria for your AS and sit an exam in January which is a shock to the system, especially when you get your results back and you got a U & a E and you have never experienced such grades. In addition comes responsibility, you are practically a adult, how successful you are in college and what you gain from the experience is down to you and you only. No teachers for reassurance, no extensions to your work. The only person who will get it done is YOU. In addition to this you then have work, something not everyone chooses to do, but from personal experience I think it's a great thing to do, meet new people, learn new skills and actually earn some money for yourself,so you don't have to rely on others such as mum or dad. Without working I couldn't afford half of the luxuries I've bought myself; car, docking station, camera, holiday, clothes and more fucking clothes + some shoes! But work isn't easy, it adds stress to exams, customers aren't always nice and your managers don't always like you. But you just have to get on with it, there will be days where work isn't so bad and you might even get yourself a few compliments, be it your nails, hair, personality. Something else to add to this bundle is the social pressure and acceptance, everyone feels the same on that first day, you don't know any fucker and you kind of just wish you never walked into the classroom, but with time it gets better- you settle in and you WILL make friends! My friends from college are very different from my school friends but they're all lovely people who have made this year what it is. Within the subject of social pressure and acceptance you have relationships and social gatherings. The pressure on having sex, or taking drugs and being totally off your face every weekend. But you don't have to follow the crowd, you don't have to take drugs or become the college bicycle. People will accept you for who you are, as long as you make it clear that your loud and proud of the person you are & the decisions you make. So who cares if you've never touched alcohol or haven't fucked the living daylights out of every boy you've met. No one, just be you & work hard, don't expect it all to come so easily. Stay in touch with school friends, the real ones will always stick around. So good night and good luck.

A year a go this June/July haha can't even remember when my prom was!

Just going to sit here..

Just going to sit here feeling sorry for myself. It's the 21st of May and I cannot wait until it's the 29th and all this exam shit is over with, I'm literally petrified that I have wasted this whole year because of these stupid exams which I just can't seem to prepare myself for properly or successfully. However much revision I do, how many lessons I attend; sitting there literally doing all I can to understand, to take it and process the information, it just doesn't work. I feel ashamed of myself and I hate it, I just want to do well! But it seems I have set my goals to high, way above my intelligence levels. So are we trapped by ourselves is it ever possible to reach everything you want, to meet every goal. Or are we held back by our class, where we are bought up, how much money our families have or does this just mean we have to take bigger leaps and climb harder. Because right now I feel like i'm on a road to no where. It's like I have met a dead end. I need this summer so badly, also to add to it I have suddenly came down ill from no where! My voice is like a mans and the lack of energy is unreal. But now I am soldiering on with a philosophy essay about the mind and the body being two separate substances therefore we have freewill, sounds great doesn't it and then after that I get to revise all the different approaches in psychology and how gender is developed, please tell me you are all jealous. That is all.

The Edge

Do you ever feel completely on edge? Like you could just snap at any moment and when you do, you know you're just going to cry and cry and cry. Well this is exactly how I felt tonight. Well actually that's a lie, I was oblivious to how I was actually feeling inside because I was just putting on a brave face and trying to think positive. But really it didn't take much until I 'snapped'. But the thing is the last person I expected to make me feel like this was you? I get to work feeling quite content, tired but knew I just had to get on with things. However you obviously wanted to ruin this as you completely snapped at me putting me into tears and shaking. You're 35 yet thought it was fine to act in this way towards me knowing how sensitive I am and that I was stressed out, I never mean to cause problems or make hassle, it wasn't my intention at all. I suppose that didn't matter though because I still managed to. My head hurts and I just want to sleep but I know I can't as I have a two and a half hour AS English exam tomorrow which is worth 60% of my total grade, but even staying awake doesn't help because I feel so shit it's not that anything will even go into my tiny thick head. Just want you to give me cuddles and stay with me until I fall asleep, would make things a lot easier.

The scream for help

It's scary how things like that can go unnoticed and no one realizes until it is literally just too late. Hiding tears with broken smiles, lying every day saying you're okay when really you are far from okay and it actually took everything in you just to get out of bed this morning. It could be your best friend but you wouldn't even know, because no one knows. No one realizes or can see these dark thoughts surrounding your head. But why don't we notice? How are we so oblivious to the screams for help. You could be someones last hope and you wouldn't even know. Doesn't that scare you because it scares me. I just wish people didn't suffer in silence. This is something in life I would actually love to contribute towards, I want to make a difference!

You made this choice.

You want to know what really gets to me right now? It's you, you sit there feeling sorry for yourself about how we're not close anymore, but you made this choice, not any one else Y O U. It's been six months since you've seen me properly, half a year & for some one who's meant to be your best friend this is what you least expect. If you care why do you not make any effort? O wow a virtual message once a month, lucky me. Sometimes I go days and I won't think about it but then there is days like today where actually I just can't stop and all I want to do is rant as it was just one big shock to the system. We went from nights in watching films, drives, Bristol. We were finally getting close again! But nope you've literally chucked me a side like you couldn't care less and to be honest with you that fucking hurts and as much as I can say I don't care, I do so well done.

Looking out from within.

Do you ever wonder what it's like to be someone else? To look out from a different perspective, to have a different understanding or meaning of life. Have you ever wished you knew what someone else was thinking, be it your friend, the person you like or even just a random stranger. That urge just to know. Sometimes I find the beauty's of life easy to capture other days not so much, but i'm curious of others and how they see life. It's weird because for having an exam today and another four within the next two weeks you'd think I'd be stressed but I actually feel relatively calm, I suppose it's because I know all I can do is my best and that is all I can ask from myself and if at first you don't succeed, try and try again.

Exams

Yes the dreaded E word, EXAMS. The thing that every teenager hates and wishes they didn't have to do. This is why a percentage of our generation escape it by doing 'BTEC's' which is all coursework based and all they have to do is meet criteria and deadlines, I'm not saying it's easy- it is time consuming and you still have to work hard. For example; my A* in performing arts and health & social care at school, it's not that I sat around doing nothing. There were times when it was stressful, so I do believe I deserved the grades. But then you have English and Maths which I put exactly the same amount of effort into, but got two grades lower, two B's. Which to be honest I was ecstatic with, because I hate exams. I hate the pressure, the environment, the silence, the remembering every little detail for it not to even come up in the paper. Just everything about it, especially the long, dreaded wait for the results when you realize what you got is still not good enough. Expectations is what really gets me. If you don't reach these expectations your dreams can be shattered in moments, just two exams and that's a year of your life wasted. What I'm trying to say is, I wish there was another way of getting through school/college/university.

Was it because of time or was it personal?

Friendship; something I would like to say we all cherish. Friends are people who we can talk to, laugh with, go out with and be ourselves around. They're not just the people you'll say "hi" to in the street or who you may sit with in a particular lesson, friendship is like a unwritten contract to another person. It doesn't need to be said because it automatically should happen. You don't lie to each other, try to harm one another or do anything morally wrong. Sometimes friends can turn into best friends and you may not even realize the change, just like we don't realize the change when someone is slowly drifting out of our lives. So what I want to figure out is, is it personal or is just time that makes us drift from our best/friends. From personal experience I have learnt people don't always stick around and within a year things will dramatically change, but there are few people who I like to call true friends which WILL stick around, I haven't got many of them but the ones I do have, I completely appreciate. So is it time that causes us to drift, just slowly seeing each other less and growing into different people, no longer sharing interests and hobbies, is it uncontrollable? Or is it all in out hands, do we chose who we want to stay close with, do we make a difference to who we are friends with in years to come? My best friend happens to differ from me in many ways but then we do share dreams and interests and through the whole nine years of our friendship, we've only ever had one 'tiff' being that because of boys and hormones and we were eleven years old. Now sixteen and seventeen, I couldn't imagine my life without her. Even when everything else seems hopeless and shit, I know I've got her to keep me standing. I don't necessarily tell her the insides of my mind, but I don't feel I have to.. I can have a worry or a concern but go to her & she'll take my mind away from it and reassemble the faith in myself to just be me. This proves to me that through pure care and love a friendship can withhold it's self. But it's take two.

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."

It's sad but it's true.

So I sit here night after night, telling myself to man the fuck up and be happy with who I am and what I've got, but I can't. Instead I dwell on how lonely i'm feeling, how unmotivated I am and how the only thing I look forward to is going to sleep or coaching. Why will I not wake up from this, I feel selfish and I truly want to stop it and all these stupid thoughts, but I can't. Just wish something would make it go away.

Do dreams mean anything?

So i'm sat wondering "Do dreams mean anything?" - that's a interrogative sentence may I add. (English revision is kind of taking over my brain right now so excuse the random out bursts of analyse) anyhow back to answering my question. So dreams resemble our thought processes, they are a way for our brain to make sense of our thoughts, almost like a filing system. Last night I had a dream about a friend who I had seen that day but my dream soon turned into a 'nightmare'. I was challenged to cross a long bridge; below this bridge there were train tracks and at the middle of the bridge it was broken leaving a massive jump from one side to the other. If you fell the chances were you'd be dead. So in my dream/nightmare I followed three of my friends across this bridge until I reached this part - the jump. I couldn't do it so I turned away but now suddenly what was a bridge was just handle bars made from a tree, I slipped and almost fell but managed to pick myself back up, once I reached the safe land I started to hallucinate, in my dream which sounds kind of crazy, it was almost as if I was having flash backs as well, I was seeing things in my dream which no one else was. My dads friend appeared who passed away a couple years ago, he was just there floating staring at me with a blank expression on his face. Then someone else appeared but I can't remember who it was as the image in my head is quite vague. What did all of this mean? I understood my friend was in the dream as I had saw him that day, but why the broken bridge and the train tracks? Why Leigh? Why the weird hallucinations and flash backs - this is what I don't understand. Something makes me think it is related to how i'm feeling, that I want to cross this bridge (revise & pass my exams) I want to succeed but there is something stopping me and I feel there is nothing I can do about it, accept turn around and give up; but as I'm trying to give up there is something stopping me, telling me I can't and I won't. So are dreams just the imagery of our minds? Do they represent our emotions?

Self Harm

This is a fragile subject, but not a subject too strange for the common teenagers of today's society. It's been said that we're in the most stressful times and at least 1 in 10 (estimate) of us will suffer from some kind of depression. Today as I was sitting in my lesson I turned to see a girls wrist, 3 vivid patches of cuts and then to the right a butterfly; this is a symbol I'm familiar with and is for a good cause. I first found it scrolling around my tumblr; my place to escape too! The butterfly is the symbol of self harm, to get peoples voices heard and to make sure people know they're not alone. But my question is, why do we self harm? Why do we hurt our beautiful bodies that we have been cherished with, we may not be someones idea of perfect but that doesn't matter, I truly believe each and everyone of us has a purpose which we should try and fulfill. So I did a bit of research..

2012 survey of young people showed that 86% of respondents said they had injured themselves, with over half saying they did it regularly.

It's sad how we let it build up, until it takes too much that we feel the need to take it out on ourselves and our body which we should be protecting not harming, leaving unforgettable scars. Here are just a few quotes

"Around friends and the public you may seem OK, but it's not like you want to go around looking depressed and feeling sorry for yourself," says JD, 17. "You feel different inside to how you show yourself on the outside and you do put on a bit of a front, so you can't just look at someone and say 'they self-harm'."

We feel that we should hide it and be ashamed of our true feelings, we act as rocks for others but let ourselves crumble. We feel people will look at us as we're different.. 'mental' not all there, people who self harm are no different and it's because of the 41% of young people who believe that self-harm is selfish and the other 55% who think that it is stupid that there is an increase in self harm. Don't let yourself or others destroy you, believe in yourself and remember you're never alone. Sorry if any of this has caused upset, but it is a strong topic which I believe needs to be solved or at least improved. and then this is what I found just by typing the word 'selfharm' into the search box, take a look for yourself.. http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/selfharm

Hiya March.

So it's March.. flipping great. Ergh I don't know.. a third of the years gone within a blink, it's unreal. I don't want to go University but I do, it seems stupid even mentioning it but I'm 16 & in less than two months I'll be 17. I feel excited, yet scared. I feel so behind. So confused,as if my feelings didn't fuck me up at the best of times. Some days I wish I never met you, others I'm glad. I wonder if I would have been different.. but then again it was before we met. But then I tell my self you made it ten times worse. I think I miss you, i'm not sure. The memories have slowly faded to faint images. Laughter, hugs, kisses, holding hands, long conversations, texting, walks,getting to know you, creating my smile. I don't think about you often, but when I do the thoughts don't seem to sit comfortably. We won't ever be friends again, I'm sure of that. We don't even speak now.. it's been two years since anything even begun. Anyway what am I going on about, I don't care about that anymore, that is the past. It's something else, someone else that is playing on my mind. I want it to go away yet at the same time I want it to stay.

January blues are over.

Hiya pal. It's officially February! So good bye 'January blues' and hello.. um.. Easter! haha.. So I've had two of my exams and I am being given my graphics exam tomorrow, so hopefully it isn't too bad! Got the house to 'myself' for ten days; meaning I have to share it with my older sister and her boyfriend and it will either go one of two ways- good or bad!? hm. we'll see. If i'm honest I don't mind that I'm not going because how ever much I would like to get away, it's not just friends I want to be away from.. I know you can't choose your family and I am grateful for mine but sometimes it just gets that little bit too much and you should want to be ALONE. Very busy week ahead though.. work college cooking netball birthday meal washing and some lovely cleaning! Can't be bothered to right tooo much.. meh meh meh. Work at 5, kill me now, k thanks! byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Someone come take me away from here.

I have no confidence and any I had has been shattered.

Day Two.

All I keep doing is wasting time. I have two days left of the holidays to do my work and all I want to do is eat, sleep and do nothing.. I feel literally unable to do anything else I can't concentrate for more then ten minutes and as soon as I think of college I just c r y. I really really really don't want to do these exams because I know I'll fail but I don't even have the motivation to try a little bit, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry some more, I've just had enough. Every angle something is wrong or is aggravating me. It feels like nothing can make any of the pain stop. ARGH :(

Day One.

So it's January 1st 2012. So what will this year hold? Friendship and love? Breakups and hurt? Who knows.. But I believe 2012 is not the END. I went into this year with my family because well that's all I had. 2011 was a BIG year and a lot changed. Friendships grew strong and then b r o k e.. People made promises which soon b r o k e.. how can you begin to trust another human being if all they say is lies? I'll always be here even when no-one else is? Um.. I don't think you were.

But 2011 did hold some good times.. Louise's 22nd, Georgia's 16th, France, London, longest summer, finish school, Georgie's 16th, Chloe's 16th, T4, Professor Green in Bristol, theater trips, performing, Drives with Luke and Tessa, Shopping with MY money, Majorca, The birth of my little niece, Parties, A silly crush, Come dine with me, sleepovers, Natalies 21st, Titi came down, students, cans and more cans of monster! COOKIES.. So how can I be complaining after all of that! I suppose it did hold some good times. Good bye 2011. Hello 2012. So what are my new years resolutions.. Be good to my teeth! Don't cry, be strong. Stand on my own two feet, just be ME. DO A WHOLE LOT MORE THIS YEAR! AND fuckin' conquer my phobia so I can laugh all over it by the end of the year.